Posts from the cell
June 26, 2007
On this day:
Ask a stupid question
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch ... why else would I buy dog food??
Travelling in the UK
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling"-the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"-he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
Travelling in the UK - Advice for Americans
Labels: travelling advice for americans
Star Wars Parodie
June 25, 2007
On this day:
New feature from Microsoft
Things not to say during sex
1- Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
2- On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
3- Got any penicillin?
4- When is this supposed to feel good?
5- You're good enough to do this for a living.
6- Is that blood on the headboard?
7- But everybody looks funny naked.
8- How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
9- Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10- Is that you I can smell?
11- Have you ever considered liposuction?
12- I really hate people who actually think sex means something.
13- But my cat always sleeps on the pillow!
14- And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
15- I was so horny tonight I would have taken anything home.
16- You'll still vote for me, won't you?
17- You look younger than you feel.
18- Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
19- KY Jelly or no KY Jelly, I said NO !!
20- Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
21- This would be more fun with some more people.
22- Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
23- It's nice being in bed with something you don't need to inflate!!
24- Did I mention the video camera?
25- My old partner used to do it a LOT longer!
26- And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend!
27- Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober.....
28- I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29- They're not biscuit crumbs, it's only a rash.
Labels: Mrs SID's excuse list
June 21, 2007
On this day:
Graffiti on girls
Quite bizarre but you get to see tits and bits.
Labels: graffiti girls
I wonder why
European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso has urged Britain not to hold a referendum on any new treaty agreed at this week's EU summit.
He said it was up to the British people but he could not see why the country which exported democracy to the world would not respect its own Parliament.
Lies about WMD in Iraq
National identity cards
Obsessions with databases collecting information on anything and everything
Ignoring the people that elected them
June 20, 2007
On this day:
Been to Manchester today, Salford Quays, and I'm knackered so I'll post something a bit more interesting tomorrow.
June 19, 2007
On this day:
Labels: Caption This
A website where women can raise cash for breast implants using personal photos is unsafe and degrading, say UK cosmetic surgeons.
The implants are paid for by male "benefactors" who, for a fee, can access the women's personal profiles, pictures and contact details.
Myfreeimplants claims any woman over 18 is eligible to join for surgery.
The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (BAAPS) says this is frightening and potentially dangerous.
Wrong or right, what makes me laugh is that the acronym for The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons is a slang term for boobs.
Marriage guidance by kids
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY???
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
June 14, 2007
On this day:
Britain's got talent
Damon Scott and Bubbles
Victoria and her grinder
Caroline - why she got though I've no idea
Labels: Britain's got talent
- One banana has 16% of the fibre, 15% of the vitamin C, and 11% of the potassium we need every day.
- They are 75% water.
- Many cultures see bananas as a “cooling” fruit. In Thailand, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
- Bananas are harvested every day of the year.
- While opinion varies as to the optimum amount to eat per day, at least one is recommended as they contain all the 8 amino-acids our body cannot produce itself.
- The banana plant is not a tree, but a giant plant of the same family as lilies, orchids and palms.
- They are the world’s most exported food – around 48,000 of them can be stuffed into each shipping container, bound for vessels that can typically transport 8,000 containers at a time.
- According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death from strokes by as much as 40%.
- Banana milkshake, sweetened with honey, is one of the quickest ways to cure a hangover.
- There are about 400 varieties.
Labels: banana facts
June 13, 2007
On this day:
Hot 100 List
June 12, 2007
On this day:
Trust the bloody government to require a law to allow women to breast feed in public. If you are hungry you eat. If a baby's hungry its mum should feed it. The fact that she has chosen the natural method to feed her child which has good enough for several million years and you may feel uncomfortable about it is your fucking fault you shithead.
A word of warning though, and I'm thinking of Maidy here. Make sure you don't breast feed too long or you end up with nipples like this.
Relgion by kids
Can you imagine yourself to be the person that is sitting at their desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain your composure!
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. The have not been re-touched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUN JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT IVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Barnsley is addicted to botox
That explains why Piggy and Tazzy are on cam infrequently.
Body-changing beauty treatments used to be just for the rich and famous like Lulu and Sharon Osbourne - but not anymore.
More and more women - from all walks of life - are saving up for anti-wrinkle procedures like Botox.
And it is not just occurring in the fashionable suburbs of our major cities, it is happening in Barnsley.
Read more or watch a BBC news clip
Labels: preserved pork
A blonde's year review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... Helllloooo!!! ... Bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breaststroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm ... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C" ... isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's ... they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ... "Duh" ... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
Labels: blonde joke
June 11, 2007
On this day:
SID's new job
SID applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
"Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" SID says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said SID.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
SID stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire SID, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
SID stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
SID leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"
Labels: SID can count
Apple are busy
Along with the new iPhone, Apple have been working on a new version of Leopard, their OS for Macs, and now have released details of a new Beta version of Safari which they say is the fastest, easiest-to-use web browser in the World and is up 2 times faster than Internet Explorer.
However, I can't think that the days of the iPhone could be numbered now that Taiwanese company HTC have launched their own touch screen phone called Touch.
Having a fantastic holiday
A voice of reason
Finally, a political leader who has the bollocks to stand up and say enough; Czech President Vaclav Klaus.
The – so called – climate change and especially man-made climate change has become one of the most dangerous arguments aimed at distorting human efforts and public policies in the whole world.
My ambition is not to bring additional arguments to the scientific climatological debate about this phenomenon. I am convinced, however, that up to now this scientific debate has not been deep and serious enough and has not provided sufficient basis for the policymakers’ reaction. What I am really concerned about is the way the environmental topics have been misused by certain political pressure groups to attack fundamental principles underlying free society. It becomes evident that while discussing climate we are not witnessing a clash of views about the environment but a clash of views about human freedom.
As someone who lived under communism for most of my life I feel obliged to say that the biggest threat to freedom, democracy, the market economy and prosperity at the beginning of the 21st century is not communism or its various softer variants. Communism was replaced by the threat of ambitious environmentalism. This ideology preaches earth and nature and under the slogans of their protection – similarly to the old Marxists – wants to replace the free and spontaneous evolution of mankind by a sort of central (now global) planning of the whole world.
Read more on Melanie Phillips' Diary
Another different type of police
There was me thinking you only had to stop for a uniformed officer. How long after this change before people start getting car jacked by criminals in VOSA uniforms?
Motorists face being clamped and fined at the roadside by an army of uniformed Government inspectors, it has emerged.
Drivers whose vehicles are judged unroadworthy, have overly tinted windows, lack a valid tax disc or MoT will be subject to being pulled over by examiners from the Vehicle Operator and Services Agency, if new proposals are accepted.
It is planned to give the 560 VOSA inspectors - who wear black uniforms, peaked hats and yellow jackets - powers previously held only by the police to issue fixed penalty fines.
And their workload, which currently focuses on commercial vehicles, will extend to private motorists.
Under the proposals, if they find that a car has already been banned from the road - or believe the driver is likely to ignore the fixed penalty fine - they will have powers to immobilise the vehicle.
As if the government aren't controlling people enough already; now charities and other NGO's (non-Government Organisations) are getting in on the act in trying to restrict people from living.
Psychological assessments should become part of the UK driving test, a road safety expert has urged.
Robert Gifford, director of a road safety charity, told BBC Radio Five Live the current system failed to root out drivers prone to breaking rules.
He said psychometric tests could help to identify people with the wrong attitude to the road.