Posts from the cell
September 26, 2006
On this day:
Never argue with a woman
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL - Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
Too much time
Some people definitely have too much time on their hands. I'm not sure if it's sad that you want to make a replica of Hogwarts from matchsticks or that you like making anything from matchsticks.
Things overheard at the beach
Girl: Mummy, do you have a hairy pee?
Mummy: Make sure you never ask that again, especially when we have guests over for dinner.
Girl: Hey, Daddy, look, I am riding a giant sand penis.
Daddy: I really don't want to ever hear you say that again.
Girl: Daddy, do you want to ride the giant sand penis?
Dude #1: I wish she would just forgive me already. It's been over a month.
Dude #2: Dude, you went down on her sister!
Dude #1: Well, yeah, exactly. It's like the same pussy, right?
American girl, looking at girl with shaved head: Oh my God, I feel soo bad for her.
American friend #1: Cause she has cancer?
American friend #2: Or she's a dyke.
American girl: Either way, it sucks!
Even more things overheard at the beach
Don't play with your food
At least that's what my mum used to tell me after I'd toyed with the last excuse for a meal she put in front of me. Her other favourite was "There are children starving in Africa who'd be grateful to have that to eat". Such is life. But as you get older, and not necessarily wiser, you find entertaining things to do with food. For example, there's banana art or even sandwich art.
Thanks to Badger for those.
September 19, 2006
On this day:
International Pirates Day
Ok, so some
Strange Statues Around the World
Can anyone tell me what this statue is meant to be about. I see it and keep thinking of Gary Glitter.
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
21. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
22. False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
23. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
24. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
25. Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
26. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
27. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
28. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
29. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
30. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
31. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
32. I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
Apparently Tony Blair has categorically stated that the NHS is safe in Labour's hands and that their policies are working.
Speaking the lingo
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No like Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence. "No like Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.
"Why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.
"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"
A fishy story
A resident in the area saw a ball bouncing around kind of strange in a nearby pond and went to investigate.
It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a child's basketball which became stuck in its mouth!!
The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface. The resident tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry catfish.
You probably wouldn't have believed this, if you hadn't seen the following pictures.
September 14, 2006
On this day:
What's the time Mr Wolf?
Are you a terrorist
Apparently there are 86 ways to tell if you're a terrorist.
7 Kinds Of Sex
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say, "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.
Spot the location
Always a good idea to ensure you spellcheck your entries.
September 08, 2006
On this day:
Convicts Smuggle Phones In The Butts
Four prisoners hid mobile phones in their backsides so they could plot blackmail, robbery and murder from their maximum security cells.
The ruse was exposed by X-rays after six weeks of investigations into members of the violent Mara Salvatrucha gang in El Salvador’s notorious Zacatecoluca jail.
I must point out that I do not smuggle anything up my arse ... but I do have to put my head between my legs to answer my mobile.
Some people are truly evil
Beyond a Miracle
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"
Dumb Speeder In Worse Trouble
A man who blew up a roadside camera after he was caught speeding has been jailed for four months. Railway worker Craig Moore, from Doncaster, thought he could destroy the evidence if he oblitered the camera. The 28-year-old used explosives taken from his work welding railway lines to destroy the camera, causing £11,700 of damage.
But the images of him speeding through the Hyde area of Manachester were stored in the camera base, Minshull Crown Court heard.
And images of him returning to wreak revenge on the carnera were also stored in the base.
Outraged scientists stormed out of a government-sponsored climate change conference dinner in Canberra last night, after the strippers booked as entertainment left them all hot and bothered.
One attendee said many of those who walked out of the dinner at Old Parliament House were women.
"I honestly could not believe my eyes when a woman covered in balloons started prancing around as delirious male scientists popped them with a pin," the person, who asked to remain anonymous, said in an email to smh.com.au.
September 05, 2006
On this day:
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Peter Crouch's Robot Dance
For those who have sons
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball along way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "Peanut Butter & Jam" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
21.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
22.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
23.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
One question, what's Clorox?