Bizarre toilet

Ditching by Dutch

Hmmm ... sounds like this could be something DNA would do.

When I did my taxes this year I found out that I spent over $14,000 on Dates last year. Most of that was spent on dinner and drinks in Manhattan. Now don't get me wrong, I had some very good times, some great sex, some good conversations. Hell, I even made a good friend along the way, but mainly I came away from the date feeling extremely disappointed and with a lighter wallet. Date by date it's not THAT much money but it all adds up fast!

Read more on Ditching by Dutch

Hairball cartoon

Letter from the Inland Revenue

Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and *beep* gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations

Extortionate, extortionate

Surprised that the Angry Chimp didn't think of that considering his Dalek & Borg posts; check them out if you haven't, hilarious. This one though came courtesy of TTR2's blog

Tele-petting

This could be for you if you have a penchant for chickens ... or you're in a fowl mood ... or you're a pheasant plucker's son ... ok enough puns.

Eggheads Invent Tele-Petting

Cartoon

British citizenship test

The government has published Life in the United Kingdom, a 150-page book for prospective British citizens. If you want the passport, you'll have to read the book and then answer 24 questions drawn from its contents. So let's see how well you do in the British citizenship test. I got 9 ... oops.

Bean, Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work, since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday!"

Women of Wimbledon 2005

The Secret League of Legionnaires

Sick, funny, great animations from Sick Animation and National Lampoon.com

The Secret League of Legionnaires - part 1
The Secret League of Legionnaires - part 2

Counting age

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half; you're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13; but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life. You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk!: He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you REACH 4:30; you MAKE IT to bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92!"

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

How to stay young

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them".


2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.


3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.


4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.


6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.


7. Surround yourself with what you love. Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever; your home is your refuge.


8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.


9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, even to a foreign country; but NOT to where the guilt is.


10. Tell the people you love that you love them -- at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Make up - Before and After

Juiced Advert

For those that don't know Juiced is a Need For Speed type game. In this Juiced Advert 2 boys realise that the changes they're making to the car are having an effect elsewhere.

Hell hath no fury

than a woman scorned, especially when she's just heard her dickhead dj husband on the radio.

Extremely Weird Sports

Can you tell extreme sports from extremely weird sports from the extreme fibs we made up? Find out if street luge, underwater hockey and elephant polo are real or just really big lies. Take the Extremely Weird Sports quiz.

Experimental Internet

An interesting Flash website, Teknha3D has some brilliant graphic effects.

Divorce Settlement

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Virus alerts

If you use MSN Messenger the be aware. There is a virus being spread around. Be on the lookout for a message from one of your contacts with the text:

hahaaaa you are in the weebs picture!!

Followed by a link in the format
http://www.weebsworld.com/weebspictures.php?email=your_sing_in_address

If you click the link it will download an executable to your pc. I haven't found any more info on what happens next.

Another virus is a phone virus, probably only sent around the UK. Here is the e-mail from BT.

PHONE FRAUD - WARNING FROM THE POLICE 11 MAY 2005

We have been advised of a telephone fraud currently in operation - this applies to home and work telephones, landlines and mobiles. If you receive one of these calls, upon answering the telephone you will hear a recorded message congratulating you on winning an all expenses trip to an exotic location. You will then be asked to press 9 to hear further details. If you press 9 you will be connected to a premium rate line that costs approximately £20 per minute. Even if you disconnect immediately, it will
remain connected for a minimum of 5 minutes costing around £ 100.

The final part of the call involves you being asked to key in your postcode and house number, which has other serious consequences. After a further 2 minutes you will receive a message informing you that you are not one of the lucky winners. The total bill by then will be £100.Since the calls are originating from outside the UK, BT and other telephone companies are left relatively powerless to act. The only safe solution is to HANG UP before the message prompts you to dial 9, even safer HANG UP on any unsolicited 'free offer calls'.

There is another scam operating on mobile phones as well. A missed call comes up. The number is 0709 020 3840, the last four numbers may vary, but certainly the first four will remain the same. If you call this number back you will be charged £50 per minute. People have complained about their phone bills, once they have realised the cost of the call, but apparently this is completely legal. So beware, do not call back numbers beginning with '0709'

Hooray

All I can say is about fucking time.

Driver joy as speed cameras removed

Pavement Art

Now I used to live very near to Chatham or as it is now known, the birth place of Chavs. As you walked down the High Street (pedestrianised) there would be pavement artist with chalk, sketching away to their hearts content ... and the jeers of the local yoofs. None of them, however, came anywhere close to the skill of Julian Beever



Hu uhuh he said Beever

Nude photoshoot

That got your attention didn't it?

Now when popstars or celebrities become really famous they tend to do nude photoshoots in Playboy or some other ... ahem ... artistic magazine. Well there's this band called Lady from Korea who have decided to do the same for their fans and ... well I'll let you read the rest.

For Shut

Shut and I met each other in uberBitch's chat room and it was love at first sight we hit it off right away. Anyhooo, he showed me his weiner so I thought I'd show him a weiner blog that I'd found.

You can't take it with you

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Mrs Badger

My sources have managed to find a picture of Mrs Badger ... or is it Badger?

Rocket Power

The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.

The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.

It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields. Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.

The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading "How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

Why women don't like sports

is aptly portrayed in this video ad for Fox Sports

Blaupunkt Ad

Or what your cuddly toys get up to on the parcel shelf as demonstrated in this Blaupunkt ad video

Jamster Crazy Frog Again

So, you've seen why the Jamster Crazy Frog sings like he does.

Now you can:
kill the Jamster Crazy Frog in a blender
bounce the Jamster Crazy Frog with a shotgun
blast the Jamster Crazy Frog with a shotgun as he flies past on a missile
watch the Jamster Crazy Frog get killed by a train
kill the Jamster Crazy Frog 4 different ways

To quote a well known British program "The choice is yours"

New Cars

Surely a car that DNA would appreciate is the new Corvette Convertible or the 800bhp Ferrari XXP

 

Barbies That Never Made it to the Shops

Definitions

TRAFFIC LIGHT: apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

PEOPLE: some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SELF-CONTROL: the ability to eat only one peanut.

EGOCENTRIC: a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

MAGAZINE: bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver pizza.

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Military Intelligence

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

What a week that was

I must apologies to you all, my little cell mates. You must feel like I've been ignoring you for the past week but this is not the case. I have been busy assisting a fellow felon set up their pc, then found out I had a trojan. I eventually got rid of the trojan and decided to upgrade my pc to Windows XP. Course I then had to setup the users so the little street urchins and Mrs C can get on the pc when I'm not around and not worry too much about Damage Inc visiting destruction on the poor pc. I've also had an old pc which I had allocated to the street urchins returned and had to upgrade that to use XP as well.

I then fell prey to a virus myself. The dreaded summer cold infiltrated passed my biological firewall and anti-virus defences and infectd my system with hacking cough popups and snotty nose spyware. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday flailing around in a sticky, slimy pool of phlegmy mucus coughed up by the toxic lakes filling my lungs.

I'm now feeling a bit more human, albeit as human as I can come to, so normalish service is now resumed.

New Device Gives Women Teeth Where it Matters

As long as she remembers to take it out when she gets home!!!

A rape victim once wished for teeth "where it mattered". Now a device has been designed to "bite" a rapist's penis. The patented device looks and is worn like a tampon, but it is hollow and attaches itself with tiny hooks to a man's penis during penetration.

Read more on New device gives women teeth where it matters

Pizza Delivery of the Future?

With all the information that is available to companies regarding individuals, is this the future of pizza delivery?

New Words for 2005

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman.

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colonies facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies,"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 20 times a day."

Stars in Bikinis

Jennifer Anniston, Anna Kournikova, Beyoncé Knowles, Britney Spears, Eva Longoria, Cameron Diaz, Elizabeth Hurley, Kelly Ripa, Giselle Bündchen, Kirsten Dunst, Kate Beckinsale, Paris Hilton, Salma Hayek, Keira Knightley, Lara Flynn Boyle

Not Required

Ok, I understand that there is a need to provide your pet with somewhere hygenic to do its business. Although as any owner knows, there are still times that said pet will present you a luke warm turd just where you wanted to put your foot. So in principal I totally support the PetaPotty products. However, filming a dog while using said PetaPotty is just not necessary.

155 Miles An Hour

Another reason why I prefer a motorcycle to a car.

A motorcyclist captured on film by German police racing at 155 miles per hour on a road near Berlin has set a new unofficial national record for speeding, Bild newspaper reported Monday.

Travelling more than twice the speed limit, the motorcycle rider was caught on film in a police radar trap near Bad Freienwalde outside Berlin but authorities don't know who the speeder was because motorcycles have no front license plates.

"We are not able to identify him," said Lothar Wiegand, a spokesman for the Brandenburg Transport Ministry in Potsdam.

While German motorists who break speed limits are identified by their license plates in police photos and receive their fines by mail shortly after their infractions, motorcycle riders often escape unpunished.

Found at Yahoo News

Optical Illusion

Just follow the instructions on this optical illusion

Timeline on the History of the Internet

Funny timeline on the history of the Internet

Unicycle

Everyone's seen someone on a mountain bike tearing down a steep slope, usually resulting in a highly amusing disappearance or run into a rock or tree. How many, though have seen someone stunting around on a unicycle?

Cursed

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Getting Married

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore.

Alternative Blogs

After reading Monkey's blog and seeing him do a historical blog I thought I'd have an homage to Monkey and do an alternative blog entry myself. So I present to you, Noah's Blog which was probably called I'm Sailing Away.


Friday
A strange thing happened to me today. I was out working when I heard this voice call me. "Noah" it says. I turned round, looked up, looked down, even looked between my legs like a freakin flamingo but still couldn't work out where this voice was coming from. "Noah" it says "This is God". Yeah, like I'm going to believe that one.

"Noah, The end of all flesh has come before Me. The earth is filled with violence through them. I will destroy them with the earth. I am going to visit a terrible flood upon the earth. It shall rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Mankind and most life shall be destined to destruction. To survive this you must build an ark." says He. He tells me that He's all omnipotent and all that but He don't half talk funny.

What a crappy way to end the week. After all it's Friday afternoon, I'm just 10 minutes away from finishing my shift, I'm looking forward to having a boys night out with Shem, Ham and Japeth, maybe take them to the new tavern that's just opened down the road and here comes this God bloke telling me I've got to build an ark what the fuck is an ark! I've never heard of a flood either I don't know the first thing about carpentry. Oh, and to top it off I've got to take two of each kind of animal in with me.

Still at least I haven't got to take the mother-in-law with me. Every cloud has a silver lining after all.

Edit: I found out that an ark is like a big houseboat.

Saturday (Flood Day minus 300 days)
I just received a quote for the wood, no way I'm going to be able to afford this. He's going to have to dip in His pocket if He wants it built in time for this Flood.

Sunday (F minus 299 days)
Worshipped God to day, not much else going on as I'm resting.

Monday (F minus 298 days)
He says that He's helping but I tell you, He always turns up late and He's got the most pathetic excuses. "Oh sorry but there was an accident and I had to get some Samaritan to help this bloke". Yeah right. He never makes the tea either which really gets my goat.

Edit: I swear, if He says "That bit doesn't go there." or "You don't want to do it like that." I'm going to stick a nail through each of His hands and another through His feet and leave Him there. See how He likes that! On a cross would look good.

Wednesday (F minus 100 day)
I'm not allowed to take anyone else apart from the missus, the boys and their wives. Mother-in-law is really ragging my arse cos she can't go. "You've never been good enough for my girl. Said you'd never amount to anything and you haven't. Now you go on this half-baked scheme of building this humongous boat, collecting animals in twos and if that's not an obsession then I'm Lot's wife! You do know that all the women at the W.I. are laughing at you behind your back don't you!"

I'm glad she can't come with us the mean bitch.

Tuesday (F minus 20 days)
Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I've been real busy with this ark, which is looking pretty good if I do say so myself. Things progressed quite well after I press-ganged Shem, Ham and Japeth into helping Him and me. Most of the animals are collected and coralled. Having problems with the Dodo though.

Thursday (F minus 1 day)
Everything's done.

1. Family in the ark ... check
2. All animals accounted for; two of ... check
3. All food and water stored ... check
4. Door shut ... check
5. Flood ... outstanding

Friday
I've never seen it rain so much!!! I'd say that it was raining cats and dogs if I didn't have them here on the ark. Note to self: Must keep cats and dogs separated from now on cos they tend to fight. Listening to all the people pounding on the door was not nice. Wasn't long til the sound of the rain drowned them out though.

Saturday (1 day After Flood)
Still raining.

Saturday (7 days AF)
Still raining.

Saturday (35 days AF)
Still raining. Hope it stops soon.

Friday (40 days AF)
Stopped raining. Yay me. Ark survived. Animals and humans a bit stir crazy. I'm going to send a dove out see if it can find any land.

She gave me a boner

Couples who want to share more than vows are getting the opportunity to share their bone too in a "bio jewellery" research project.

Read more

Had a bad day?

Firstly remember it's Friday and the weekend starts. So to quote DNA 'Stuff a Halibut down your pants and Get your Gun on!'.

Then the next time you have a bad day at work ... think of this guy!

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station (103.2 FM in Ft.Wayne, Indiana) which was sponsoring a worst-job experience contest.

She won.


Hi Sue:

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel-powered industrial water-heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well, until all of a sudden my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot-water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Do you understand this?

Crump! You're safa. Wana cotch down my yard? I've got one teenager and another near teenager going on thirty but I'm sure even they would struggle with these. If you need an explanation, like I most certainly did, then you can find a lexicon of teenage speak from the BBC.

Even Sith Lords

Like the ultimate Sith Lord Darth Vader fall on hard times.

Jamster Crazy Frog

Now you can find out why the Jamster Crazy Frog sings like he does.

---

Thanks to Tim for sending me that one.

What a drum kit

I know that Badger like his drummers, probably cos it reminds him of the good old days when a Badger only had to worry about getting eaten by a dinosaur. But this drummer's drum kit is outstanding.

Game

Move the mouse to bounce the ball, seems simple enough ... apart from the fact that it's viewed in 3D .... and each time the ball bounces the squares change. Poom is really tricky.

OEDILF

The Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Form is an A to Z of limericks such as these:

Though he rarely appears in the day,
You had better stay out of the way
Of the badger. His mood
Can be foul around food;
So don't badger a badger at bay.
© Chaiwallah

Areolae differ in hue
From the thing they surround—I count two.
They are sometimes revealed!
So keep your eyes peeled
For a decolletage with a view.
© Tom Strobel

Whose honk is a doorbell enhancer?
Whose gosling's a barnyard entrancer?
About whom had we said,
"Auntie, gray goose is dead"?
The answer, my friend, is the Anser.
© Carol June Hooker

Unless all your wits are quite addled,
You'll ride with your horse always saddled.
If bareback you ride,
You will surely decide
That it should have been pillows you straddled.
© geekwraith

A creature not monkey . . . not me;
Somewhat more than those chimps . . . less than we;
Just halfway between
A gorilla and teen,
Is the mythical ape-man, you see.
© jojo

Phobias

ANDROPHOBIA: Fear of men.
BAROPHOBIA: Fear of gravity.
CYCLOPHOBIA: Fear of bicycles.
DENDROPHOBIA: Fear of trees.
EREMOPHOBIA: Fear of loneliness.
FRIGOPHOBIA: Fear of cold.
GENOPHOBIA: Fear of sex.
HODOPHOBIA: Fear of road travel.
ICHTHYOPHOBIA: Fear of fish.
JAPANOPHOBIA: Fear of Japanese.
KYMOPHOBIA: Fear of waves
LILAPSOPHOBIA: Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
MELANOPHOBIA: Fear of the colour black.
NEOPHARMAPHOBIA: Fear of new drugs.
OCTOPHOBIA: Fear of the figure 8.
PELADOPHOBIA: Fear of bald people.
RHYTIPHOBIA: Fear of getting wrinkles.
SIDERODROMOPHOBIA: Fear of trains, rail-roads or train travel.
TELEPHONOPHOBIA: Fear of telephones.
URANOPHOBIA: Fear of heaven.
VENUSTRAPHOBIA: Fear of beautiful women.
WICCAPHOBIA: Fear of witches and witchcraft.
XEROPHOBIA: Fear of dryness.
ZOOPHOBIA: Fear of animals.

What do you think comprises the top ten phobias? Do you have a phobia and what is it? Leave them in the comments.

Funny pictures

Fishy fanny

There was something decidedly fishy about one female passenger arriving at Melbourne International Airport.

Customs officers found 51 live tropical fish hidden under her skirt.

While examining the 43-year-old woman's bags on Friday, officials reportedly heard "flipping noises from the vicinity of her waist".

"An examination revealed 15 plastic water-filled bags holding fish," the Australian Customs Service said in a statement.

The fish were allegedly concealed inside a purpose-built apron.

Experts have yet to establish the exact species of the fish, but if the woman had successfully brought them into Australia, they could have posed potentially serious quarantine, environmental and health risks, customs officials said.

The woman could face up to 10 years in jail and an $80,000 fine if convicted of smuggling wildlife.

How many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post the fact that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?

2 to post reasons why the light bulb burning out is the result of a government conspiracy.

4 to say "didn't we cover this a few months ago?"

43 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs"

5 to say "thank you"

1 lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

If you've read it before, don't bother flaming me

Darth Vader memoirs

It is a period of civil war. Guerrilla spaceships striking from a hidden base have won a narrow victory against our loyal Imperial forces, inflicting heavy losses in terms of casualties and, worse, the galactic peace. During the battle insurgent spies managed to steal secret plans to our ultimate weapon and the brainchild of Tarkin's dream, the DEATH STAR, an armoured space station with enough firepower to destroy an entire planet.

The whole thing has given me a massive headache.

Moff Nur has been killed, a wound in my life for which I shall never forgive the traitorous Rebel Alliance. Nur has been my closest confidant outside of my master for years, and I will feel his loss keenly. Our long conversations have always helped me clarify matters, though he was no mentor -- rather, a friend. Nur never told me what to think. He showed me how to find the answers myself.

I wish I could seek his counsel now.

The last time we spoke, right before the battle, he made a suggestion I admit I considered absurd. "You should try keeping a journal," he said.

"A journal?" I echoed. "Do you mean I should write a book?" I know, of course, that Moff Nur has been editing the manuscript of my master Darth Sidious the Emperor Palpatine, whose highly anticipated treatise on the subject of the subjugation of civilizations and the creation of powerful monsters promises to be a bestseller.

"No, no," smiled Nur. "I mean like a diary."

"Like a teenage girl?"

I know this has been going for ages but I couldn't resist it. You can read more over at The Darth Side: Memoirs of a Monster

What Wonderland Character are you?

You scored as The Cheshire Cat. Congratulations! You're the only character in Wonderland who has sense enough to bow out when the going gets rough. The Cheshire Cat 75% Alice 75% The Catapillar 56% The Red Queen 44% The Mad Hatter 13% The White Rabbit 13% Could you survive Wonderland? created with QuizFarm.com

Nice restaurant

A restaurant that is themed on toilets. The chairs are toilets as are the bowls that you eat from. You can see more pics by clicking the pic above and read more in this article all about the toilet restaurant

We'll drink together

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives the man his three pints.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Insults and other sayings

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
How can you love nature, when it did that to you?
Hey, don't you need a licence to be that ugly?
Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
Don't thank me for insulting you; it was a pleasure.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from you ass.
He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
Hey, I remember you when you only had the one stomach.
You don't sweat much for such a fat guy.
Her mouth is dirtier than a rubber toilet seat.
I bet you get bullied a lot.
I can tell that you are lying; your lips are moving.
I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
If I want shit from you, I'll squeeze your head.
If sex were fast food, you'd have and M-shaped arch over your head.
If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
She's the first in her family born without tail.
There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
You have a nasty speech impediment ... your foot.
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
You are not even beneath my contempt.
Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
I like dogs too. Let's exchange recipes.
If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Is it time for your medication or mine?

Bastard

What a coincidence

El Paso highway patrolman Allen Farby had been chasing a truck when he crashed his motorcyle on a hot June night. While his battered leg lay sprawled on the pavement, nearly amputated, a businessman named Alfred Smith chanced upon meeting him. In the nick of time, Smith applied a crude tourniquet to the wound with his tie, an act which stopped the bleeding and saved Farby's life. Five years later, a recovered Farby was on patrol when he heard on his radio about a car smashed into a tree. He answered the call and arrived at the wreck before the ambulance. The victim's leg was smashed and was bleeding from a ruptured artery. Knowing about first aid, Farby applied a tourniquet and stopped the bleeding, then pulled the man to a more comfortable position on the ground. That's when he suddenly recognized the victim: Alfred Smith, the same man who had rescued Farby just five years before. Later, Farby was to declare: "It goes to prove that one good tourniquet deserves another."

Ghost face

The Flash programmer who goes by the name of Arse, has got a cool animation where a ghostly flash face follows your mouse around the screen. There's loads of flash stuff on his site ARSE i Am to keep you busy for a while.

Hymn

Going by the handle Futureproof, the current maintainer of Hymn has onwardly developed Hymn using Java to create JHymn. This is an opensource piece of software that will actually remove the DRM (Digital Rights Management) from Apple's iTunes downloaded files. What does this mean? You can transfer the files onto another compatible, Apple uses the AAC file format, product and play it.

Some people you want to shake by the hand even though you've never met them.

What is it?

It is the roof of a passageway in Cascade Caverns, Beorne, Texas.

Game

My daughter found this one so props to her. Can you stop the kids escaping from Neverland?

Things you don't see every day

An oldie

But if you're stressed out after a hard day, the perfect stress relief is virtual bubble wrap

Imagine

You're at a party, reaaally drunk, possibly even had a few medicines that are frowned upon. You're busting for a leak, get directions to the bathroom, open the door and see this on the bathroom floor

40 years from now

What will you look like? I know what Badger will look like; Goose will look like and DNA will look like.

Convict is now incommunicado ... heehee

New investigation finds possible contraceptive for both men and women

What a snappy, high impact title that is! Main thing is that it's a non-hormonal way of stopping either of the sexes from producing the relevant bits required for the production of a carpetcrawler.

Proper information can be found here

Hello ... Customer Service

Following on from the (if anyone can find it please let me know, I'm a bloody programmer and can't find a post on my own site for Christ's sake) post, I found this blog by a real customer service desk phone operative, or whatever they're called. If you work in any form of customer service then you'll sympathise with some of the feelings that are expressed on My Worst Call of the Day. The one thing that I like about this site is that it doesn't matter what sort of day I've had, I can take a peek and see someone enjoying the same amount of suffering.

F*&*$£!" Game

This one's really tough. In H.K. Cafe you are the short order cook. Can you make a profit? I made a loss of $1200 on my first attempt!!!

Game

Bit like Pop n pop so Mrs C is definitely going to like Sobics. Click under a block to collect it, click again to place the block on the stack.

The Lee Evans Trio

If you haven't heard of him, Lee Evans is an English stand-up comedian and ex-boxer. He is renowned for his musical sketches in which his manic energy is put to best use. Enjoy this video of the Lee Evans Trio.

---

Thanks to Marc for sending this one to me.

Joke

This guy gets on an elevator to head up to his hotel room. Upon entering the elevator he notices the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen in the back. He notices as the elevator is moving up that she is checking him out. She then rips off all her clothes and throws them on the ground and yells "MAKE ME A WOMAN!", he then says "okay" and rips off his clothes and throws them at her and says "fold these".

Where all the big knobs hang out

including myself of course ... ahem .. the Large Penis Support Group. How large does a penis have to be to require its own support? How do you support a large penis? With a sling around the neck? With a custom made trolley?

Man burns penis with laptop

And now for proof that some laptops run hotter than a Badger. A 50-year old (Badger's older than that isn't he?) scientist, previously healthy, burned his penis after placing his laptop on his, err lap, for an hour. Oh, he was fully dressed in trousers and underpants, according to this letter printed in the Lancet, the UK's best-known medical journal.

More ...