Win a great prize

For your chance to win a 42 inch plasma widescreen (box), just name the artist and the track. The winner is responsible for postage and packing of 20 GBP.

1. Come here little girl if you wanna see
   Peter pan's magic flight on lsd.
Madman - Ugly Kid Joe
2. Hey, why don't you swallow razor blades
   You must think I'm some kinda gay blade
Vicious - Lou Reed
3. Slamming through, don't fuck with razorback
   Stepping out? You'll feel our hell on your back
Damage Inc - Metallica
4. The best dressed boy in town he thinks it's funny
   Half a dozen jobs makes his money
In the City - Madness
5. The rivers are full of crocodile nasties
   and He who made kittens put snakes in the grass.
Bungle in the Jungle - Jethro Tull
6. I ain't seen my baby since night before last
   I wanna get drunk till I'm off of my mind
One bourbon, one scotch, one beer - John Lee Hooker
7. Poor Pussy
   Poor Pussy Cat
I'm too sexy - Right Said Fred
8. She was the meanest cat
   In old chicago town
Ma Baker - Boney M
9. I was the only one who offered
   To carry your books
   Took all the stares and laughter
   And the dirty looks
Homely Girl - UB40
10. Let's go to the Vatican, get him out of bed
    Put the noose around his neck and hang him till he's fucking dead
Hang the pope - Nuclear Assault

It's Friday

Google maps

For the UK are now in beta. Apparently it's pretty bloated so don't bother on dial-up.
http://maps.google.co.uk/
http://local.google.co.uk/

---

Thanks Marc

Why won't girls admit to masturbating

There is a quick and simple answer to this question. Girls are a lot more modest than guys, and it makes them feel dirty if other people know that kind of personal thing about them. Not only that, but hey, we don't want you thinking about us doing that...

Check out the note from the Male Editor and while you're there you can check out the rest of What women are really thinking.

From the same people who brought you What men are really thinking. They need a website for that? I can do that in one line.

Sex, sex, tits, sex, beer, sex, fart, sex, sex, more tits, sex and more sex.

Rules of a Gunfight

Avoid them like the plague
Be aware of what is going on around you by staying in condition yellow.
Have a plan or two. (If not, a "Last Will & Testament will do.)
No plan survives contact with the enemy.
Bring at least one gun (don't bring a knife).
Bring the biggest gun you can handle.
Bring friends (as friendly witnesses or fire support).
Let close air support or artillery soften-up the target for you.
Make use of available cover.
Remember the difference between concealment and cover.
Don't get shot (Use cover to your advantage).
Place your shots well.
Pay attention to where your shots fall.
Speed's fine, but accuracy is final.
Don't miss. (You can't miss fast enough to win.)
If you're the bad guy, draw & shoot first.
If you're the good guy, draw second and shoot first.
Never turn your back on an armed bad guy, even if he's down.
A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If you're bleeding to death, say something witty.
If you're actually dying, say something deep.
Never assume your opponent is out of ammo.
Bring lots of ammo.
In combat, you will be scared. You will have a tendency to shoot high. Be aware of this and aim low.
Don't quit just because you're hit; GET EVEN!
Never quit, period.
There is no prize for second place.
There's no such thing as "unfair advantage."
He who lives to run away will live to run another day (the best strategy is being somewhere else).
It is better to give than receive (Just like Christmas).
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
If your opponents didn't have the courtesy to "Count Off!" before beginning, assume that there's one more somewhere.
When the cops pull up, think fast and move slow.
Say nothing afterwards but the Seven Magic Words: "I'd like to speak with my attorney."
Distribute press releases indicating you target belongs to a cult.
Drop the one with the shotgun first.
Afterward, alter evidence to favor your position and plan for perjury.
Use cutesy green-and-purple colored weapons and ammo so the press won't show any video of your non-evil-looking equipment. Fuzzy rifle-wrap works best.
Insist on at least $50K from tabloid TV producers.

I'm sure

that Badger is on getting to leave already

Women - seriously scorned

 

 

Interesting site

I think I’m going to start letting muthafuckers enjoy some of the ejaculate from the penis of knowledge. But just a little at a time cause there nothing like a full load in the face to kill the buzz. Which I wouldn’t know anything about, I just heard and shit. Anyway, I’m always hearing the younger cats bragging shit up about how they would like to either sleep with more then one woman at the same time or that they have. I’m gonna have to call bullshit on this little exercise in futility cause shit ain’t like it is in the movies.

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table

iThings

Firstly there's the iPoo.
A UK company started up by a distant relative of the inventor of the toilet, has created a new handheld GPS device that allows you to locate and then get directions to the nearest toilet in the UK.

Then there's the iPope
It's your Church, after all. Why shouldn't you carry it in your pocket?

Why is it?

1. That your teachers/parents tell you to carry scissors with the sharp end pointing towards you? Like you want to stab yourself if you bump into something.


2. People say that motorcycles are dangerous? After all how many news reports have you heard that say "A motorcyclist was in collision with a bus, killing all passengers and the driver and he walked away with nary a scratch"?


3. You can make so many delicious things out of just flour and milk?


4. Your friends never tell you that you've got a trail of toilet paper half a mile long hanging from your arse when you're just about to chat up a beautiful girl?


5. Your mum always says "If you fall from that tree/haystack/cliff face and break your legs don't come running to me"?


6. That the more hair I lose from my head, the more hair grows on my back? Seriously, I look like a scalped pink gorilla!

Go go

Badger racing
Can you feel the need for speed?

I feel funny

Not only does she pass out on air, but the woman in the front doesn't even notice!!
Update: link fixed.

Fact of the day

Ok, so I nicked the idea from Goose

A conveyor printing press is used to print the tiny white M's on each M&M candy. Because the peanut sizes vary, the press must be always adjusted to prevent smashing the peanuts in peanut M&Ms. Regular M&Ms, all the same size, are much easier to send through the printer.

Inventive lot computer geeks

 

 

 

 

 

Beautiful women

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!) Too short / too tall, too straight / too curly"... but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" ... but decides she doesn't have time to fix it.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore... then goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and Ability... goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look ... just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

For Badger

This is what Mrs Convict's tits look like when they get cold

Chavs are universal

Looks like the Japanese love to chav their cars up just as much, if not more, than the English yoofs.

---

Cheers Marc (who only needs the Burberry cap)

Penis head study

In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger
than the rest of it.

After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Sweden decided to do their own. After
$250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to
give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2
weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a
Badger's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Yoinked from eye'm off my rocker

For those who haven't done their taxes

A man has spent many days crossing the Sahara without water. His trusty horse and camel have both long since died of thirst. Drier than a Californian raisin, he is on all fours crawling through the sands certain that he has breathed his last. All of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand 6 feet ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie.

He is a dull looking character, wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a naff grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," drones the monotone genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for that old chestnut," replies the weary man. "I'm not going to trust a tax inspector!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a going to die anyway!"

Sighing, the man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the dull genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".

********** P O O F **********

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with carafes of vino superior and platters of expensive delicacies.

"OK sir, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

********** P O O F **********

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests, filled with rare gold coins, precious gems and a cheque which would keep the Beckhams for life.

"Very well sir, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no Matter where I go beautiful women will want, and need me."

********** P O O F **********

He is turned into a tampon.

And the moral of the story? If the Inland Revenue offers you ANYTHING, there must be a string attached.

Beer test

A cold beer is one of the biggest desires of humans during the summer time. But when is the beer the correct temperature? How do we know when it's cold enough?

We hardly ever get it right!!!!

But now the ultimate method to determine whether a beer is cold enough, or not, has been discovered.

The Method

By applying the method we can see that the left beer is cool enough but the right isn't.

Here's the proof.

---

Again, thanks to Marc

The only vote that counts

If you are English then download this picture, print it out on a sheet of A4 and stick it in your window. Sit back and watch the politicians squirm when they ask you for some of your time.

Thanks to Dad for that one.

Job application

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - here is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

---

Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

---

Thanks to Marc for that one

New link sites

Sorry to the peeps that have asked me for these links, but they're here now.

Firstly there's FlushTheWeb.com who's tagline is Only The Worst Sites On The World Wide Web Updated Daily .... hmmm ... do I really think my site qualifies?

Next up we have BeTuMaN. Quien es un amigo de Creamy. Buen venido a la célula BeTuMaN.

VW logo

VW has been doing some market research and following extensive data analysis across all age groups and income brackets, have discovered that many people would prefer them to change their logo. So in a bid to make their new Golf GTI more popular they've decided to release it with a revised logo

Thanks to Marc for alerting me to this story.

Military acronyms

Something for everyone in the Miltary Acronyms list. I like TARFU myself.

Has Badger been to Florida???

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great.", he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get way from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man "Sir, he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

Eye test

Jeez, I gotta get my eyes tested.

Last post for a while

I'm exhausted at the moment. I've got a lot of things going on and spending half the night blogging on 2 sites has finally taken its toll on me. I'm going to take a 2 week break to spend some time with my family and just veg out in front of the telly. If you're looking for good sites that'll give you a laugh, maybe a bit of smut and possibly some outrageous comments then have a look at my links on the left hand sidebar.

I'll be back on 25th April.

Update: I put a post up about St George's day cos it's 23rd April

St George's Day

One for all the English people out there. Should St George's Day be a public holiday. If you're not English you can still pop over and vote Yes, if you don't mind.

Hemorrhoids?

Not with this

If AOL made cars

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just “lock-up” for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots’ of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car from them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, “Good-Bye .”

Lego

When I was a kid I had a bucket, literally, load of Lego but I never used it to build machines of like these

Classic Joke

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!"

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I know I'm gonna get SCREWED!"

Thanks Tim

If you've linked to me

and you aren't shown on the lefthand bar, can you let me know in the comments. I was browsing sooooo many blogs last night, some that I've never visited before, that were linking to me that I feel I should return the favour.

Money Grabbers

Actual headlines

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Meme meme meme, it's all about meme

1) Did you have a desire to just die at one point in your life? No
2) You are about to be executed in five minutes. What do you do? Any
last words? Take some crack just to see what the buzz is like ... hey I'm going to be dead in 5 minutes remember!
3) Do you believe in life after death? I'm interested in Bill Bailey's views on reincarnation. If you haven't seen Part Troll yet, rent it.
4) What violent crime or natural disaster are you most likely (or would
rather choose) to die from? Getting hit by a meteorite, it worked for the dinosaurs
5) Do you believe in ghosts? Only Casper
6) Who/what do you think you were in the past life? A Gaboon viper, see number 3
7) And the one before that? A Bush viper
8) If you are to resurrect a dead person, who would it be? Elvis, so I could kill him for having to listen to his music for tooooo long
9) Describe your weirdest dream/experience. Having a car side-swipe me and staying on my bike. Even the witnesses didn't know how I did it.
10) What mental disease are you most likely to develop? Tourette's I'm f***ing half way there c**t f**k
11) What extraordinary ability do you have? I can clear a room just by farting
12) Which of the seven deadly sins describes you most? Pissedasafartedny
13) Which tarot card do you think you are? The unlucky one
14) If you are to go back to medieval age, what 3 things would you take with you? Mrs C, the designs for a steam engine and a pharmaceutical scientist
15) Which war (battles, crusades, missions, campaigns etc.) would you have enjoyed to participate in? The Peacekeeper Wars
16) You are to switch soul with a member of the opposite sex, who do you choose? Mrs C to see just what it's like when she squirts
17) Would you choose to be tortured in exchange of something you really desire? If the torture invloves being sexually abused by several hot women then I'd consider it
18) What is the weirdest word you've heard? You may invent one if you can't find any I think I just did in 12
19) What do you believe in that most would find unbelievable? That I am a sex god who is worshipped by millions of women

Busy, busy, busy

Short post tonight cos I got a load of things to do this weekend. Tonight I'm spending quality time with Mrs C, gonna watch a couple of DVD's including Saw. Tomorrow I've got to get a new crash helmet cos I went to flick a load of water off my current one and it sort of slipped out of my hand; effectively throwing it on the floor. Sunday is the first Moto GP race of the season. Can Gibernau beat Rossi straight from the off? Will Max Biaggi actually become a contender now he's with Honda's official works team? I can't wait to find out as this looks like it could be one of the most closely contested championships for a while.

Drug Dealing Gran

This sort of story warms the cockles of my heart.

A 66-year-old grandmother from Northumberland has been spared jail by a judge for drug dealing.

Judge David Hodson said he would not make a martyr of Patricia Tabram, who had admitted possessing cannabis with intent to supply from her home.

The former chef appeared at Newcastle Crown Court on Friday after making cannabis-laced soups and casseroles for herself and friends.

Full story

Making music

The exitic curry has overtaken the humble fish and chips as the English nation's favourite dish. Due to this fact many English people have sat in an Indian restaurant listening to traditional Indian music. If you've wanted to have a go at composing some Indian music you can now.

Thanks to Marc for a fun find.

Question: Does your town have an Indian restaurant or takeaway?

To the prick

that was weaving all over the road at 20 mph this morning.



I wished he'd looked in his rearview mirror and seen this though.

No riot shield?

No problem, just use your cop car

In England

especially around London we have a saying "Cor blimey luv a duck" but it doesn't mean anything like this

Dresses

Now I don't know much about buying dresses, just taking them off Mrs C. But is $115 expensive for a dress? No? Well what about when it's for a dog?

Bike safety

As I'm sure uberBitch knows; when riding your bike you should be as visible as possible.

This is a riot

Once upon a time, three villains assembled in their boardroom for their weekly 'Dastardly Deeds Forthcoming' meeting...

Weird penis disease

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

Bored?

uberBitch was bored the other day, so I found her a list of things to do when bored

GGG-mail?

Ok, so your down wit yo homies and yo ho's is shakin der booties, but you gotta have somewhere to check your mail ain't ya? That's where GGG-mail comes in. This is a mock-up. Don't forget to keep your details to yourself.

Passport Database

Check to see if INPA (International Passport's Record Bureau) has your passport details.

A site that linked to me

It's amazing where your site gets linked to. I found out that Nothing To Do has got this site linked. So I pinched this post.

He may be small he may be sweet but it feels sooooooooooo good to blow Tweety the animated rigntone bird thing to smithereens

Oooops sorry Dan

I've just realised that I haven't linked to this.is.anfield. Oh, I have now.

Great site

I popped over to The Monkey Cage after seeing him comment on one of Goose's posts. Definitely worth a visit and now on my links.

Dark in here

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son, Johnny, was hiding in the Closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the Closet; Johnny now has company.

Johnny: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Johnny: "I have a cricketball"
Man: "That's nice."
Johnny: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Johnny: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Johnny: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that Johnny and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Johnny: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Johnny: "I have a cricket bat"
Man: "How much?"
Johnny: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to Johnny, "Grab your bat and ball and we will go outside and play." Johnny says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes Johnny sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

Johnny says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

No sex?

Well not in Manchester

Bloody drivers

You are a Safe Driver
Your Safety Score: 65 %
You are a Marginally Aggressive Driver
Your Degree of Aggressiveness: 55 %
You are a Somewhat Courteous Driver
Your Courtesy Score: 60 %
You are a Potential Road Rager
Your Degree of Rage: 55 %

Analyse your road rage potential

Crime spree

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns.


2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.


3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.


4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 cal Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.

The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.

Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

Here we are at the beginning of April and we already may have the 2005 winner of the Darwin Award.

Who likes Hip Hop?

I knew there was a reason I didn't listen to it.

Spring Break

If you're male you've more than likely seen the Spring Break videos. OK, I'm not going to be sexist, you may have seen them if you're female as well. Those young nubile bodies frolicking in scanty clothing ... now where'd I put the tissues? Ah there they are ... where was I? Oh yeah. Imagine my surprise when I came across Spring Break Shark Attack

Creamy's moved

For those of you that haven't been over there recently, you should know that Creamy has moved to http://www.creamlog.org/new/ so update your bookmarks.

Nana crash

Like a human Yeti Sport

Gran Turismo

A video of a kid playing Gran Turismo ... but he's only just out of nappies for f**k's sake!

Hip man

This video is so bad it's nearly good

Essex Girl Jokes

Following on from Badger's post about Essex Girls and finding out they are world famous (or should that be infamous?) here are a few more.

Before I get flamed for being a snobby twat, I hail from Kent, which is just the other side of the Thames Estuary from Essex. And yes, I lived soooo close to Chatahm that I could really be called a chav apart from the fact that I'm about 15 years too old. I believe that you could substitute "Essex girl" for "chavette" and "Wayne" for "Gaz" and the jokes would still be as funny.

Q: What's an Essex girls favorite wine?
A: aw go-on take me to Lakeside please please go-on take me. Lakeside is a big mall on the Essex border
Q: What's an Essex Girl's form of protection?
A: Bus Shelters
Q: What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Bag of Crisps?
A: You only get one bang out of a bag of crisps
Q: How may Essex girls does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?.
A: Five. One to make the mixture and Four to peel the Smarties.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for weeks after you've dumped your load in it.
Q: What does an Essex girl say after sex?
A: "Do you really all play for the same football team?"
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board?
A: An ironing board's legs are difficult to part.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?
A: An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.
Q: What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her feet.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and a plate of spaghetti?
A: Spaghetti moves when you eat it.
Q: What does an Essex girl do with her asshole after sex?
A: She takes him down the pub.
Q: What makes an Essex girls eyes light up?
A: A torch shone in her ear.
Q: How do you know when an Essex girl's had an orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
Q: What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of it's own.
Q: Why do Essex Girls wear knickers?
A: To keep their ankles warm
Q: How does an Essex girl get light?
A: Open the car door.
Q: How does an Essex girl turn the light off after sex?
A: She closes the car door
Q. What's the difference between a Walrus and an Essex Girl?
A. One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.
Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when f**cked.
Q. Why do Essex girls use tampons with long strings?
A. So the crabs can go bungy jumping..........
Q. What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!
Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
Q. Whats the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters
A. They both have saws in their box
Q. What does and Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?
Q. Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"
Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
Q. Why does an Essex girl drool?
A. Because she is full.
Q. How do you tell when an Essex girl is having her period?
A. She's only wearing one sock.
Q. What's the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.
Q. What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say ?
A. NEXT !
Q. Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A. Red means stop.
Q. Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger?
A. You can park in the handicapped spots.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray?
A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.
Q. If an Essex girl and a London girl jump out of an airplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The London girl; the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.
Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Q. What do you call six Essex girls in a row?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. What do you call a London girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?
A. Goes home.
Q. What do Essex girls and computers have in common?
A. You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.
Q. What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg
A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg !!!!
Q. How is an Essex girl like a beer bottle?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
A. Gifted!
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a whole brain?
A. A Golden Retriever!
Q. Why is an Essex girl like a turtle?
A. They both get fucked when they're on their back.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!"
Q. What's an Essex girl's favorite wine?
A. "Daaaady, I want to go to Ibiza!"
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a pound coin on the top of her head?
A. All you can eat, under a quid.
Q. What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common?
A. You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q. What did the Essex girl say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
A. "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
Q. What do you say to an Essex girl with no arms or legs?
A. "Nice tits!"
Q. Why aren't there many Essex girl gymnasts?
A. When they do the splits they stick to the floor.
Q. What do a Ford Escort door and an Essex girl have in common?
A. The more you bang them, the looser they get.
Q. What's the irritating part around an Essex girl's vagina?
A. The Essex girl!
Q. How do you describe an Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots?
A. Flattered.
Q. What is the worst thing about having sex with an Essex girl?
A. Bucket seats.
Q. What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A. Remove their underwear.

An Essex girl is driving along and asks her boyfriend to kiss her somewhere warm, wet and smelly. He tells her that it's to late to drive to Canvey Island.

Voice on phone: "'allo Tracey. This is Dave".
Tracey: "'oo are you".
Dave: "Don't you remember? I 'ad you in the pub car park last night".
Tracey: "Was it The Red Lion, the Turk's Head or the Royal Oak?"

Wayne and Tracey are in a restaurant.
Wayne: "Do you fancy coq au vin?"
Tracey: "Nah. I fink sex in a transit is tacky".

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10?" says the council worker, "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl, "I just use their surnames".

Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?" "Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"

If you still want more after that try over here.

Rude cartoons take 2

Yep, more from Marc

Kart scammer

This bloke is funnier than the last one I posted.

Hello,
Thanks for the mail, no problem about taking care of your schlong, why would'nt
i take care of what i realy need, and full attention will given also.
Let me have the selling price. Thanks Joe.

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