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Motor Cycle News [MCN] is calling on the government this week to scrap its plans for bikes that take control away from the rider in order to make breaking speed limits impossible.

And we're calling on readers to get behind our campaign to abandon the fundamentally flawed idea after we rode a bike fitted with the technology last week and found it to be frightening, dangerous and a potential killer.

Article and Petition

Updated posts are shown below

Sexual Definitions

The Dictionary of Sexual Terms and Expressions

fadge: A cross between a fanny and a vagina

No entry for mushroom tattoo though.

Honestly, m'lud I found it lying on the ground and picked it up. The fact that Mr Badger claims to have found it first is purely coincidental.

Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' ...

And before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

Snatched from eyerocker

What a send off

Five people have been detained in China for running striptease send-offs at funerals, state media say.

The once-common events are held to boost the number of mourners, as large crowds are seen as a mark of honour.

I want a send off like this ... on the other hand I wouldn't be around to enjoy the strippers.

Holiday

"Did you enjoy your holiday?"

"Yes, the airport was very close to the beach."

Thoughts for today

10- Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.


AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants
and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration!!!

How stupid are the authorities getting?

Well I can tell you that the authorities in the UK are getting so stupid that they are on the verge of lunacy.

Firstly, we have the man who was fined £75 for flicking his fag ash out of the window while driving.

Secondly, we have the editing of smoking from Tom and Jerry cartoons because of one, yes you read that correctly, one complaint!!!!

Then thing is that the government are wondering why 13% [of people interviewed ]said they were hoping to in the near future, almost twice the number asked the question in 2003. Britons are constantly having more restrictive laws applied to them such as the one that allows local councils to seize a house if it is unoccupied for six months but this will not apply to Ministers!!!

I am seriously considering joining that 13%!!!

Call center calls

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France )
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

BA halts all flights from the UK

SCAM WARNING

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a Survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.

This is a scam. They only want to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this yesterday, I feel so stupid and cheap.

Marriage

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

Funny pictures

Essex Girl Jokes

I haven't published some for a while and they may be repeats, but I love Essex girl jokes so here goes.

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An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl.

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."

----------------------------------------------------------------

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."

------------------------------------------------------------------

An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.

The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.

It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's fucking hundreds of 'em!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

If men ruled the world ...

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the match, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Good effort, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in lager, bitter or stout.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be chief executive.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage towns in Essex.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

The bins would take themselves out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're number 1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Crimestoppers would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: "Friends, naked".

Jerry Springer and the cast from 'Eastenders' would be chained to a JCB and pushed off St. Paul's cathedral for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only programme opposite European Football would be European Football from a Different Camera Angle.

Women wouldn't be allowed to drive sports cars!!

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a copper gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Policeman: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Policeman: "Nice one. That's 10 quid off."

Taps would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 per cent proof."

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Sick Jokes

Well I've had a request from some pretty sick individuals for more sick jokes soooooooooo ....

How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?

The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.

If you thought that was bad then do not under any circumstances try this at home, no we mean it ... don't. Shit, been watching too much Brainiac. I mean, don't click for any more sick jokes.

Public Safety Announcement

I thought this was Piggy at first. But it graphically illustrates why you should wear a seat belt while driving.

Postcode risk assessment

If you live in the UK, you can find out how much risk is weighted on your car insurance by where you live.

Handy Hints

1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, a dog turd and a used condom into the bath.

6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

7) Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

9) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

14) A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

20) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

21) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

22) Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

23) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

24) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

25) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

26) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

27) Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

28) A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

Me in a decade or so

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real work-out with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied: "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied "I'm watching football with my son in law"

Ooops

The gentleman with the beard has had his testicles accidentally removed in a surgical cock-up . They are speaking flemish but you don't need to understand to understand what's going on, if you see what I mean.

Sound is required.

ROFLMAO

David Letterman's tribute to Bill Gates

Joke

A man and his wife have been struggling to conceive a child for many years and eventually visit a specialist. After a few visits and many tests, the consultant offers an appointment to the couple so that they can discuss the results.

"Well," says the consultant, "I have the results back"
"Is it good news?" Asks the husband
"Let me put it this way," says the specialist,"Do you know how to fasten nappies?"
"Am I pregnant?" asks the wife
"No - You've got bowel cancer"

More over at this.is.anfield

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel to Earth. When she returned, she told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth: 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it's true the earth is in ecline: 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because he wanted to encourage them - give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?




Just wondering - I didn't get one either ...

Skanked from eyerocker

You aren't Jane Goodall

Children's Books

I've been looking for some childrens books this week and I must say there is a lot of liberal wishy washy namby pamby kids books out there.

Does any one know of a shop where I can get any of the Following titles?

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. Glenda the Goldfish and the pot of Boiling Water
30. Bribe your way to an "A"

When to keep your mouth shut

A chap was standing in a queue at the super market till & this rather dishy blonde starts to wave at him & says hello, she looks familiar & he's rather taken aback by such a looker.

He says, "Sorry but do I know you?"

She replies "Well I could be mistaken but I thought you could be the father of one of my children."

His mind races back to the only time he had been unfaithful & says "Your not the strip-a-gram I screwed on the pool table with all my mates watching & one of them whipped me with a bunch of wet celery and stuffed a cucumber up my arse?"

She said, "No I'm your son's maths teacher!"

Hair removal

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the
hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RIPPPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing ddrums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake ...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement- epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Mailed to me from another blog. Credit to the original poster.

Japanese sauna prank

Who farted?

It would seem that someone within the "royal ranks" passed wind whilst.

On the balcony much to the amusement of all.

Notice HM the Queen's face in the first two photo's, then look at her final expression in picture three.

How guilty does HRH the Duke of Edinburgh look?

PRICELESS!!!