September 30, 2005
On this day:

Ginger as we call them in the UK

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "it's rust."

Stalked by a coyote

This is a kinda freaky clip. This guy films himself walking in the woods. When he stops you can just, if you listen really closely, hear a wild coyote tracking him in the background. I still can't tell if they faked the coyote sounds or if this is real but either way its a pretty cool video clip.

Is it a bird .... is it a plane

no, it's anti-porn. A site where they're against porn ... why???

Bizarre finds

If you've got some time to waste then pop over to Found Magazine where they show you things that have been ... found.

September 29, 2005
On this day:

Dolphins? ..... With Lasers????!!!!????

Armed and dangerous - Flipper the firing dolphin let loose by Katrina

by Mark Townsend Houston
Sunday September 25, 2005
The Observer

It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.

Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.

Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly.

Leo Sheridan, 72, a respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry, said he had received intelligence from sources close to the US government's marine fisheries service confirming dolphins had escaped.

'My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises. If divers or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they could fire,' he said. 'The darts are designed to put the target to sleep so they can be interrogated later, but what happens if the victim is not found for hours?'

Usually dolphins were controlled via signals transmitted through a neck harness. 'The question is, were these dolphins made secure before Katrina struck?' said Sheridan.

The mystery surfaced when a separate group of dolphins was washed from a commercial oceanarium on the Mississippi coast during Katrina. Eight were found with the navy's help, but the dolphins were not returned until US navy scientists had examined them.

Sheridan is convinced the scientists were keen to ensure the dolphins were not the navy's, understood to be kept in training ponds in a sound in Louisiana, close to Lake Pontchartrain, whose waters devastated New Orleans.

The navy launched the classified Cetacean Intelligence Mission in San Diego in 1989, where dolphins, fitted with harnesses and small electrodes planted under their skin, were taught to patrol and protect Trident submarines in harbour and stationary warships at sea.

Criticism from animal rights groups ensured the use of dolphins became more secretive. But the project gained impetus after the Yemen terror attack on the USS Cole in 2000. Dolphins have also been used to detect mines near an Iraqi port.

Tell me bout the rabbits ... tell me bout the rabbits


The 200-foot-long toy rabbit lies on the side of the 5,000 foot high Colletto Fava mountain in northern Italy's Piedmont region.

Viennese art group Gelatin designed the giant soft toy and say it was "knitted by dozens of grannies out of pink wool".

Group member Wolfgang Gantner said: "It's supposed to make you feel small, like Gulliver. You walk around it and you can't help but smile."

And Gelatin members say the bunny is not just for walking around - they are expecting hikers to climb its 20 foot sides and relax on its belly.

The giant rabbit is expected to remain on the mountain side until 2025.

Found at Empty Words for Empty Minds

She's not stupid

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. . .


According to recent news, Goose and I may be saved. Scientists have managed to regrow hair on a bald mouse.

In other news, a new surgical procedure means Goose can finally have the body he wants following a moob (male breast) reduction.


Here in the UK there seems to be a variety of punishments for speeding and other driving offences with no consistency. In fact the UK has the most draconian laws aimed at the motorist in probably the whole of the world according to the Association of British Drivers; an excellent resource for the multitude of ways that the government have taxed the UK motorist.

Recently we have discovered that 101 policemen have been caught speeding and only 6 punished. On top of this an eleven year old boy caught driving a BMW who, despite the fact that he has no licence, has been banned from driving! Ok, when he gets his licence he gets 9 points on it straight away, 12 and you are banned, but even so it's not much of a deterrent is it?

So, the question that requires answering is Should speed limits be banned? Bear in mind that speeding is only considered to be a factor in something like 5% of accidents.

September 27, 2005
On this day:


One for Uberbitch a game where you race farting arses cunningly called Arse Race Game

New Project

Attu and Yaikz have started a new project. Called Braindepot it's a blog where anyone can post anything they wish. Here are a few examples:
Emergency aircraft landing
Microsoft's first store
Gokart crashes
Pimp My Bride

Can you handle stress?

One teacher said, "I felt like they were all moving...but slowly. Kinda like, they were breathing."

The pictures attached are used to test the level of stress a person can handle. The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress. Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly; however, senior citizens and kids see them standing still. None of these images are animated - they are perfectly static.

Let me know how they appear to you in the comments.

Stress Picture 1
Stress Picture 2
Stress Picture 3

Jeb Does 'Crazy Frog'

I've posted several times about how much that bloody Crazy Frog annoys me, but today I found one that I actually like. From Weakend Productions comes Jeb Does 'Crazy Frog'. If you work in IT then check out Jeb's Jobs ... I've been there.

September 23, 2005
On this day:

This ain't Wright

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!"

Shamelessly lifted from eye'm off my rocker

Being English is ...

Being English

Stolen from

Spot the difference

Now I'm not too bad at these spot the difference pics but even I can't spot the difference.

Love biking trips?

This is how bike trips should be.

Virulent Plague

The most virulent plague in recent memory has struck down thousands. In what has been termed a world event, people are wandering into towns to see bodies littering the street. Should you be afraid? Only if you happen to be a player in World of Warcraft.

September 20, 2005
On this day:


As you probably know Uberbitch has had a chat room for a while now. Well she's upgraded it using the same chat as TTR2 which means that you can use a cam if you so wish. You will need to register for an account, but if you have an account with TTR2's chat then it'll work at Uberbitch's.

Boys making their dads proud

Hosted by

Hosted by

Hosted by

Hosted by

Hosted by

Hosted by

Like Harry Potter?

How to pronounce Harry Potter character names

How do you tell ...

if a bear is male

Fuck, suck, shit

How not to get a decent google page ranking

September 15, 2005
On this day:

Viz top tips

A collection of Viz top tips to tickle your funny bone

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pi$$ before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

EMPLOYEES - Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

LADIES - An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

SCROOGES - Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".

GENTLEMAN - Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is in the house.

PLUMBERS - Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential emergency plug chain repairs.

MICRA DRIVERS - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

ADVENTUROUS LOVERS - Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.

ANGLERS - Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day

SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.

ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.

TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.

CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.

Stolen from TTR2's blog


If you ever have the misfortune to end up meeting Bubba, make sure you are very careful in the shower

Bush relaxing

President Bush and his pappy have been having a relaxing time down in New Orleans

Two nuns

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

September 13, 2005
On this day:

Got skype?

You may not be talking to who you think ....

I use Skype to talk to my girlfriend who's currently overseas (or, I'm overseas, depends how you look at it. Anyway..) Just from the mere fact that she'd put her age and the fact she was female, was enough for seedy guys to try coming on to her when she was online. Now, I didn't get any random people try coming on to me so I was feeling a bit left out. After crying to myself for a while, I decided to make up a slightly more provocative profile and see what happened. Well the calls and messages appeared almost straight away, and with that, a plan formed...

Read more about his Skype prank


A home video shot by parents ... and before you ask no it's not me and tatas ... give it a few years though ... mwuhahaha

My Last Email

Hi everyone
I'm sorry to say this but this will be my last e-mail. Things have been a bit tough lately and life is getting shorter and shorter every day. I want to take time and smell the Roses.

The JOB is definitely not what it used to be .... sooooo ... I am going to quit e-mailing jokes and travel full time with a biker gang to see the country and enjoy life while I still can. Don't worry about me - they all seem like really nice people.

It has been nice emailing you, I'll think about you guys.....
But it's time to say good bye.
I have enclosed a photo of the biker gang below ........
OK ... OK ... so I'm kidding about this being my last email.

But I do think this would be a great gang to join up with.

September 09, 2005
On this day:

To all my fans

You know how you are; the 40 to 50 recurring visitors who come here just to see if I've updated this pitiful excuse for a blog. I would especially like to thank you people, whereever in the world you may be.

But ... come on you knew there'd be a but didn't you?

Personal circumstances mean that I am unable to maintain the amount of hours I can spend surfing the electronic superwave looking for the flotsam and jetsam of the internet for your, and of course my, quirky sense of humour. This doesn't mean that I am never going to post again ... no, no, no, no ... it'll take more than that for you to get rid of me ... it just means that posting will be sporadic at best, down right infrequent at worst.

So if you still want a giggle you can always try looking at the links on the left or try catching me in one of the chat rooms, also listed on the left.

September 08, 2005
On this day:

What's your home page

Put the link that you have for your browser in the comments.

September 06, 2005
On this day:

Bugatti EB16.4 Veyron

Ok, so it's just smashed the world speed record, but where the hell would you drive a Bugatti EB16.4 Veyron?

Bugatti EB16.4 Veyron

Stand up gags

I Realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be shitting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
- Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly

Not just New Orleans

that got smashed up by hurricane Katrina, the Shell Mars oil platform was definitely worse for wear.

Mars before Katrina

Mars after Katrina