Posts from the cell
March 26, 2007
On this day:
This is what happened to a driver who put her faith in her satellite navigation system – she ended up in deep water. The £96,000 Mercedes sports car was swept away in a swollen river and the motorist had to be rescued as it sank.
Splash-nav: Sometimes it is good to question modern technology
The driver, the latest of many to be led astray by satnavs, was on her way to a christening party in Leicestershire when she was sent down a winding track usually used only by farmers in their 4x4s.
Although the track is signposted as unsuitable for motor vehicles', the driver carried on and found herself at a ford in the village of Sheepy Magna.
Still accepting what the satnav told her, she set out to cross the ford, but it was swollen after days of heavy rain.
The Mercedes SL500 was swept 600 yards downstream, bouncing fromone bank of the River Sense to the other as the woman, in her late 20s and from London, frantically tried to escape.
She was finally rescued by villager Alice Clark when the car ran aground.
Miss Clark, a 24-year-old stables owner, said: She was screaming “help me, help me” as she struggled to get the door open.
I waded in to the chest-deep water using a log as a buoyancy aid.
Just as I reached her the electrics went, causing the windows to open and even more water started gushing in.
Had I not held on to some barbed wire attached to the bank and the log I would have been swept away.
Luckily she was not a big girl so I desperately hauled her through the window into the river.
Seconds later, the car became completely submerged as it filled with water.'
Miss Clark's boyfriend then took the woman, who gave her name only as Hayley, to a motorway service station where a chauffeur-driven Bentley collected her.
Miss Clark said: Afterwards she sent me a big bouquet of flowers to say “thank you”.'
The car remained stuck in the river for a week after the incident on March 3 until it was recovered by a tow-truck. It is believed to be a write-off.
March 21, 2007
On this day:
Kids went to bed Monday night as per. 2 hours later son gets up and hurls. Great thinks I as he has a habit of working himself up into a high state of anxiety and excitement before his birthday, which was yesterday. He finishes and goes back to bed. An hour or so later everyone is in bed.
Fast forward into the small hours of Tuesday morning and I wake up because my stomach's making funny noises; nothing unusual there either. About an hour later I run to the toilet where the contents of my stomach decide that they need to get past the u-bend at the speed of sound. In a weakened state I crawl back into bed shivering with a fever.
Two hours later I'm following my son's example and hurling the small amount of stomach contents that missed the u-bend express and have decided to make their own way using the alternative route.
Spent hours in bed, shivering and sleeping while desperately trying not to burp or fart. Tatas comes in later with a cup of tea and asks how I feel. I enquire as to the time 3:30!!!!! Get up manage some dry toast and a banana. Go to bed and sleep right round til this morning.
Next time my son says he wants me home for his birthday I'll book the day off. It's definitely less stressful!
March 13, 2007
On this day:
Piggy goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Piggy replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Piggy replies "He fingered me first".
Three dirty bitches
Three dirty bitches decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, Sniffy squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
Maidink then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
MJ squats on the table, but when she stands back up, Sniffy says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
March 03, 2007
On this day:
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he went into one of the classes who were discussing words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the PM if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy" So the PM asked the class for an example of "tragedy".
One boy stood up and said "if my best friend was playing in a field and a tractor ran over him and killed him that would be a tragedy"
"No" said Blair," that would be an accident"
A girl raised her hand and said "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy"
"No" said Blair,"That's what we call a great loss"
Then a small boy at the back of the room raised his hand and said "If the airplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy"
"Fantastic" exclaimed Blair "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well" says the boy "It has to be a tragedy because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either"