October 31, 2005
On this day:

Sobriety Test

An Brown County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Watch Me Change

Gap's latest viral is based on creating a virtual you and create an outfit from those available; the bonus is you can then watch yourself get changed.

Project Looking Glass

What if your desktop were actually a 3D environment? What if your CD or movie database becomes a 3D jukebox? Project Looking Glass is based on Java technology and explores bringing a richer user experience to the desktop and applications via 3D windowing and visualization capabilities. Interested? Please check out the screenshots and the demo movie clip. Also, don't forget to visit our opensource web site!

Take a look at the Project Looking Glass Gallery

Is there a terrorist on the plane?

Terrorist Car Parking

Web site names

Occassionally you get someone who would like to register their own domain. With the best intentions they potter off and register their domain name, quite innocently, without realising just how rude they really are.






Avian Flu

Also known as Bird Flu is getting closer; it's reached Paris

October 26, 2005
On this day:

Renault F1 V10 Engine

If, like DNA you love Formula One and are suffering from withdrawal symptoms, can I suggest that you pop over to the Renault F1 Team site where you can listen to their V10 Engine. Just so you don't have to suffer cold turkey.


Yes I said flips, and they're both done by one man, Travis Pastranan, on a motorbike.

Travis Pastrana double backflip


Toilet Catch

What have

Boneis Eruptus
Cheese-eating Surrender Monkeys

Got in common? Nope, they're not some of Goose's dubious word definitions. If you guessed then you need a life or you are my kids. If you didn't guess then you can find out here

Divine Interventions

Do you or your loved one fancy a new toy for christmas? Want to get something intimate for that special person in your life? Then you need to visit Divine Interventions - home of the Baby Jesus butt plug

October 24, 2005
On this day:


If you've got an opinion on world events or would like to hear one, why not pop over to Opinionated Voice?

How old am I?

Sounds simple enough, upload a pic of your mugshot and other people get to guess how old you are. While you're there you can guess the age of the pictures others have uploaded and even win prizes.

How Old Am I?

Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road.

Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."

He repeated the rape allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency.

His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.

Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness."

Erection problems

Dave walks into a pub and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks him why he's looking so down.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out but got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replied Dave with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she's said yes."

"That's great!" Says Dave, "when are you going out?"

"Well, I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible," says Dave.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her bell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened?" asks Dave.

Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

Working too hard?

If you're like the guy in this video then you may be working too hard




I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her ".....And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."

How much is your blog worth?

My blog is worth $31,614.24.
How much is your blog worth?

Quite respectable, methinks. Another site that you can check is Blogshares which values this site at B$22,028.45 today.

October 21, 2005
On this day:

Sadam Hussain's trial

Started yesterday with the delusional former despot starting as he means to go on by saying:

"I preserve my constitutional rights as the president of Iraq. I do not recognise the body that has authorised you and I don't recognise this aggression.

"What is based on injustice is unjust ... I do not respond to this so-called court, with all due respect."

Saddam Hussain does his best Tommy Cooper impression in an attempt to bolster his plea for insanity

Things to ponder

Filched from eyerocker

Theeeeey're baaaaaaack

4allfun is back so get your eyeballs over and have a laugh


More commonly known as Pi.

A histroy of Pi starting from Biblical references through to arguments in American Senates.

Another brief history by Ask Dr Math.

An educational video about Pi.

Sci-Fi and Fantasy

This article explains the rise in popularity of Sci-Fi and Fantasy.

Is this the best divorce letter ever?

Dear Jane,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Jane." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an bottom that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Jane? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I've tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Oh Jane, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Jane, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole butt thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Jane. In your heart you must know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the remote is?

Loving Bill

Interesting Trivia

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry .... please warn the Pope!!

October 17, 2005
On this day:

Kate Moss

Kate Moss, cocaine and a hidden video camera. Apart from the fact it's an 8Mb download I'll say no more.


This was me leaving work Friday

Compare it to me going to work Monday

It's just a jump to the left

And then a step to the right
Put your hands on your hips
And bring knees in time
But it's the pelvis thrust
That really drives you insane

Let's do the Timewarp again
Let's do the Timewarp again

The Rocky Horror Picture Show re-enacted by those lunatic bunnies in 30 seconds

In memory of Ronnie Barker

This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. It must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds.

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.


I can't believe that the Americans are selling a wheelchair called a Spazz

Avian Flu

I have been following the progress of the news reports on Avian Flu, or H5N1 as it is scientifically known, for about a month or so now. For those of you that don't know, Avian Flu is an influenza virus which occurs naturally in wild birds and is very contagious amongst livestock poultry such as chickens and turkeys. The first cases of Avian Flu affecting poultry were reported in China, with the first human death recorded in Hong Kong in 1997.

Current reports suggest that bird flu would probably kill about 50,000 people in the UK and a death toll of 750,000 was "not impossible". To prevent this occuring, the UK is stockpiling 2.5 million doses of anti-viral drugs and may also restrict travel. Basically, everyone is running around like the proverbial headless chicken thinking that this is going to be the worst threat to world health since the outbreak of the SARS virus.

Up to 10 October 2005 there have been 117 reported cases of Avian Flu in humans, of these 60 have died. Of these cases the large majority have been cases where the persons infected have been working with poultry as the virus is typically spread to humans by inhalation of the dried birds' faeces. So far the spread of the virus from human to human has been rare and in those cases spread has not been beyond one human.

I am amazed at the amount of sensationalistic journalism has been allowed to take over this subject, which on the basis of facts doesn't seem to be the global killer that everyone in the press is making it to be. I mean, take a look at the size of South East Asia. Pretty big isn't it? It's also very highly populated and relies heavily on poultry farming to provide a large portion of its food. Although the virus is extremely aggressive when contracted by humans, symptoms are flu like leading to primary viral pneumonia and multi-organ failure, even the World Health Organization have stated that it would have to be given several opportunities to mutate into a form which would be highly infectious to humans and spread easily from person to person.

Should be panicking over the "perceived threat" of this "potential pandemic"? I for one will not. Every year I hear of another "killer influenza virus" which is coming out of China or Russia or any other South East Asian country and, although I know of the past pandemics that have decimated whole communities, nothing seems to come of it. The last pandemic in Britain was an outbreak of the Hong Kong strain in 1968 which infected 8% of the population and caused 40,000 deaths; why, because there was no vaccine.

If you are one of those that is panicking over this new virus I will leave you with a comforting thought ... there is no vaccine for this particular virus ... sleep tight.

October 13, 2005
On this day:

Not Politically Correct

First the blacks got a free swimming pool and now the Pakis have got free sky.

I went to a Muslim birthday party last night. Fuck me that was the fastest game of pass the parcel I've ever seen.


Contains a lot of nudity but stunning photographs all the same at Lord Fitzwilly

Lord Fitzwilly

Yoinked from Badger

Beer Prayer

Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager

Pinched from TTR2 Blog


Following another tornado that hit Birmingham (UK, not Alabama) I thought I'd post some pics of proper tornados as a reminder of what they've got to look forward to if global warming continues. BTW, for those of you that live in Tornado Alley, the UK has more tornados per year than you do ... just ours aren't as destructive.

Tornado 1
Tornado 2
Tornado 3
Tornado 4
Tornado 5
Tornado 6
Tornado 7
Tornado 8
Tornado 9

One liners

Ok, so maybe some of them are a bit longer what the hey.

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'Try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog'. She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the shit out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'What's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say's 'That looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty? It's just the tip of the iceberg!'

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'Do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse!'

October 10, 2005
On this day:

Staying Alive

Careful when you're flirting at the lights ladies.



An homage to the hunk (urgh, spew, cough) that is David Hasselhoff

Harry Hoffer
Log Hoff
Crazy Hoff
Hoff J Simpson
Hoffee apples
The Hoffpital
Hoff Solo
Desperate Hoffwives
Hoffy the vampire slayer
Michael Jackhoff
The Hoffice
Revenge of the Hoff
The Hoffbournes
The Wizard of Hoff
If only it was this easy to switch him Hoff

Remember the bloke

who came up with Neuticals, the testicle replacement for neutered dogs? He managed to get a Nobel Prize ... well, ok ... an Ig Nobel Prize ... along with the bloke who studied the fluid dynamics of penguin poo???

An old joke

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapping the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

October 04, 2005
On this day:

Things to make you go ...


How to pull a wheelie ... not

Maybe he should've waited til he finished the race before pulling a celebratory wheelie


So our feathered friend Goose has managed to come a right cropper with blogger; to the extent where he has defined a new word.

bloggered blog gerd : the art of being fisted/shafted by incompetent arseholes.

So in deperation, not that it's an unusual state for him, he has had to migrate to http://www.thegoose.org.uk/ for his blog site and http://www.babesthegoose.org.uk/ for Babes@theGoose.

In other news, a new link partner can be found at 4allfun.