March 31, 2005
On this day:

My favourite things

Now those of you that know the Sound of Music know the lyrics, for those that don't ...
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favourite things
Cream coloured ponnies and crisp apple streudles
Doorbells and slaybells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favourite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winter that melts into spring
These are a few of my favourite things
When the dog bites, when the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad

I hated this song until someone decided to do a version for Michael Jackson


Miss Birdparty scans the personals for the, how shall I say this, varied tastes people enjoy; strikes up a conversation with them and then posts them on her blog. Read it, it's funny and hilarious.


I dunno what this game is called but it's really fun.

Hosted by

Rude cartoons

Marc is a God for finding stuff that tickles my funny bone.

King of April Fools

Who else but Avery Ant

Apache (appalling?)

This video is so bad it's nearly good

March 30, 2005
On this day:

Image posting

It seems that imagevenue is causing some bloggers (Goose) problems. I gave up using imagevenue a while ago now cos either I couldn't upload the pics, I couldn't view the pics in a reasonable timeframe (bear in mind I'm on a 1Mb download here) or the pics were never served.

Flip posted about Putfile a while ago and I've had no problems at all with them.

News flash

The royal mint is to release a commemorative coin for the wedding of Charles and Camilla


Reckoned to be one of the most relaxing sports. The fisherman patiently waits for the fish to bite and then has the thrill of trying to land it .... usually


Are hard bastards that shouldn't be messed with. But when they're alone ...

Good news for D & D'ers

As if new recruits in the Israeli Defence Forces (IDF) didn’t have enough to worry about, they have now found that they will have less chance of getting a good job if the military discovers they play RPGs (Role Playing Games), especially Dungeons & Dragons (D&D). It was long suspected that the IDF took a dim view of recruits who admitted to playing D&D. But now the IDF has admitted that recruits who admit to this sort of thing are less likely to get a high security clearance, which bars them from many good jobs in intelligence, electronics or special operations. This is no small matter, for in Israel, nearly everyone serves in the IDF, and a good job in the military opens doors to good civilian jobs as well. The IDF has said that D&D players are "…detached from reality and susceptible to influence." The IDF elaborated with, "These people have a tendency to be influenced by external factors which could cloud their judgment. They may be detached from reality or have a weak personality - elements which lower a person's security clearance, allowing them to serve in the army, but not in sensitive positions." The IDF based its policy on university research, which concluded that RPG players were “detached from reality” to the extent that they would be poor security risks.

The IDF would not say how many recruits have been affected by this policy, or how long it has been in place. Rumors about the policy have been circulating among young Israeli D&D players for several years, and as a result, many do not admit to playing RPGs when they are interviewed by IDF screeners. The IDF admitted that it has had to resort to indirect interrogation methods in order to find out which recruits were D&D players. Many of these were then sent to see IDF psychologists.

In the United States, where RPGs were invented in the early 1970s, there have been many accusations (by religious leaders, lawyers and distraught parents looking for a reason strange behavior by their children) about the bad effects of using RPGs. There has never been any concrete evidence that RPGs do any harm. The American military encourages the use of RPG and other games by troops, both for recreation and professional training. RPG game design techniques have been used in professional wargames.

In response to the IDF revelation, one D&D player provided a Top 10 list of positive reasons for having IDF recruits who play D&D.

10. Ability to make split second decisions while simultaneously thinking about how the entire scenario will play out.

9. Axe-wielding skills.

8. Two words: Healing potion.

7. Ability to think outside the labyrinth.

6. Most Dungeon Masters are good strategists.

5. Being a 15th level magic user warrants as much respect as being a soldier in Sayeret Matkal.

4. Elf assassins are stealthy and efficient.

3. Chicks dig chainmail armor.

2. After battling enough dwarfs and mystical pygmies you learn not to underestimate your enemy.

1. Heightened ability to read people — "She may look like a Mermaid but there is definitely something nefarious about her and I've been less trustworthy of female lake dwellers since that Siren pulled a fast one on me last year back on the Netherworld."

Found at

March 29, 2005
On this day:

Hello! Hello! I'm Back Again

Did you miss me? Yeah! While I was away
Did you hang my picture on your wall?
An' did you miss me? Yeah! Ev'ry single day
Although you couldn't kiss me at all?

Well I've had a great weekend. Thanks to everyone that wished me a happy birthday, especially to the new people to the site like Sherry and vancouvergirl who popped over from Flip's who sent me a great e-card. Dan a belated congratulations on your birthday, it's a good day but I've probably got a few years on ya. Thanks to all the others who commented and I forgot to mention ... special thanks go to my producer, my parents ... God bless ya mum and dad ...

Ooops wrong speech! Get on with it and stop pratting around. On with the posts!!!


Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then
jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

You can blame or thank Marc depending on your sense of humour.

How fast can you type?

Take the test and leave your speed in the comments. I got 49 words per minute.

100 best jokes

Seems that George, Goose and Badger are all trying to outdo each other in who can tell the most crap jokes. I, on the other hand, think they should start looking at these jokes to learn a thing or two.

March 24, 2005
On this day:

The sun'll come out

tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ... it's my birthday ... hahahahaha. I'm well drunk now cos I got a list of things longer than my arse hairs to do. So this is the only post tonight. Have a great Easter everyone and don't let the Easter Bunny lay any eggs in your nest.

This indecision's bugging me

Ok, the new comment indicator has been up for a while now. Give me feedback. Should it stay or should it go now ... if it stays there will be trouble ... if it goes there will be double ... so you gotta let me know ... should it stay or should it go?

March 23, 2005
On this day:

Kids again

  1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

  2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

    "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

  3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

    The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

  4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

    "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

  5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

    One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

  6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

    I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

  7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered . Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

  8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"

    The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

  9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

  10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
    The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

  11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."

But I don't like Star Trek

You Are Incredibly Logical

(You got 75% of the questions right)

Move over Spock - you're the new master of logic
You think rationally, clearly, and quickly.
A seasoned problem solver, your mind is like a computer!

Rich kids

Well to be more precise, their parents would have to be to buy these.

Thanks to Marc

Engineering take ten

Now Goose, this is how to make engineering interesting.

Proper Engineering

Caught my son swearing

so I had to wash his mouth out with soap

March 22, 2005
On this day:


Found at GadgetMadness

The posse

DNA (seeing as I cheered him up a couple of days ago I suppose I better enrage him to keep the balance of the world in order) is always going on about how he spends his weekend performing various perverse, and illegal in most states, acts on unsuspecting hotties. Well a source has leaked a picture of the DNA posse as they are now known.

Dunno where this comes from

but I would like to credit the writer.

He wants YOU to pay £10k to fight case

By Phil Nettleton

A COCAINE smuggler is suing his prison for £50,000 - because he claims his mattress is uncomfortable.

And cheeky Desrick Hutchinson, 29, is applying for up to £10,000 of taxpayers' cash to fund the barmy case.

Disabled Hutchinson - serving 11 years for smuggling cocaine into Heathrow in his wheelchair - says prison bosses breached his human rights by not providing him with a special £2,000 mattress. In a High Court writ he says he needs it because he can't use his legs, has trouble sleeping because of pressure sores and feels suicidal.

A prison source said: "This is unbelievable and the sad thing is he could actually win the case. Prison staff do not believe he is unwell enough to justify a disabled mattress. It's scandalous prisoners are allowed to make these claims."

Jamaican Hutchinson, jailed in April 2003, is suing Stuart Mitson, director of Rye Hill jail, Warwicks.

His claim comes as it is revealed prisoners cream off millions because the Home Office settles cases out of court rather than contest them.

Lags have even claimed for breakfast being late and a watch lost in the post. Conman Karl Jones got £250,000 saying a fall left him impotent. He later had a daughter.


Signs that were actually seen.

In a rest room:

In a Laundromat:

In a London department store:

In an office:

In an office:

Outside a secondhand shop:

Notice in health food shop window:

Spotted in a safari park:

Seen during a conference:

Notice in a farmer's field:

Message on a leaflet:

On a repair shop door:

Again, what would I do without Marc? He really should post you know.

Chav jokes

  1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
  2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
  3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
  4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.
  5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
  6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
  7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
  8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
  9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"
  10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.
  11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police
  12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.
  13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please
  14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
  15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A
  16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4
  17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
  18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything.
  19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
  20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."
  21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash
  22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
  23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
  24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
  25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society.

Thanks Marc

Bar lanuage translated

No, really, I’m OK to drive.”
–I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

“I’m not used to these darts.”
–I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

“You get this one, next round is on me.”
–We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
–Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.”
–You stuck up little —–, too good for your old friends??

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
–I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

“Lets get out of here.”
–I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

“Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
–If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)
–You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

“I don’t feel well, lets go home.” (male)
–I’m horny.

“I’ve had like 10 beers already.”
–I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

“Who’s got the next round?”
–I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

“Excuse Me.” (male to male)
–Get the f— out of the way.

Found at

March 21, 2005
On this day:


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble ," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.

A few stories

about nightmare customers. You might want to make sure you're not eating when you're reading these.

PMS definitions

  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Psychotic Mood Shift
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid-Section
  5. People Make me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface
  9. Pass My Sweatpants
  10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
  11. Plainly; Men Suck
  12. Pack My Stuff
  13. Potential Murder Suspect

Celebrity fight club

You can choose from 4 celebs to smash 10 barrels out of in Celebrity fight club

Sexual Record

Sounds more like Badger's result
Sexual Record You're Most Likely to Break:
Longest Semen Ejaculation
Maybe you've been a big backed up of late...
Or maybe you're just a powerful shooter
Either way, you're set to break the 19 foot ejaculation world record

What Sexual Record Will You Break?

March 18, 2005
On this day:

Tiger Woods

has moved back to Number 1. But what are Phil Mickelson and the other bloke up to in the second picture?

This should be interesting

  1. Grab the nearest book.
  2. Open the book to page 123.
  3. Find the fifth sentence.
  4. Post the next 3 sentences, the book and the author on your blog along with these instructions.
  5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book! I know you're thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

Then: "Restricted: confined, kept within certain set limits, as information in a given document or q-disc; limited to those authorized to use that information; those authorized announce themselves by giving the password." Another pause to think then Andy said, "Yes, Eddie. That info's restricted."

Wolves of the Calla - Stephen King


Badger's getting desperate

Highway of life

Convict Highway
Tower of Commitment7
Study Hall12
Bog of Eternal Marriage148
Please Drive Carefully
Where are you on the highway of life?

Think about it before you answer

What would you do if you never had to worry about money? How would you
fill your day? Would you continue to work for money or do charity work?


Nebbo had been designed from the cock backwards. He had this horrendously obnoxious piece of flesh between his leg which had a single eye view of his knee. From behind his cock, the rest of his body was calamitous. He was hairy in stripes, with a nose almost hiding his top lip, half-globe eyes and zig-zag, shoulder length hair.

Ruksak sure can write. Take the time to read as much as you can, you won't be disappointed.

Dog and Doug

One I think Flip and anyone else with dogs and/or kids will enjoy


Aaaarrr, this site is dedicated to pirates, no Badger I said pirates, sheesh. It includes short pirate stories and really bad pirate jokes that would even make George cringe.

What chemical element are you?

Si... Silicon
You scored 42 Mass, 29 Electronegativity, 34 Metal, and 10 Radioactivity!

Interesting. Take a bunch of really common person-elements and throw
them together to get something truely exceptional... that's you. You
are probably someone that gave up on trying to understand society at
large a long time ago. You don't fear it, but you don't try to be one
with it either. You are more or less unperturbed by things... if a
problem comes up you might deal with it, or you might avoid it...
whatever. You don't take kindly to people pushing you around, and you
don't really push anyone else around. You're probably the only one that
can tame oxygen simply because you don't understand it's raging
neediness, but that doesn't mean that you'll really enjoy having a tame
oxygen hanging around all that much either. You can probably get along
with people like yourself really well, but you aren't your own
soulmate... if only they could make entire colonies of people like you
you'd be stoked. Just like you don't understand society, society
doesn't understand you... and yes that is my excuse for not knowing how
to describe you better.

How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 42% on Mass
You scored higher than 37% on Electroneg
You scored higher than 5% on Metal
You scored higher than 37% on Radioactivity
Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test

Great idea

Over at Burnt Ends Doug has asked which are the Greatest American Rock Band. He's listed bands in pairs and you get to decide who gets through to the next round by giving your vote. Sort of a Fantasy Band Idol.

I like this

Found via

March 17, 2005
On this day:

My mate Dan

will be happy to see this, the trailer for Revenge of the Sith the last (or third) in the Star Wars saga. Thanks to the uberBitch for finding that one.


What process does a sitcom go through before it reaches air? If you'd like to know pop over to Why Television Sucks to find out. It's A chronicle of the myriad awful choices Network executives make that enable them to grind up and spit out mediocre, craptastic sit-coms at the American public. As seen through the eyes of an Emmy-winning sit-com writer.

Like the Sims?

Well, Will Wright has given a sneak preview of Maxis new game called Spore an emergent and beautiful simulation game that ranges from the cellular level all the way to the galactic level. My daughter will be drooling as soon as she finds out.

You know those demands for bills

that you've already paid and how annoying and frustrating it is? Especially when attorneys (lawyers for us UK'ers) are mentioned. Well groovebunny wrote one response that had me grinning.

How much!!!

Hosted by

Is this

an early picture of DNA

Following on

from my dog post yesterday, here's a cute kitten for you.

March 16, 2005
On this day:


Don't get me wrong, I do like dogs ... of the canine kind, not the kind that you find down at your local (for the non-Brits, the bar you frequent) who always seem to be there at closing time, hoping that someone will take them home and give them a good ... yes, dogs. I like them. Not had one cos they're too much work, until I found this dog which is really easy to look after.

Found at Greg's World

you'll be f**king fat girls in no time

He didn't take it very well when I didn't hand it over so he blurted out "Give it to me!".

Me- "I don't think so"
Brat- "Do it or else"
Me- "What are you going to do? tell on me?"
Brat- "Yes"

I just love this guy's style. I'm a parent and I not sure if Matt is as well but I totally agree with him on this one. Well written, hope he puts more up like it.

Cute kittens

Cos I know, deep down inside, Mrs Convict and the uberBitch just loves a cute pussy.

My big ball

One man's story on how he became addicted to Super Monkey Ball to the extent that he locks himself inside a giant ball. Kinda like a hamster, but not as cute.

Great viral from Sega

Great site

Christ, this job in the city was dragging me down - I seemed to have surrendered whole chunks of my life to a parade of pointless paperwork. As each day went by I felt that I was sinking ever deeper into a morass of mediocrity.

From The University of the Bleeding Obvious, a site which has got me hooked.

One for

Badger, specialising in relationships. I can hear him explode, though not in the usual sense, from here.

Blog design

If you're looking to start your own blog and are looking for tips on templates and designs. Even if you're a seasoned blogger and you're looking for something new, pop over to Susie's Design Blog.

Found at BlogExplosion

March 15, 2005
On this day:

New site

You should all be aware that Creamy has a new site called the PeePlog

Bamboo bicycle

Yep, that's right, a bicycle that has a frame that is mainly bamboo

bamboo bicycle

Just been looking at my stats

and quite high up the refering pages is this site, Javede's Stash ... not quite what you think it is ...


Hosted by

Hosted by

Hosted by

Hosted by

Hosted by


do amazing work rescuing animals ... but this is going a bit far

Lights, camera, action

Ever fancied yourself as a movie director? With this game you can generate your own plots.


Following on from the uberBitch about speeding up Firefox, The Presurfer posted about various things you can do with Firefox.

Which search engine

Ok, you know what you want to find, but which search engine is the one to use? Useful link found at The Presurfer.

Another one ...

for Badger, he's getting a lot of mentions today isn't he, BJ Services Company.

Found at Blogywood

Now I understand

Why my cat is such a vicious monster at times ... she must be nursing one monster hangover!

Who would win?

In a fair fight ... mano a mano ... mammal against fowl ... Badger or Goose?

Well you can find out over at GoogleBattle enter 2 words and the most popular one wins.

Pen Island

Yes, there really is a Pen Island and the website url is I understand that Badger is enquiring about residency.

Buzz Bunny

He's not f***ing Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny is a motherf***ing c***sucker. This bunny is certainly f***ing extreme.

Found at

March 14, 2005
On this day:

Apologies ...

for not posting on Friday as per usual, but I received a load of pictures on my phone all day and when I got home I found Mrs Convict dressed like this.

You can guess what stopped me posting after that ;o)

Design faults

I actually found AskTog while researching material at work. I work as a computer programmer for those that don't know, but it was when I read this that I realised it's not just computer users that have suffered from poor design.

November 4, 2004: Air Force pilot, Maj. Roberto Balzano, his F-16 jet fighter lined up on the training school below, squeezed the trigger, strafing the facility with 27 rounds of 20mm ammunition, sending 8 of the deadly 2-inch slugs crashing through the roof to wreak havoc within.

Another terrorist training camp wiped from the face of the earth? Not exactly. The target he struck was the Little Egg Harbor Township Intermediate School in New Jersey.


The only reason no one was killed was that the pilot's night time training mission took place while the kids were home, tucked into bed.

Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt" you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

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The fine seems to be a bit over the top don't you think?


How do you know when you're in a military family?
When your 12 year old nephew draws an imaginary weapon and clears the hallway on the way to going to bed.

Is a site I found the other day via Blog Explosion. I like the writing style and I'm pretty sure that DNA would like her attitude. Check out Girlpunch.

Update: links now work

G-Mail invites

Okey dokey, I have 2 accounts at G-Mail that I'm currently using and both have 50 invites. This means that I have 100 G-Mail invites that I can dole out to anyone that wants one. To receive an invite click this link. I will update the total number of invites left as they're used up.

Current number of invites left: 92

Oh yeah, this post will stay at the top until all invites are used and then it'll be deleted. So if you want to know what's been posted keep scrolling.

Update: As I can't seem to get rid of these invites (the number keeps going back up!!!) I've added a permanent link under the info bar

March 10, 2005
On this day:

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Not a lot of posts

tonight cos Mrs Convict has been sending me naughty pics of herself all day and now she's giving me the come to bed eyes ... Byeeeeeeeeeee .... mwuhahahaha


for what to cook tonight? Why not have a look at Recipies for some ideas?

Dragon fist 2

In Dragon fist 2 you have the option of fighting against the computer or 2 players. You're able to do combo moves and each character has a unique move.

March 09, 2005
On this day:

One Cowboy ...

who I think would enjoy a bullet bra might be DNA.


While trawling through the blogs at Blog Explosion, recommended by Creamy I came across this hilarious view on the collapse of the Eurovision song contest. He even manages to have a pop at Arsenal at the same time.

You may be an extreme redneck if ...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this"

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the "Star spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Found at Its all about me

Rubber bands ...

are evil from TTR2

Take a barely dressed hottie ...

put her in a skimpy bikini (no not the uberBitch .... yet) in a department store and get her to ask for help from random guys. Oh yeah, secretly video them to see what they do.

When the kids ..

were younger we got to calling specific foods by different names. We would have cheesy worms (spaghetti bolognese) followed by a pud with yellow pudding wet (custard) or we would have trees (broccoli) with a roast dinner. Our friend's visiting at the moment and her daughter calls crumpets rounds. When I was at school we had frog spawn (tapioca), so it got me thinking ...

What childhood names did you have for food?

March 08, 2005
On this day:

Colouring book

I'm wondering if Badger's real name's Billy ...

What do you think?

Just to let you know, all of today's posts were not sourced by me. A good friend of mine, yes I do have friends not just cell mates, Marc sent me all of these via e-mail over the last 2 days. I've already asked him if he would join me in posting to the blog, especially after the trouble I found myself in yesterday.

Should Marc post? Leave your answers in the comments.

Driving Test Question

You are driving along a two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles or do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice? Why take unnecessary risks ...

You what?

For those who don't know, Countdown is a popular word and numbers game put on about the same time as your average pickpocket gets home from school. My kids love it, but I don't think they've seen this episode (NSFW)

I wonder if this has happened yet

Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please

Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.

Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?

Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same , Cancer scare

Customer: Hamburger Relish?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Sausage and Mash?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Cottage Pie?

Shopkeeper: Yes ... no wait, Cancer scare.

Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?

Shopkeeper: Yes

Customer: (sigh) Just give me 20 Bensons then.

Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please.

Customer: Thanks !!

For those who haven't heard this is happening in the U.S. and Europe

What ...

is this guy's do you think?

Airtraffic control conversations

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Sayings heard on planes

"Please refrain from smoking in the cabin. If we catch you smoking, we will charge you $4000. If you had that kind of money, you would not be flying Southwest!"

Back in October, flying from Chicago to New Orleans on United, I heard the stewardess say these things as we landed: "Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate." and "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sometimes shift happens."

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

March 07, 2005
On this day:


Who's got the biggest Adriana Lima, Beyonce Knowles galleries on the net? Who's got massive galleries of celebs that are getting bigger and bigger every day? have, that's who. Here's a few taster pictures of Adrianna Lima and Beyonce Knowles to whet you're appetites. Aaah to be locked up in solitary with these two for a couple of days ....

New top list

For those of you that have more adult oriented blogs ... ok .. porn blogs or sites, you could probably do with getting on a top list where the more clicks into the list, the more clicks you get back. Well my good friend Flip has just started one such top list.

Top list for non-porn sites. Adult content like this site will be allowed with some nudity. Flip will moderate this to his discretion.
Top list for porn sites or sites with nudity.

If you want more info then have a look at this post.

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Dropping your load

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again, she jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs backto the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Commonly Confused Words

I took this test and my results were:

Advanced - You scored 86% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 87% Advanced, and 72% Expert!

You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.

Pimp my ride 2

Badger has had his ride pimped. "I'm so happy with the result. My favourite change was the layout of the boot" the furtive felcher was heard to enthuse.

Pimp my ride

Seems that the latest person to have their ride pimped by Xzibit and West Coast Customs isn't exactly thrilled with the end result

March 06, 2005
On this day:

Uberbitch has moved.

That naughty nymphette the uberBitch has moved. Make sure you update your bookmarks to point to If you haven't been to the uberBitch's site then get over there right now and see what the sex kitten has (or in most recent days, hasn't) got on.


March 05, 2005
On this day:

After travelling ...

into the future in my souped up DeLorean I met up with the uberBitch and Adam ... oh yes and their lovely baby.

I am soooooooo dead, I know it, I really do. It was the voices ... they told me to do it honest!!!!

Got an iPod?

So you went out and got yourself an iPod, yeah? Want something Chavvie to put it in? Try a Louis Vitton, yes, that's a Louis Vitton, cover for it. WTF!!!!

I've found

the UK equivalent of an enraged Badger. I must admit I was disgusted when I heard this on the news.

And this post is how urban myths are exploded.

Tip for the guys

When putting your cock away after having a slash, take care not to let the elastic on your underwear slap back on the tip; effectively trapping your own appendage onto your body with the pressure of a 10 ton weight balanced on a ball point pen!

Formula one

As the Formula One championship gets under way in Melbourne at some ungodly hour in the morning for most of us in Europe tomorrow; I know that DNA and also my sister-in-law (who was most aggrieved when she found out that she'd organised her wedding day on one of the race dates) will be on the edge of their seats. Now F1, as the oficionados call it, is a highly expensive motorsport to get into especially for the likes of DNA. There is an alternative which is much cheaper and more accessible to the common man/woman. With all the thrills, tactics and action of a standard F1 championship but without the crippling expenditure. You too can partake in the slot car racing championships.

Social Security Calendar

For those of you living under the Bush regime, check out how your Social Security is going to change

March 04, 2005
On this day:


to my home page. I kiss you!!! One lonely heart looking for love on the internet.

Thanks Tim

New link partners

AllDumb who take the dumbest, coolest, craziest things on the net and make a list of them every day.
CollegeHumor for pictures, videos, games and jokes.
Neonbubble photoshopped pics, jokes and some php scripts.
Web Nymph a constantly updating list of top picks from loads of blogs
Blogywood, your daily eye on the web
The Presurfer, your daily dose of diversion, because you're worth it

Thank you for shopping @Wal-Mart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

Thanks Shane

It's Friday!!!!!

Yippee, it's the last day of the week for me. I wish this is how I could spend the day like in this cartoon. Thanks to Flip for that one. BTW you should pop over to Flip's and wish him luck today if you haven't already.

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