What have

Captain Caveman, Andre Agassi, Milli Vanilli, Max Headroom and Snoop Dogg have in common?

They're all in the Top 50 Worst Haircuts of All Time

Anyone for Cricket?

Play stickman cricket. Hopefully you will do a bit better than me ... I got KO'd by the bowler!!!

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 283 Of My Captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.

They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.

I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Classic Ad

For Carling

Thanks to Darkking for finding that one for me.

Female Orgasm: Proof of God

Women have orgasms because they can. Women have orgasms because it's the right thing to do.

Women have orgasms because by and large they refuse to launch monstrous ultraviolent illegal soul-deadening wars over oilsucking phallocentric powermad landwhoring BS powergrabs and therefore they fully deserve all the inexplicable otherworldly cosmically infused clitorally energized pleasures they can get.

Read more at SFGate.com

XXX Comic

Don't usually put too much nudity and rudeness on this blog ... ok some ... ok not as much as some other blogs!!! Anyways, Here's a XXX comic from hardcore sex cartoons that I thought might pique a few of yers interests.

Poor Tabby

Unfortunately Tabby was run over this weekend and we had to bury him.

Women

Now you can write your name in the snow

Now this rabbit won't let go of my cursor

Following on from yesterday's post of the bloke who ate my cursor, this rabbit won't let go.

Learn Chinese with Convict

1) That's not right...........................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive? .............Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the Beach? ..................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffe table................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.....................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet..............Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone...................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week....Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile..............Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...............Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great.....................................Fa Kin Su Pah

He ate my cursor!

I just waved it in his face and he ate it!!!

Gumball 3000

I understand that this may now be over, but if you missed it you can check out the cars at the Gumball 3000 site.

All this searching

around the interwebthingy means that I'm using my mouse loads. I think I might need a new one cos this one is overworked.

Have you been burned or blessed?

Over at Blogg'd, Brad either burns or blesses blogs. If you've been burned or blessed, let me know in the comments.

The pregnant woman, the smiling man and a bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man (about 20 years old) opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said; "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
That said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident" . . ...

I just lost it!

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

---

Thanks bro

Boxed Thoughts

Boxedthoughts is a collection of thoughts posted by anonymous users. Together, these thoughts form a stream of thought, or a thoughtstream. The thoughtstream represents the flow of thought or thoughts that embodies humanity.

Excerpts from the diary of new immigrant to Canada

Dear Diary,

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling. Fucking snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway. Asshole!

Dec. 25 - Merry F@#$%^g Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f@#$%^g ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That f@#$%^&g weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those f@#$%^&g beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada

Funny cartoons

For those born before 1986

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played knock-door-run and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

For those of you born after 1986

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986........They are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, CHiPs, RedHand Gang or the Famous Five.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.


2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.


3. Your friends are getting married/already married.


4. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good Old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.


5. Having read these posts, you are thinking of forwarding them to some of your friends.

Bad driving

---

Thanks to Marc for sending me these

Awards for Dickhead of the year

Ok, so they're from 2003 but they're still funny as hell.

Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the street told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

---

Thanks bro

The woodcutter

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes', you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

---

Thanks bro

I give up

Badger has been ... badgering me to show more pics of Mrs C. Come to that so has Goose, uberBitch and Shut.

So here you all go. A close up picture of Mrs C's pussy.

Oi stupid

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
How many angels could dance on his head?

Wierd American Laws

Alabama:
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
What about if you are blind?

California:
Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
But perfectly legal to hold the buggers under

Connecticut:
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
Finding a hill steep enough to give you the run up is the problem
You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Cos you look bloody stupid bent over double

Florida:
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
To resolve this the hair dryers fall down on the hapless victim every minute
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
So it's ok to chuck the missus out of a plane then?
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
Like the elephant'll still be there when you get back
[SARASOTA] It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
But perfectly legal to do so nekkid
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
So make sure you have a gown with straps

Illinois:
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
What about a cigarrete or a joint?

Indiana:
Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
Hence the famous phrase uttered by mothers around the globe: Careful or you'll have someone's eye out with those
Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
An onion salad is perfectly OK though

Iowa:
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Just kiss this darling ... mwuhahaha

Kentucky:
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
That's a law that uberBitch, Goose, DNA and I can deal with
It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Is that an ice cream cone in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Louisiana:
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
Perfectly legal to use a hunting rifle with armour piercing bullets though
Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
What if you bite them with the teeth in your hand?

Massachusetts:
Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
But help yourself to the shrimp and crab sticks
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
No homeless on the streets in Massachusetts then
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Cos everyone knows that goatees are lethal weapons

Wise sayings

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
7. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
8. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
10. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well. Stay fit. Die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth, Deal with it.

Got a secret?

that you want to share but you want to tell anyone? Pop over to PostSecret

Pimp my Safari

One for Goose and all the other Safari users.

Vegetarian food with human flavour

I'll just quote this one:
According to Mark Nuckols Tu'06, humans do not taste anything like chicken. The founder and CEO of Hufu, LLC -- the company that produces hufu, a type of tofu that simulates the texture and flavor of human flesh -- claims that his company's product "tastes like beef but a little softer in texture and a little sweeter in taste."

More

When I was at school

we started of with books like Dick and Dora. The text would be something like "See Dick run" with a picture of Dick, etc. None of them were like this book.

My investigations

Have turned up a picture of Badger when he has been able to partake of his favourite pastime of petting little Badger for 2 hours.

Revenge of the Convict

Ok, so I'm not a Trekkie, a Babyloner or a Star Wars(er um I think that's right). But are you a Star Wars Nut?

How fast?

This one's for DNA. The
Maybach Exelero. A coupe that's already done 218mph.

15 reasons to become a mother

1. Who wants to work for money?
2. I wondered what it felt like to be a slave.
3. I wanted to understand the true meaning of the phrase “skid mark”.
4. I wanted to know how long I could go without sleep.
5. I needed someone to tell me how stupid I am on a regular basis.
6. I wanted an in-house fashion critic.
7. I was tired of having a flat, little stomach.
8. I wondered what stretch marks looked like.
9. I wondered what it would be like to push an 11 lb. watermelon out of my crotch.
10. I wanted to join the “Hemorrhoids for Life” club.
11. Who doesn't want to wash, dry and fold 10 loads of launder per day?
12. I always wanted to have a small being hanging off my teats for hours each day.
13. I enjoy cleaning vomit off myself/the carpet/my car seats.
14. I was tired of going to the bathroom alone.
15. It sounded like a good idea after a glass of wine.

Sweets for my sweet

If you really like sweets, crisps and other snacks and you want to know what's good and what's bad then take a look at The Message Whore's site.

Pension plans

YAWN, what's he on about pension plans for? Well over here in the UK, as well as the US apparently, the government has been slowly spending the money they tax us for our pensions on other things like wild partys, cocaine and high class hookers. Some of them don't bother with high class hookers though, they're quite happy with cheap ones. This means that your guaranteed pension is now guaranteed to be non-existent. So what's the answer?

Ken Grandlund has 2 articles on his blog on how the pension problem could be recovered. Any politicians should take note of these articles.

Crafting a National Pension Plan outlines the problem.
The National Whole Life Pension Plan deals with a possible solution.
Salvaging Social Security’s Retirement Benefits deals with what could be done now.

Business

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done!

How to stop your kids picking their nose

Make them a cuppa instead

To my son

1. Start at London Heathrow Airport.


2. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.


3. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.


4. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" -
   follow for 0.2 miles.


5. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles


6. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles


7. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles


8. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles


9. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles


10. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles


11. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles


12. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles


13. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles


14. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles


15. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles


16. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles


17. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"

Now that's the way to f***ing Amarillo!!!!!!!!
SO CAN YOU STOP SINGING IT NOW

---

Thanks to Ian for that one

Sometimes

It's better to leave your mobile (cell for you 'muricans) on silent

Lottery winner

A guy comes home from work one evening and says, "Honey, pack your bags, I've hit the lottery! All six numbers!"

The wife replies, "Great honey, shall I pack them for the mountains or the beach?"

The guy says, "Mountains, beach, I don't give a fuck, just pack your bags and get the hell out."

Fantastic flash Anime

Look for the Play buttons

Blogger templates

If you're bored with your current template, have a look at these designs

Wonder why your G-Mail

is full of bloody spam? Logged into mine today and over the last 24 hours I've had 100 plus spam messages. An article explains why.

Murphy's Law applied to Combat and Weather

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.
A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise - just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.
The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.
There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.
There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.
Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.
Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.
Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor - How do you think we got them so cheap?
The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.
Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.
The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.
The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.
If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

Hand signals

Ever wondered what those SWAT bods are saying to each other with their hand signals? Ask no more

Geek alert

Programmer Reading List

Murphy's Law applied to Combat

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but if it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short
All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to sleep in a fox hole with anyone crazier than yourself.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready & when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!
The ammo you need "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
if your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.

Weird crashes

Take a look at some pictures of bizarre crashes over at Wrecked Exotics

Excellent music converter

Convert audio from one format to another, rip CD's, Windows Explorer integration. A good piece of software for Windows 95/98/ME NT4/2000, Windows XP and Linux (using Wine) called dBpowerAMP

Council complaints

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

.... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

.... it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

....50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout? I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

---

Cheers Marc

What is your kink?

SadoMasochism

Pain is your thing. You probably are tattooed or pierced, or enjoy giving tattoos or piercings. You use unusual objects as sex toys. In the bedroom, you're wild and untamed! Your motto is Hurts so good!

Found at Creamy's

Wise sayings

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.

God survey

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-Death Experience
___ Near-Life Experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No

If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To p1ss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
__ Yes
__ No

If Yes, please check all that apply.
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Dear Abby
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before?
__ Yes
__ No

If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ Mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:
(1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5:
(1 = unsatisfactory, 5= excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?


Thank you

Some fun blogs

Funny, satirical blog Blighty Blog.

This one made me laugh, especially this post - zazzafooky.com

At Convict's Bitches

For Mrs C

I'm going to get Mrs C one of these to give her a proper lift.

Honest

Chain e-mails

Got a friend who constatnly sends you chain e-mails? Just send them this link

Hmmmmm

Military Wives - Group H.U.G.S. is a "Secret Pal" group dedicated to military wives.

Participants are matched with a new Military Wife each month, and they then reach out in whatever way is most comfortable - a greeting card, a postcard, a small gift, e-cards, etc. - to extend kindness, compassion and support to one another for having one of the hardest jobs on the planet: that of military spouse.

I'm thinking that this may be an opportunity for some people (DNA?) to use this more as a dating service.

Moving house

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Th e ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

Outstanding

I learned some basic origami when I was a kid but Lazlo is a god of origami.

Plan, plan then check your plans

This is what happens if you don't check every little detail of your escape plan.

Geek alert

Spend ages designing websites? Have a stack of forms that you've got to design? Check out The Form Assembly

Bastard Badger

Ok, thanks to Dan the Turgid Taxus has landed this on me.

Choose any 5 of the sentences below and complete them. Then all I gotta do is nominate any 3 bloggers to do the same.
If I could be a scientist ...
If I could be a farmer ...
If I could be a musician ...
If I could be a doctor ...
If I could be a painter ...
If I could be a gardener ...
If I could be a missionary ...
If I could be a chef ...
If I could be an architect ...
If I could be a linguist ...
If I could be a psychologist ...
If I could be a librarian ...
If I could be an athlete ...
If I could be a lawyer ...
If I could be an inn-keeper ...
If I could be a professor ...
If I could be a writer ...
If I could be a llama-rider ...
If I could be a bonnie pirate ...
If I could be an astronaut ...
If I could be a world famous blogger ...
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world ...
If I could be married to any current famous political figure ...

Ok so here goes naff all.
If I could be a missionary I'd keep changing positions.
If I could be a lawyer I could screw anyone I liked.
If I could be an astronaut then I could really have out of this world sex.

I give this to any bloggers that want to pick it up and run with it. More fool you if you do.

Blow Darts

I can see Badger getting some of these for use at home and Monkey using them when the MIL comes round.

Rude cartoons

For Winky

1 picture every monday no words

i-shot-u

Murphy's Law applied to the rucksack

No, not RuKsaK, rucksack!

1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Mrs C's tits

I've been analysing my traffic for the last 2 months and you know what? Every time I mention Mrs C's tits I get a spike in traffic. I wonder why?

Disney's latest project

Have a peek at Disney's Chronicles of Narnia

Sly bastard

An elderly man in Penang called his son in Hong Kong and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Canberra and tell her," and he hung up.

Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouted, "I'll take care of this."

She called her dad immediately, and screamed at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.

The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife.

"Okay," he said, "they're coming for the reunion dinner and Lunar New Year and paying their own airfares."

Snails are faster than ADSL

Following their last year experiment , group of Israeli geeks had proved that snails can be faster than ADSL and pigeons ...
More ...

Whoop whoop

Geek alert. Well anyone that can set up a blog must have some geekish tendencies. Just cos you're interested in technology and gadgets doesn't mean you are wearing the boots of escaping. So here is digg; a site that is packed with loads of geeky info.

Firefox popups

Having trouble with Firefox still getting popups? Check out this post and you can stop them.

Tourists ... what you going to do with them?

Vertigo?

Marriage guidance

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"

Buying petrol in the future?

Sad story

This is one hell of a sad story. I must warn you that I'm quite a hard nut to crack but this had me reaching for the kleenex ... to use on my eyes for a change.

If you're

Running on a Mac OS as per that fiendish fowl Goose you may want to check out ecto which is apparently a very good blog editor.

Jump on the Bandwagon

Yes and the pun is intended. Somewhere someone came up with a good idea, "Let's sell a band made of rubber with Beat Bullying stamped in it to help kids prevent bullying in school." Good idea, thinks I; though I also think that it's possible that these make kids the target for the bullies. Anyroodoop, it seems that everyone has jumped on the bandwagon and decided to sell them for any cause, including the God Squad.

So I've decided to start selling my own bands. For 20GBP you can help support all the poor prisoners that suffer at the hands of other inmates and wardens all around the world. For the measly sum of 20GBP you will get a tasteful hand-crafted band, in brown, emblazoned with slogans such as "Shower Safe" and the catchy "Slop Out Safe". It's such a steal at 20GBP that I'm even going to provide delivery costs free of charge. Don't delay, send your hard earned straight away to take part in this once in a lifetime opportunity. In the words of St Geldof "Give us your fucking money".

Support the Convicted!!!

New link sites

Ok, I'm a whore I don't care.

First up, a site that has got me hooked with great writing and one I've already promoted: RukSak. That man can certainly write and he's working on a monster memoir at the moment which is outstanding.

Next we have Angry Chimp, who's got a great strip on daleks and cyborgs. There's also a series of hilarious celebrity obituaries.

Another monkey steps up to the plate over at Confessions of a Monkey with a good post on the sex life of an electron. Seriously though what is it with monkeys?

Lastly, one I found via Herge's site, is Cakesniffers beware!. Apart from an obessesion with her bowel movements, she's got a wacky side which appeals to me. Exhibit one:
Of course May Day is some sort of weird Pagan festival too. Isn't it that one that's going on in the Wicker Man? I wonder what'd happen if I claimed to be a Pagan and burnt down my neighbours' house in the hope that it'd make my garden blossom... Probably wouldn't get away with it.

Remember

US Marine Corp Rules for Gunfighting

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules For Gunfighting

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules For Gunfighting

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

Army Rules For Gunfighting

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules For Gunfighting

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Determine "what is a gunfight."
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DoD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines.

US Navy Rules For Gunfighting

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Send the Marines.

You can't take it with you

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

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Credit goes out to Marc ... again.

Pipe dream

Or a variation called The Plumber. Now I'm going to have to fight Mrs C to get back on the computer!

Finally

Badger has given up chasing Mrs C's tatas and has found himself an inventive way in which to get closer to being breast fed.