February 28, 2005
On this day:

Firefox update

If you haven't done so already, you can now update to Firefox 1.0.1.
Mozilla released Firefox 1.0.1 to fix, among other bugs, a vulnerability in the Internationalized Domain Names (IDN), a standard for handling special character sets in domain names that lets companies register domain names that appear to be the same in different languages.

The IDN vulnerability allowed an attacker to create a fake Web site on a non-Microsoft browser in order to pull off a phishing scam. The updated browser will display the IDN Punycode in the address bar, preventing URL spoofing.
Firefox release notes and downloads

Audi test drive

Ok, so you're a bored German with nothing better to do so how can you pass the time? Drive your Audi up a ski-slope of course. Now I would have been more impressed if they'd driven it down the slope hahahaha.

Found at Attu's

Get well Badger

Badger had to go to the hospital yesterday following a house cleaning incident.

Did you know ...

The common cold is actually any of over 300 different viruses. Each one of them, like the chicken pox, can only be caught once in a lifetime.

A rat's sneeze contains no bacteria.
Was this tested on a Lab rat by any chance?

The average house has more spoons than forks.
I'm not allowed sharp implements anyway

Shoelaces have an average life span of 3.2 years before breaking.
Even quicker if they're not removed from prisoners

Kids who first bite the heads off of "Teddy Grahams" and other animal-based snacks tend to show violent behavior later in life.
So watch you're kids carefully

Any given day, one in 12 people describes themselves as having a "bad hair day."
Apart from Goose, George (Goose's brother) and me

One in every five American children ages six to 13 start their morning with a cup of coffee.
So remove the caffeine and stop doping them up

Caption this

Annoying tune

What is it with kids that they love annoying tunes? Means that I'm going to be walking around with earplugs for a while.


Found this on Friday but didn't get round to posting it. The uberBitch found it on the same day.

Pimpzilla is a theme for the browser Firefox. It's also probably the most tacky & overdone piece of GUI design out there, aimed solely for true internet-connaisseurs. If you are into fur and lot's of bling, this is the theme for you.


Microsoft Ex-Pee


Ant Kendo are you a master?

Officer's Revenge

A Navy Chief Petty Officer flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the Chief was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the Chief, having spent his time successfully acquiring another nest egg (poker and acey duecy winnings) returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The Chief thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

He got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked?

"Fifteen bucks " came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The Chief got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The Chief said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the chief gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Thanks Tim

February 25, 2005
On this day:

Slip slidin away

Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip slidin’ away


Whoa, I'm going to Barbados ... well, no I'm not but I can dream can't I? The Barbados in this instance is a game.

Music and your personality

According to this quiz I scored:
65 % enjoys reflective and complex music
81 % enjoys edgy and aggressive music
25 % enjoys fun and simple music
56 % enjoys energetic and upbeat music
What does you taste in music say about your personality?

Hand puppet

No, not another one of Badger's euphemisms but simple puppetry by Lejo

Middle Lane Morons

It always amazes me how few people remember the bit in the Highway Code about keeping left unless overtaking. It's a simple rule. You pull out. You overtake. You pull back in.

Thanks Marc

The Mafia's New Collecter

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector.

The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

Found at TTR2's blog

February 24, 2005
On this day:

Noah's Ark

It is the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says:

"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So! no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has"

Thanks Tim

Sub $100 pc


Some thief ...

knicked half my bike.

Although this looks like a motorcycle chopped in half it's .... erm ... well ... a motorcycle that's .... chopped in half? More info can be found at Motorcyclecity.com and BRP, the manufacturer's site.

How to get free music

The software of a certain well known music provider who provided free music before they were taken to court can be used in conjunction with a certain free music player to download free music. Course I don't know if this works.

For George

For those of you who don't know him, George is theGoose's brother. Now George likes to supply Goose with jokes every now and then and I think he gets his inspiration from here

Shopping trip

Want to know how Badger's last shopping trip went? Well my spies have been out and captured the furry furtive fiend on video.

Found at Attu's

Mother ...

boards ... hahaha!

Without a doubt, motherboards are the most complex and essential part of the modern PC. Not only do they hold the chipsets that pass data from peripherals, drives and memory to the processor, they also provide slots and ports for all your other system components and the circuits through which all data must pass. Perhaps surprisingly then, motherboards get very little respect in the computing press as compared to other components. They are perpetually the team player and not the star of the show, and are generally priced as such.

Find out everything you ever needed to know about how motherboards are made.

Mr and Mrs Wheatley

Mr and Mrs Wheatley is one of the funniest video clip sites that I have seen for a while. My particular favourite is the video entitled Cunning Stunts.

Go play with the traffic

as my mum would frequently tell me. Well now anyone can without fear of being hurt

The Grand Canyon secrets

From National Geographic. With interactive map, photos and more.

What type of cheese are you?

I am feta!

Cheese Test

A new keyboard

Company founder John Parkinson spent nine years studying the manifold aspects of the qwerty problem as well as the attempted solutions, while inventing, perfecting, and patenting his device. The result is the first worthwhile alternative to the current standard qwerty, which for many will be a long-awaited opportunity to escape from a hated master.

Found at Netlitter

February 23, 2005
On this day:

Noooooooooooo ....


Happy Birthday to you ...

It's Mrs Convict's birthday today. Happy birthday butterfly. I thought I'd give you some birthday related links.
How to say Happy Birthday in 161 languages.
Where did the song originate?
What's the probability of 2 people in a group sharing a birthday?
A site to consider when buying a present
Want some birthday poetry? You are allowed to use the poems from this site.
Check out your horoscope which may or may not be accurate.
How does your star sign affect the way you eat chocolates?

Badger vs Crackhead

Who do you think would win in a fight between Badger and a crackhead? One opinion can be found at The Versus Page.

Webmaster Hotlinking Investigation

Evilzug couldn't work out why he had so many hits from yahoo image searches so he does come investigation. Finds out that the searches are for Paris Hilton, who isn't on his server so he digs around some more and finds out something unexpected. Evil prank then ensues.


One guy's listed all his piercings with descriptions and pictures for most of them. Be warned the last one (Apadravya) is graphic in its description.

How to ...

make a Citrix hotplate.

Top 50 Games

I can't believe that Doom is only 26!!

Before they were famous

A slideshow of stars before they hit the big time.

Why Terrorists Commit Suicide

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now No Jesus, No Walmart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties. No Home Depot. No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.

More than one wife.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE?

Thanks Tim

February 22, 2005
On this day:

Stop Press

Warning: this picture is graphic, you have been warned!

Prince Charles has been caught riding Camilla in the countryside.

Tony and Sharon

Tony and Sharon were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Tony suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Sharon promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Tony out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Sharon's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Sharon be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Sharon to be mentally stable. She went to Sharon and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient,
you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Tony, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Sharon replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Thanks Tim

Hot porn

Amazing hot porn over at ... furnitureporn.com. Too much time ...


This video clip shows 3 different breakdancers, but focuses on one particular guy how is absolutely amazing. Look out for the press ups with a difference

Ever wondered

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Now you know

Your name deciphered

Literal meaning
"Misplaced optimism."

Famously confined to the Scottish Highlands, then to prison, then to bed on the eve of a Tuesday, the name Convict was originally used largely to refer to those who worked in the hills building things out of hills, before being mispronounced by a registering officer.
Famous Convicts
  1. Professor Convict Oily-Nootlooter, belittler of the early career of Roy Clarke; first holder of the office of King's Bath Taster;
  2. Convict A Chinly, RN, BSc ("The Mighty"), early user of the self-propelled gardener; last holder of the office of King High Wizard Of Ipswich;
  3. Convict Tidecatcher, once saved by a creature from the id;
  5. Convict Dufallily-Frote, named in court as holding compromising material concerning the nightmare cupboard; first holder of the office of Her Majesty's Punchbag;
  6. Convict O'Mapduster-Sponetote ("The Reasonably Broadly Educated"), exposed in the press as having swapped a child for the lost consonant of Atlatis;
  7. Convict Tinkermouse, MA, who could never shake an early association with the quick-burning funeral boat;
  8. Convict E Q I Smmith, first victim of the self-aware cartoon strip; first holder of the inevitably blasphemous office of Country's Most Secret Spy;
  9. Brigadier-General Convict d'Itching, opponent of fifty-nine entirely new ways to kneel; last holder of the office of Hot Diggity;
  10. Convict de Sprewt-Nivea, haunted by an image of Sock 'n' Roll; ghost-writer of Thora Hird's deeply upsetting autobiography, TOOT-A-TWANG-TWANG.
Typical Convict motto
"Let us emulate the wily Prussian."

Get your name deciphered

Which website are you?

You are miniclip.com You like to play games and entertain people. You have been known to shock and flash on occasion.
Which Website are You?

February 21, 2005
On this day:

Enough for today ...

I'm off to take the dog for a walk

And we all know ...

that car thieves are bastards, so protect your car.

Traffic Wardens

Can be right bastards

American Navy

Let's hope they learned from this video before they went to the Gulf

On the subject of driving ...

Dad stop the car I feel sick.

Winter driving

So the eastern coast of the U.K. is currently experiencing snow falls of over 4 inches, as my brother let me know. As such I would like to remind everyone to take care when driving in these slippery conditions. Mmmmmmm .... slippery ....

Found DNA


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.


Funny series of short animations based on films.

Beer Snobbery

Hahaha too funny, over at Modern Drunkard Magazine and if you're looking to become a beer snob have a look at this

For that stunning smile

Make sure you've got your Pocket Dentist with you.

February 18, 2005
On this day:

Stress Management

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."

"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. "In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Thanks Marc

February 17, 2005
On this day:


Another one of those video clips that has you going ... Whaaaa???

I want one

Just hope that my son doesn't see the pictures of this tank.


Can anyone tell me what this advert is about? It seems to be an ad for KFC but the admen were on acid.

February 16, 2005
On this day:

New condom

Durex have bought out a new condom especially for the Chav

Thanks Tim

It's so cold ...

up in Canada, when it's winter so I found a handy site for Badger

Browser wars

There is a speed war on the web. Browsers compete on many fronts; security, standards support, features and speed. Most people are aware of which major browser fails on three of these, but one of them is still open for grabs. Speed.

Are you a metrosexual?

I am 14% Metrosexual.
Metro-What? Git Off My Lawn!
I need some advice. I need to STOP BUYING MY CLOTHS AT WAL-MART!!!! I will never land a decent woman unless I shave this nasty facial hair, and spend more then $5 on a haircut.
Take the
Metrosexual Test
@ FualiDotCom

Sport Illustrated - Swimsuit Edition

Ok, so everyone knows that the Swimsuit Edition is out. But this guy has one question.

Sobriety test

This video shows how drunk drivers should be tested - via

For Badger

I'm sure this is what he would really like (NSFW)

I like to ride my bicycle

I just don't know how

10 years from now

Ever wondered how celebrities might look 10 years from now? Wonder no more, take a look at:

Britney Spears
Celine Dione
Halle Berry
Anna Kournikova
Angelina Jolie
Brad Pitt

Web cams

You've probably seen the "My ah heee, my oh ho" videos going around the net. But here's something a bit different and more in line with my taste in music. These two call themselves the de chop guys. Now the guys over at Anothersite.co.uk have got hold of another one which is more in line with the raver's taste of music.

Pussy tricks

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "No Shit!! It can whistle too?!"

Found at The Dollhouse

Ah kids

A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids i.e. 6 year-olds.

Strike while the ... insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of ... ants.
Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.
Better to be safe than ... punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll ... stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before ... Daylight-Saving Time.
You can lead a horse to water but ... how?
No news is ... impossible.
A miss is as good as a ... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new ... maths.
Love all, trust ... me.
The pen is mightier than the ... pigs.
An idle mind is ... the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's ... pollution.
Happy the bride who ... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is ... not much.
Two's company, three's ... the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what ... you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as ... Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not ... smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind ... get out of the way.
Better late than ... pregnant!

February 15, 2005
On this day:

Flag Day

photo hosting and image hosting by ImageVenue.com

According to my friend Creamy today is Flag Day in Canada. So I thought I'd put together a little post for all you Canadians that regularly visit my site.

I know that it's winter in England, but the Canadians have slightly more severe winters than we do. "How do they get through these tough winters?" I hear you ask. Easy, they make sure they stock up with a Canadian winter survival kit.

Did you know that Canada's first box of Girl Guide cookies were sold in Regina, Saskatchewan in 1927?

Hmmm ... Lays ... an interesting name for some crisps ... and they look very much like our own Walkers.
Test how Canadian you are.
Newfies don't care what they name their town.
You know you're Canadian when
Emily Way has An American's Guide to Canada which is just as useful for everyone else as we tend to only hear the American myths and stereotypes.
Another resource for us non-Canadians Canada Kicks Ass.

Don't forget that you should also visit 2 of my favourite Canadians uberBitch and the rodent Badger.

Politically correct

With all the furore over the American church evangalista pushing for more censorship and less sex education, I present a list of politically correct terms.

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

For the kids

I know this is an old one but Pixar's For The Birds is an enjoyable animated short.

Found via Joker Inc

Rock Paper Scissors ...

with a twist

Everybody dance now

This guy is fed up with his roommate's dancing so decides to tape it and show him how stupid he looks.


Bugmenot.com is a site where you can enter a url to bypass registration pages. They also have a firefox extension.

February 14, 2005
On this day:

Randy Hands

Are you in need of a bit of manual relief like Badger? Pop over to Randy Hands where you can see the filthiest hands on the net.

Ok it's a wind up but if you want to see some dirty stuff go to Convict's Bitches

Linux Virgin

I'm wearing boots of escaping

Hahaha, no you're not

I need TP for my bunghole

So I had a look round The Virtual Toilet Paper Museum

Romantic stories

These are exerpts from books that have made it onto the Literary Review Bad awards; awards that name and shame books and their authors containing shambolic and downright unsexy sexy passages.

The thought project

Over a 3 month period I stopped 150 strangers on the street and asked them what they were thinking about the second before I stopped them.

Found via D-sign

The iToilet

For theGoose.

Found via Creamy

Guys you should learn this

Apparently there are Five Kinds of Sex She Craves, ladies you can leave your comments as to the accuraccy of this.

Found via Ang's Weird Ideas

Battle Cry

Found at Badger's

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Skulking out of the terrain, clutching a burning branch, cometh Convict! And he gives a vengeful cry:

"I'm going to contort you until the cops have to tear me off your wraithly spirit!"

Find out!
Enter username:
Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys


All cats know how to relax properly as shown by exhibit A - via Badger

Some Questions

Badger asked me to answer these questions.

1. Dead or alive. Who would you like to meet?
A - Cliff Burton to tell him not to get on the coach or at least to stay awake.
2. If you had to choose. Would you rather be hearing or sight impaired?
A - Hearing, I couldn't do without looking at beautiful women but I can do without listening to them moan.
3. Burning house. You can only save one. Who? For those of you who are not married. Your significant other or your mother. Your spouse or your only child?
A - Whichever one I got to first.
4. Who would you want to hit? Guys: Britney or Christina (or pick
another and tell). Girls: Justin Timberlake or Johnny Depp (or pick another and tell). Once again the person can be dead or alive. Do not pick the same person as Question 1.
A - It would have to be Britney cos I prefer Christina's voice.
5. You find a bag with $100,000 dollars, pounds, etc in unmarked bills.
Do your turn it in?
A - Do I fuck, I'm a Convict remember!!

What are your answers? Leave them in the comments.

Update: Having checked Badger's answers to these questions I realised he meant a different hit in question 4 than what I meant. I understood the question to mean 'Who would you punch the crap out of?' Badger meant 'Shag senseless' in which case my answer would be Christina.

February 11, 2005
On this day:

Badger's Dream Girl

Has finally shown up. Via Creamy


I wasn't going to post anything more today but after seeing this I couldn't wait. Torn by Natalie Imbruglialialia the fit chick from Neighbours after Kylie (no, not Kylie's sister, the other dark haired one) for the deaf

Valentine's Day

No getting away from it, it's Valentine's Day on Monday.
I prefer the original meaning of Valentine's Day.
A few suggestions as to what you can do on this special day.
Remember love hearts? Here are some new ones.
Ladies, if you want to buy your Valentine something a bit different.
For those of us that aren't poets, get some for free.
I'm sure DNA would agree to the comment about this card.

Send an anti-Valentine or a Valentine card. Just make sure they don't look like any of these.

discover your inner candy heart @ quiz me

Dollhouse has moved

Due to certain circumstances Badgirl has had to move the Dollhouse to http://dollhouse.ozserve.no-ip.org so make sure your bookmarks are updated.

Accelerated Hairdressing Course

Take a look at this post over at Convict's Bitches (NSFW)

Royal Calendar

My mate Tim has just alerted me to the fact that there is a Royal Family calendar for 2005. Not wanting to seem as though I don't respect the Royal Family I thought I would share the pictures with you.

Highbrow now

Not everything that I find is inane and purile, sometimes I like to provide you with some intellectual stimulation. One of the best ways to improve your intellect is to go to a museum.

Stop press

Badger's intrepid reported has managed to come up with another scoop. Using his guile and wit he managed to sneak into the Neverland Ranch and catch Michael Jackson as he prepared to go to court.

Thanks Tim

Have you noticed ...

how just one picture can say more than a thousand words?

Thanks Tim


Love them or hate them smileys are everywhere: in instant messengers; mobile texts; e-mail ... even on the internet on pages and comments. You always see the front, but have you ever wondered what a smiley looks like from the other side?

Thanks Marc

50th Anniversary

Here's one for you as we approach Valentine's Day.

On the day of their 50th anniversary, the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He gradually but politely looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes, dear, I do. You wore the same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right! But, do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes, dear, I still remember".

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey,as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"

She giggles and says, "Oh my God! Yes, dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now, it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looks her up and down, smiles and replies, "Mission accomplished."


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement as she continues. "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

February 10, 2005
On this day:

No wonder the bar's empty

I went into this pub the other day and asked for a shot of whiskey, I wished I hadn't ....

Found via Attu


If you like to pogo, for the old schoolers or mosh for the newbies, around try this game from Flip. The idea is to knock your opponent so they trash the room.
Alternatively if you hate punks, you can Drop Kick The Faint. My best score was in the high 8,000.
Of course, every punk needs a kitten to play with. I'm kidding, there are punk chicks out there willing to post pics.
Try your hand at creating your own punk song with this.
Keep an eye on all the punk news at absolutepunk.net.
If you're into old school punk then take a trip down memory lane at punk77.
If you want to go for the punk look then have a look at the Insta Punk Kit.

Right, I'm off to kill children, steal peoples mail and gas the golf course.

The Sermon

A man goes to the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"

"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hat pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin.

"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.

Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband.

Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.

"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard, threatening glare.

Before long though she again nodded off. This time however the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to poke his wife with the hat pin again.

He jabbed her hard in the leg just as the minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted at her husband, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"

"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.

Hello Toes

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes, "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know you are 92 today? Oh the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor?

Happy Birthday, toes!"

Hello, knees" he continued. "How are you knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees!"

Then he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."

Thanks Tim

Glad I'm not in Arizona

Joe Arpaio Elected Again
Needless to say he was re-elected again this year. Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the tent city jail has meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination. He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel. When asked why the weather channel he replied, "So they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs." He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back." He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports that about 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. "It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

February 09, 2005
On this day:

Where's the soap?

Where's the water!!!!

Ok, some more videos

What is this video about?
I'm not sure if the drunk in this video is stupid or brave. The cop definitely likes his Tazer though.
Does this video show us the future of Cybersex? Is it Badger while Mrs Badger's out? I'm pretty sure that it is Badger dancing at the end.
I heard a rumour that the uberBitch wanted to get married and have kids the other day. Well here's a video to show her the joys of parenthood.
Guy paints a porch ... or is it ...
Would you like to try kite surfing but can't afford the gear? These kids found a way to try it out.

I am so tired

photo hosting and image hosting by ImageVenue.com

I'm really tired today, what with working on 2 blogs well into the night and playing this excellent game. I did manage to watch a program about sleep the other night which now has me thinking that I should have listened to their advice. If you want to find out about sleeping patterns, how lack of sleep affects you and whether you're a lark or an owl pop over here.

Suicide bunnies

I think that these toons are hilarious but then I am a sick individual otherwise I wouldn't be locked up.

Fat Kid

Found this funny video of a fat kid asking women for sex on Laxtime. Nearly spit my coffee. So I searched around and found the fat kid selling beer and cookies.

I found out that his name's Andy Milonakis and he went to a twins convention; I'm sure theGoose, Badger and DNA wouldn't mind going there. Mind you Badger has been seen helping old ladies across the road.

Next he's interviewing people about New York smoking ban. Finally he ends up taking some well deserved r n r by going to the beach and a rock festival where he gets to annoy Kelly Osbourne. I particularly liked Kelly's comment about child labour for entertainment ... erm was this shot before or after their MTV show?


Advert for a Seat Panda
Is this dog Badger's?
A mate of mine showed me this the other day. A video from the cockpit of a helicopter taking down some insurgents.
A cool animation called More, which you may get later.

February 08, 2005
On this day:

RoadKill À L' Orange

Delicious dishes can be made with small, dead animals you find at the side of the road. Since roadkill deteriorates rapidly on hot tarmac, choose only fresh meat that has not been picked-over by birds or attracted flies. Store immediately in your beer cooler.

A good size, fresh badger, gopher, ground hog or hedgehog.
Fresh orange or tin of tangerine segments.
  1. Pluck or skin roadkill (as appropriate) and wash thoroughly.

  2. Roast roadkill for 15 minutes per pound and 15 minutes over.

  3. Start in hot oven, then reduce to moderate.

  4. Prick skin after first 30 minutes so the fat can run out and give a crisp outside. If the animal is bony, rub with lard or butter.

  5. Garnish with slices of orange, and serve with rice, vegetables and beer.

Tastes like chicken!

Calm down dear

For those of you who live outside the UK this is an annoying ad that is for car insurance. For those of you that do live in the UK, it's a different spin.


A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My Dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my Dad's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my Dad's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my Dad, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

Want a T-shirt?

Check out the range of offerings over at Fu-qtoo

Babes Addict

Good news to all you babe addicts, Babes Addict is back online. Links have been updated.

Finally ...

Some prison stories for you from around the world.
Sacremento - A family fights to free a brain dead prisoner
Austin - Police find a meth lab for the 3rd time in 18 months
Cork - Prisoners suing government over slopping out
Melbourne - A jail full of hanged prisoner ghosts
Yorktown - Prison life boost prisoner's IQ ehancing prosecutions case ... note to self keep acting dumb ... shouldn't be hard

Smart bird

For moose, a few tricks he could teach his parrot, McRae.

Found via uberBitch

February 07, 2005
On this day:

SMS Spam Warning

I received invites from 2 people to join sms ac today quickly followed by this earlier on today. Luckily I had the presence of mind to check with the people who these scam e-mails came from prior to clicking on anything. Please read it as you will lose money if you're not careful. In summary it involves entering your mobile to keep in contact with friends when you're away from MSN Messenger. Once you've entered your mobile you'll be sent a text at $3 Australian and 3 other messages. Of course trying to stop by sending a cancel message will cost you more and isn't guaranteed to work.

Help wanted

My co-blogger Badger (demoted from friend as you are about to find out) has been launching a rather scathing personal attack on yours truly lately. Now it started off quite good naturedly with him saying that I was in need of this piece of equipment. Fair enough, funny. His next shot at me was to send me this picture cos I'm 'spending {my} days in a lonley cell'. Funny ... very funny. He then continued with reminding me what prison life is like for a good looking (cough cough) fella like me with this picture. Hmmmm humour bypass on that one. He then has the audacity to say I have a fixation with his anus, which I've never seen of course as I haven't been out in years apart from the 2 hours exercise in the yard per day.

Next, he decides that he's going to attack my sexual activities to include playing with ginger though having read the article it did give me a couple of ideas ... ahem ... where was I? Oh yeah, next on the list of attacks came an article which was supposed to help Mrs Convict stop faking orgasms. Now personal attacks I can tolerate, but when my family is involved I start getting a little shirty but being the generous chap I am I decided I'd let him have that one. Oh how I wished I'd taken him down there and then as he continued this onslaught with a picture of me after a night of Bubba's special attention.

My fictional hamster then made an appearance, followed by my apparent porn addiction. I then escape from prison and am not to be approached except by Bubba - ok so the Bubba pic was theGoose's fault. I was then bought a pair of handcuffs by the aforementioned Bubba to go with my outfit and I wasn't allowed out of my cell without this. He went on to ask if you could imagine being Bubba's ass bitch and all this was only in January!!!!!

Now you'd think he'd take a break in February, let the dust settle and keep his head down, nope, not Badger. He starts the month with a link to a poem for me under the heading 'Do Men Really Rape Each Other In Jail'. He doesn't know that I've not been a great fan of serious poetry since I had to learn a verse of Daffodils back in school when I was about 12. Bubba then get's a new haircut and outfit and can't wait to party with me. I then, apparently, get a day pass and Bubba and I share a fond farewell but once I get out I am immediately caught practicing what I was sent down for in the first place and he has the audacity to team me up with well a certain well known perverse cowboy!!! To top it all off today he reckons he's found my personal ad.

In conclusion, I've had enough of this ... really I have. I wouldn't mind if he'd spread his attacks around his co-bloggers a bit more. Granted he has started on theGoose recently but he has suspiciously left DNA mostly unmolested and of course he hasn't even touched upon the uberBitch; probably cos he lives a little too close to her. I wouldn't have minded, nay I could may be forgive his previous transgressions, if he'd had a pop at me along with the uberBitch as he did with my day pass excursion. It should be noted that theGoose and myself have both wound up the uberBitch on several occassions. I've threatened to turn him into shaving brushes but that doesn't seem to have helped so I am starting an appeal.

I want you to mail me any links, jokes, articles, photoshopped images then I'll show the best with (or without if you're a yellow bellied cur like the Badger) credit to yourself.

Now I'm off down the medical wing to see if I can get some tranquilisers for this twitching eye.

Update: Bubba has escaped and is going Badger hunting himself. He was last seen riding away on a Harley

Monday monday

Unlike the Mamas and Papas song, Monday morning isn't all I hoped it would be. My daughter was ill enough for me to tell her that she wasn't going to school so my son decided that he was going to stage a coughing fit and, with half-lidded eyes, tried to convince me that he was too ill to go to school today. When that didn't succeed he decided that laying in the doorway so that I'd have to step over him would convince me of his suffering. All he needed was a chalk outline and some police tape across the door.

As gloomy Monday mornings are something that, at one time or another, you don't want to start the working week; what's the worst excuse you've thought up, that actually worked, to skive off work?

New wonder drug

Thanks to the Godfather ... erm I mean Dad

Open wide

Apparently semen helps depressed women. Nothing to do with the actual act of getting the semen out then? Thanks Flip

Cars ads

If only car ads really were this honest

February 04, 2005
On this day:

Bad Girl

The uberBitch had better watch out, there's a new bad girl over at The Dollhouse.

Careful Badger

My friend Badger whiles away most of his day playing his pink piccolo. Take heed though Badger or you could end up with a mutated hand

Found on Net Litter

Sites with intros

Like MacGyver over at D-Sign I usually just click the skip intro link on a page ... and I did on this one too.

I adopted today

I adopted a cute lil' mouse fetus
from Fetusmart and I'm going to see if I can grow an ear on it! Hooray fetus!

Found on Badger's site.

Ancient demons of weather ...

make snow. Had to put this up for the funny tribal dancing.

Check these out

Happy birthday to you ... shit I can't read the words
I hate blokes on Hayabusas when I'm zipping up the motorway
Just in case you're wondering how fast a Hayabusa can go
Does anyone know if he kept his job?
Now she's got no reason to complain that it's cold on her arse
Knowing my friend DNA's aversion to clowns be warned this has got clowns in it ... ok they're puppets but be warned

As I Mature ... yeah right

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that you better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of the kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Let your friends know about this ... trust me they'll appreciate it. Who knows maybe something good will happen.
If not ... tough shit.

Thanks to Marc for sending me this one.

February 03, 2005
On this day:

You suffer from ...

You suffer from Convictitis
Cause: psychological
Symptoms: mildly blotchy skin, inability to pronounce letter 'c', dolphin noises, mild warts
Cure: fire


I'm sure a lot of us would like to see the uberBitch modelling this bikini

Think of a title

A cute one for the ladies
Who says women don't get road rage?
Those were from So they call me "Cherry Pie"
All of the links below were found at Attu's
Now DNA can work out his chances with the girls from Babes of the Goose
The uberBitch has been getting fan signs recently, but this site lets you create your own.

The 50 most loathsome people in America
Some interesting photography by Carl De Keyzer
Check out the modelling (if that's the correct term) at Cody's Coop. I thought this one was computer generated.
Great resource for those wishing to play with some graphics
More great photography by Raymond Worrilow and some bizarre photography by Joel-Peter Witkin
Those that indulge have probably tried to get a pet stoned (Robin Williams skit is hilarious) but what happens when you get a spider stoned? NASA found out.

Girlfriend's revenge

Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try. She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: Boyfriend says "This taste like crap. What's it called?"

She replies "Blowjob revenge" - via

February 02, 2005
On this day:

How to make a Convict


1 part anger

1 part courage

5 parts empathy
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Top it off with a sprinkle of sadness and enjoy!

Thanks to Creamy

Take care when getting ink done

When local tattoo artist Andy Sakai was sentenced to five years in prison for inking profanities on hordes of hapless customers, many thought his days of body desecration were over.

They were wrong.

Sakai’s latest victims are no longer college students. His current targets are, ironically, his fellow inmates.

'I wanted a stack of skulls on my back,' said murderer Bubba, 'and that Asian prick gave me a giant clown' - via

New Link partner

Found this on my new link partner Phat Panda


There's no getting around it. At some point in your career, your patience will be tested with a stupid client who is so clueless that you'll question your sanity, career choice, and the future of mankind.

You may have dealt with one already, one that just stuns you like a deer in headlights. Dumbfounded to utter anything but an "uhhh…". Some clients have no concept of reality. They make up their mind, just to change it again to an even more hideous decision. And will end up blaming you for the mess. Can we honestly blame the client? Sure we can...

Clientcopia was created to give you an escape. Take joy in knowing you are not alone.

We all feel your pain... via

The next version of Windows?

Two old guys at Walmart

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Thanks to Tim for that one.

February 01, 2005
On this day:

Over at Convict's Bitches

Bruce has found another job

Our friend Bruce who can be found on his blog or at Net Litter, seems to have found another job.

If only it was this easy

For those of you who are suffering the snow at the moment, if only it were this easy to clear it.