Vodka and Red Bull Christmas Cake

Yup, it’s nearly that time of the year ... and now is the time to start baking that Christmas cake. So to help you, here is a recipe for

Vodka and Red Bull Christmas Cake

Ingredients

1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
4 large eggs
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups dried fruit
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 can of Red Bull
1 bottle of Vodka

Method

1. Sample the vodka to check the quality. (VERY IMPORTANT)


2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.


3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of vodka and mix with a little Red Bull and drink


4. Repeat


5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl


6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again


7. At this point it is best to make sure the vodka is still ok


8. Flavour with Red Bull to taste


9. Try another cup – just in case, turn the mixerer off


10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in a cup of dried fruit


11. Pick fruit off the floor


12. Mix on the turner


13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry loose with a drewscriver


14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitiy, flavour with a little Bed Rull


15. Next, ssifffft two cups of salt. Or something ... Who giveshz a shit


16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder


17. Pick up the can, mop the floor


18. Check the vodka (shee steps 3 and 4)


19. Now shift the lemon and strain your nuts


20. Add one table


21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.


22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over


23. Don’t forget to beat off the turner


24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog


25. Fall into bed

Chav Nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gobsmacked.

She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? to have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh?

Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO