OAP's at McDonalds

An elderly couple visits McDonalds. He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

"The teeth."

Age difference

A naked middle aged woman is jumping up and down on her bed and shrieking with joy. After a while her husband asks what she is doing.

"Well, she says, "I've just been to the doctor for a breast examination (can't spell mammogram) and he said I'm 100% healthy and I have the breasts of an 18 year old".

The husband say's "what did he say about your 55 year old bum?"

The wife replies, "He didn't enquire after you"

Pope Joke

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters u-n-t?"

Only one word leapt to mind...

"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Fancy a burger?

I know where I'd like to get a burger ... at Beavers

How do you take your coffee?

Cream? Sugar? Or do you prefer milk?

Einstein

Was not just a brilliant mind, but apparently a bit of a Lothario.

Via Badger

Huge Arse

No, I'm not referring to Goose but to a farmer's huge arse on Google Earth.

Women

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like ... You know, sometimes I forget to eat! ...... Now ... I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen witch ..... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: Eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Ooops

Or is it "Oooooooooh fuck!!!!!!!!!!"

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters ...

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop”. Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways".
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted!

MSN Chat

Man: Hello
Blonde Girl: Hello
Man: Are you really blonde?
Blonde Girl: Yes i really am!
Man: How big are your tits?
Blonde Girl: Hold on i'll have a look
Blonde Girl: ghetsdmdlsmezopden
Man: what? I don't understand
Blonde Girl: jquendpflrmenadeze
Man: I am dissappointed i can’t understand you!
Blonde Girl: gstemldteoqndqle
Man: Whats going on??????

Alternative word meanings

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation whilst drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Bathroom prank

As seen on Break.com

Goose never listens

In a hospital, Goose had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. "Sir", she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist ...

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure ...

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Since then Goose has had his penis sewn back on with some small success.

Don't speak with your mouth full

Portugal's Football Training Ground

Ronaldo

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water attacked by a very large great white shark, through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo.

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat with Beckham and Rooney sped into view. Beckham took aim and fired a harpoon into the sharks' ribs, instantly immobilising it. Rooney reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using a club, beat the shark to death.

They bundle the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat and the dead shark and were preparing to set off for land, when they royal yacht pulled along side, the Queen calls them onto the yacht. The Queen is in awe of the men's bravery, "I'll give you a knighthood for your actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as role models for sportsmanship worldwide."

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asks, "Who was that?"

"That," answers Beckham, "was the Queen; she rules Great Britain and the Commonwealth and is a wise leader of all her subjects".

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows fuck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

Fidelity

An elderly couple was sitting around one evening and Goose says to his wife, "Mistress, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Goose, three times."

"Three times? How could that happen?" Goose asks.

Mrs Goose replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Goose.

"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"

"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Goose. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"

"Well," Mrs Goose continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"

"Yes, of course," said Goose. "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"

"Yes, I remember," said Goose, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you.

So, what was the third time?"

Mrs Goose lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"

US v Japan

A Japanese auto company and an American auto company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, the American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved, was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

Beckham's resignation speech

I should've posted this ages ago ...

but I couldn't be bothered.

Human Chimera

Imagine if you discovered one day that two of your three children were genetically not yours. Recriminations, marital troubles, perhaps a divorce, right? Now add a twist. What if you were these children’s mother? Suddenly the question becomes not "Who?" but rather "Huh?"

Yet that’s what happened to "Jane". At the age of 52 when her children were full-grown, she and her children underwent genetic testing for a possible kidney transplant. Completely unexpectedly, two of her three children tested as genetically not hers. A mix-up of babies was ruled out, and she and her husband had not undergone in vitro fertilization, so it was absolute that her children were hers.

Jane, it turns out, is a human Chimera.

This is damn interesting.

Welcome to the joys of marriage

The purpose of NoMarriage.com website is to allow men to better understand two very important issues that get very little attention:

• 4 out of 5 men regret marrying.
• Foreign women from Latin America, Eastern Europe, and Asia make much better wives than American women.

On the flipside we have:

Secrets of Married Men is the site where men and women come together to learn about what husbands can do to make marriage great, and teach other men how to do it. It’s a place for men to share their successes, their pains, and their advice. It’s a site where you can help learn about the meaning of marriage, and the positive male attributes you bring to your relationship.

So the Police do have a sense of humour

Policemen at the Palace of Westminster are notorious for their mischievous sense of humour when it comes to dealing with tourists.

For example, they once nominated a camera-shy constable as the "official" PC to be photographed by visitors eager to be snapped with a British bobby.

But the latest wheeze takes the biscuit.

Apparently when tourists ask why Big Ben has been silenced for work on the famous bell, they are told: "Because it's going digital."

Source

Beer warning

I know some of you don't drink beer. Even so, this message needs to be passed on to all your beer drinking friends.......

Never do this to a can of beer......

It will get warm and explode!

Goose plays golf

Goose staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said Goose. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that!"

Stress

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate.

Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it.

It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may need to take a holiday.

Photograph

Honda choir ad spoof

Joke

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

Street Race

This is how I'd like street racing to be.

Think you know your cars

If you think you know your cars then prove it by taking the MTV Overdrive - Pimp My Ride - Car Close-ups Game

Save on petrol in the UK

Just take a look at Petrol Direct

For over women in their 30's

This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30’s ... AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!... As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the cinema or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women.

Women over 30 couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows
her friends won’t betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a twat if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons......

Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocated. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Thx to Little Miss Fortunate from Biker Mice From Mars