Newsflash

Following Liz Longhurst's successful campaign to shut down violent pornographic sites, users in Britain could be charged if they are found to willingly access sites that peddle pornography and torture.

On the bright side, Goose will no longer be allowed to post anymore jokes from George or Sid. I'm sure that Badger's will come under close scrutiny too.

New site

If you like the content over at Blogywood then you will more than likely enjoy 4 all fun as centrocampista is one of the bloggers.

Game

When the screen loads click Game link and then keep hitting Z and X to watch the strip show.

Thanks to this.is.anfield

Telemarketers and junk mail

(1) How to get rid of telemarketers. Three Little Words That Work!

The three little words are: "Hold On please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.


(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 24p postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 29p before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes.

For example; send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 24p.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea ?

If enough people follow these tips, it will work!

Japanese video

Just one question, what the hell do they put in the water over there? In this gameshow contestants have to run a 100 metre obstacle course including what looks like a speed shag.

M25

No sooner have the roadworks crew packed up their tools, rather earlier than most of us would consider a full working day, after completing one of the most extensive carriageway widenings of the greatest car park in the world than some poor sod crashes a lorry full of hydrogen peroxide. Net result, the crew are now on overtime overnight to repair the road, which has been melted like a chocolate bar, so that commuters the next day can sit in the traffic jams.

Mmmmmmm

One to add to the recipe book tossed salad - NSFW

A message from kids who survived the 60's, 70's and 80's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

Funny videos

A good reason why guys should shave.
Matrix style table tennis.
Try not to get stressed at work.

Ask Alice

Ask Alice is an online health service. Questions answered such as is it a problem if my vagina is purple and why do nice guys always finish last?

The Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

Cartoons

All the cartoons on this site are based on spam e-mail subject titles.

A word from your pets

Please don't speed

The wonders of hypnotherapy

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. "It worked, the headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

Goose's funeral services will be held on Monday.

Full english breakfast

Ok, you've seen the dancing Citroen C4 video which made quite a stir when it was released because of the excellent cgi morphing and choreography? Have you seen this one of a dancing Citroen 2 CV video?

Just imagine how you'd feel if you came down after a heavy night on the sauce and your full english breakfast did this.

Rectum deodorant

A Blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The Assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the assistant that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry" says the assistant, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here, "says the blonde

"do you have the container that it came in?" asks the assistant.

"YES" said the blonde "I'll go home and get it"

She returns with the container and hands it to the assistant who looks at it and says to her. "This is just a normal stick of underarm Deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container..........

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Safety warning

Parents, when taking your kids to the pool, make sure that they wear their glasses. If you are concerned about them breaking their glasses consider purchasing optical correction googles.

The Beer Scooter

As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine (Dionysus for the Greeks) . Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of anothers and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Terrorist parodies

Firstly a video parodying the airport security for terrorists.

Next a video parodying the news interviews of terrorists.

What would you do?

I received this from Marc by e-mail. The original options were delete and forward; I couldn't just forward it on.

You make the choice, don't look for a punch line. There isn't one.
My question to all of you is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question. "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?" The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"

Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.

The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on glove and played in the outfield. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. Should they, at this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow round ball right back to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on a high arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first baseman.

Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"

Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the base line, wide eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases toward home. Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay, run home!"

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world and to his."


AND, NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY:
We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people think twice about sharing. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces. If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people on your address list that aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message.

Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up that opportunity, and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

You now have two choices:
1. Ignore
2. Pass it on

Game

I've never been able to work this fucking game out. But I know that others enjoy its simplicity as it's a point and click game. Have fun with Hapland 2

You know when you need a diet when ...

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

Chav Wedding

  

 

Top gun training

Something tells me that this budding pilot took a bit longer to complete the top gun training and earn his wings.

Cute one for the women

How good a blogger are you?

I scored 62%.
61 people had a score lower than mine.
21 people had a score higher than mine.
1 person had the same score as me.

So How good a blogger are you?

The Labs

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I go on everything -- the sofa, the curtains, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night when I went in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it’ll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and mailboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

New terror alert advice

The US government has a new website designed to give advice in the style of the old "duck and cover" from WWII. However, the pictures used are a bit ambiguous so this site gives new interpretations of the terror advice pictures.

Church signs

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

31. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Odd facts

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts-Charlemagne, and
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 calibre machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.

Fed up

with the little basket stuck on the front of your push bike? Well now you can carry all you need if you build your own cart bike.

Who ate all the pies?

Or should that be cakes?

Nice haircut

Hookers

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air".

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

Real or CGI

Can you tell the difference between a real photo and a computer generated graphic? I'd show you a pic but after the trouble that Goose is having I think I won't as they're all copyrighted.

Gary Numan

No this picture has not been morphed, photoshopped or altered in any way. This is what he looks like nowadays.

So old

it was probably out before the old fart Badger managed to bash is bishop for the first time but what the hey.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and, without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which
read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

WTF

This guy not only dances infront of his computer every day but he videos it for you to watch later and he has now got guest dancers too!!

What ...

is 200 km north of the Arctic Circle?
started in 1990?
is 5,000 square metres?
has 60 rooms?
uses 30,000 tons of snow and 4,000 tons of ice?

Give up? Ok, I'll put you out of your misery, it's the Icehotel in Jukkasjärvi

PS3 Grill

PS3Grill truly is the grill to be placed in the center of living rooms in homes around the world.

The PS3Grills BBQ chip, the RBSX "Real BBQ Synthesizer" based on Nvidia technology revolutionises the way taste is created.

Take a sneak peak at the PS3 Grill

Room Service

I was on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths.

I grabbed a card on my way to the hotel. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello ?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it."

"Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound to you?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to dial 9"

E-mailed from Ian

Caption This

VW Videos

Can't remember who sent me these, porbably Marc.

One that involves a VW Polo and a suicide bomber.

One that involves a VW Golf and a kid.

Blogger

Yep, it did it to me again last night. Spent ages on a post, got it all nice, clicked the button, waited 20 minutes for it to post and got a message that their servers were down. BASTARD. Glad to see that I wasn't the only one though as the Cakesniffer also experienced some interesting results.

Jeff

Guy goes to work in the Australian Outback. Apart from the other workers on the site, and the landlord of the local bar, there is no-one around for miles.

After 3 months, Guy goes into the bar and gets chatting with the Landlord. Eventually he gets round to the subject of what they do for "female company".

"Aww there's no Sheila’s round these parts, mate, all we can offer is Jeff in the back room for $20".

"Oh I think I'll give it a miss" says Guy "I'm not really like that".

So he leaves the bar and gets on with his work.

3 months later he goes into the bar, and his need for "relief" is getting greater. Again he chats with the Landlord and eventually he asks if the situation regarding "female company" has changed. "Nope" replies the landlord "still all we can offer is Jeff in the back room for $20".

"As I said, I don't think I'll bother because I'm not really like that".

Another 6 months passes and Guy is getting desperate for some sexual relief. So he goes into the bar and asks if there are any "ladies" in town.

"Sorry" says the landlord "Just Jeff in the back room".

By this time Guy is really desperate so he asks "If I do go into the backroom with Jeff, how many people will know".

"7" says the landlord.

"7, why so many?"

"Well there's you, me and Jeff: and the four guys who hold Jeff down because he's not really like that either!!!!"

Terror alert status update

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the level has just been raised from 'miffed' to "peeved'! Soon though, the levels may be raised yet again to "irritated' or even " a bit cross"!! Londoners have not been a "bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorised from "tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance", the last time a "bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was during the great fire in 1666.

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world" and "beg the British for help".

Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful " and "win".

Prison related links

Can you tell whether the person pictured is a serial killer or computer programmer? I got full marks.

On the subject of serial killers, you can find crime stories on serial killers, the mafia, terrorists, spies, assassins and gangsters at the Crime Library. Alternatively, you can find out all about gangs and families at Gang Rule.

Courtesy of Dan over at this.is.anfield is a prison dictionary in case you ever find yourself inside.

For those of you who may have spent a long time inside or are still inside for that matter, you too can find your perfect partner at Meet an inmate.

A heart warming story of a gang of prisoners who spent 67 months tunnelling out of prison a la Great Escape. Shame they didn't spend another month on it though. Found at Attu sees all

Commentators

Probably old by now and maybe a repost ... deal with it.

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the Cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Immigrant's poem

Cos Goose is still a chicken .... I wonder if he's been near a Porsche lately????

I come for visit, get treated regal,
So I stay, who care I illegal?
I cross border, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send plenty cash right to your door."
Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,
NHS, it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, British dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them come as fast as you can.
They come in rags on the back of trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together,
More welfare cheques, it gets better!
Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, British guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family (they just trash),
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is mucho good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby-it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
Britishman crazy! He pay all year,
To keep us illegals in comfort here.
We think UK is very good place!
Much too good for the British race.
If they not like us, they can go,
There's lots of room elsewhere you know...

Immigrant's poem

Cos Goose is still a chicken .... I wonder if he's been near a Porsche lately????

I come for visit, get treated regal,
So I stay, who care I illegal?
I cross border, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send plenty cash right to your door."
Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,
NHS, it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, British dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them come as fast as you can.
They come in rags on the back of trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together,
More welfare cheques, it gets better!
Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, British guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family (they just trash),
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is mucho good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby-it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
Britishman crazy! He pay all year,
To keep us illegals in comfort here.
We think UK is very good place!
Much too good for the British race.
If they not like us, they can go,
There's lots of room elsewhere you know...

Top 5 James Bond Cars

Do you agree that these are the top 5 James Bond cars?





Can you believe that they're planning to put James Bond in a Fiat Panda?

Game

Throw the ball in the bin .... course it helps if you catch the bugger first.

Naked Cooking

I put this one up especially for Mrs Convict, or should I say Tatas as that's the handle she's given herself in the chatrooms now.

Cars could soon catch viruses

Car industry officials and analysts say hackers' growing interest in writing viruses for wireless devices puts auto computer systems at risk of infection.

As carmakers adjust on-board computers to allow consumers to transfer information with MP3 players and mobile phones, they also make their vehicles vulnerable to mobile viruses that jump between devices via the Bluetooth technology that connects them.

Read more on car viruses.

Da da da ... da .... daaaaaaaa

The investigation on the June 24, 2005 UFO incident over Xalapa now unveils a new story . A similar UFO sighting took place the same day in San Luis Potosi where several reports from residents told of a strange unusual activity witnessed for several days of unknown groups of flying spheres over the city.

One of these sightings was videotaped by Rosario Oviedo at daylight just outside her home for several minutes. According to her testimonial on Friday morning she got shocked seeing the sky filled with luminous objects in an impressive spectacle that frightened her at the beguinning.

See what you think. Is this a video of UFO's?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To take a closer look at the Porsche doing 220 kph.

Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'

One big post tonight

and it's all about letting your imagination and creativity run riot.

Like SIM City? Now you can create an online city.

NationStates is a free nation simulation game. Build a nation and run it according to your own warped political ideals. Create a Utopian paradise for society's less fortunate or a totalitarian corporate police state. Care for your people or deliberately oppress them. Join the United Nations or remain a rogue state. It's really up to you. Go ahead, create and rule your own nation.

If you want to take a break from total world domination for a while, you can create your own comic strip.

Alternatively you could give Fu-Qtoo a run for his money and design and sell your own t-shirts.

Ever wondered what personality traits can be identified by drawing? Draw a pig and get your personality traits.

typoGenerator is a random generator for 'typoPosters'. A typoPoster is a poster, created from images and letters/text that doesn´t have any sense, just to look good. My attempt is shown below.



Fancy yourself as a jeweller? Then try your hand at designing your own diamond ring.

Gross out quiz

How much does an adult elephant crap in a day?
How long can a tapeworm get?

For answers to these questions and more, try the Encarta Gross Out Quiz. I got 8 out of 9 btw, the elephant crap ... erm ... crapped on me.

Hooray, hooray it's a holi-holiday

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc... The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery, when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning Father, Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them, then moved on.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR them before you even saw them.

Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning Fathers," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady..."

"Yes?" she replied.

"We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know how in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father," she replied, "It's me, Sister Mary Francis"

Fashionistas

are out in force again. They're not content with raising hemlines until they're nestled just under the crotch and dropping waistlines on trousers until they're nestled just above the crotch .... oh no .... not that I'm complaining mind .... if you want to let it all hang out now you can.

Drink plenty this evening

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Don't say a prayer for me now

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.


MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.

What's wrong with this picture?

Coffee Beans

Find the man between the coffee beans. Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in 3 seconds that your right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and one minute, then your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between one minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein.

If you have not found the man after 3 minutes your right half of your brain is a mess, and the only advise is to look more for these types of exercises to make that part of the brain stronger.

The man is really there.

NTL to provide 10mbps broadband

Subscribers will get a standard minimum 10Mbps connection speed, without paying extra. NTL said it was a "major step" for the UK's digital future.

Shame their customer service, billing and activation departments aren't running at the same speed. I for one won't be changing service providers and I'm also wondering if they're telling their customers that they are getting a free upgrade, or is the customer going to have to chase them for what they're due? Maybe Goose can start a diary in the comments?

Read more

Edit: A more detailed article can be found at Connected Internet

Game

Yes, I'm spoiling you today with yet another game. This one involves you hitting the displayed keys to move your character up a flight of winding stairs. Course it also has the added benefit of being a game that teaches you the keys on the keyboard

Can anyone

figure out the Japanase? First I happened across this article stating that the number of women preserving their virginity into their 20s and beyond is rising rapidly. Ok, good on them if that's what they want then who am I to disagree. But then, Japan's first school of sex has opened its doors and women are flocking to attend classes.

Game

In this drag strip game use your spacebar to accelerate and the up arrow to change gears when the revs are right. Watch out for false starts and don't blow your engine. The faster you go the further the babes will go.

Space travel

With the current furore surrounding the safety of the space shuttle, maybe it's time to take a look at some alternative forms of cheap space travel.

Hmmm

Take a guess at what you would use this kitchen roll to wipe.

Typical Management

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

When crossing the road

remember the Green Cross Code. Stop, look and listen

I've had a bad day

Time for a smoke

Football viruses

For Goose and Dan

The Man United Virus:
your computer develops a memory disorder and forgets everything before 1993.

The Man United shirt virus:
Very difficult to detect as it changes format every three months.

The Roy Keane Virus:
Kicks you out of windows.

The Tim Howard virus:
The computer looks like its functioning normally but you can't save anything.

The Alex Ferguson virus:
The computer develops a continuos whining noise. The onscreen clock runs slower than all other computers in the building.

France on heightened terror alert

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military

Customise a porsche

And see how much it costs when you've finished. Customise a porsche

Gashlycrumb Tinies

If I remember correctly Herge likes the Gashlycrumb Tinies. If so then he, and anyone else for that matter, will enjoy Edward Gorey's The Gashlycrumb Tinies A-Z of ghastly deaths

Last Words

Wait 'till I have finished my problem! - Archimedes (298-212 B.C.)
I do not have to forgive my enemies. I have had them all shot - Ramon Maria Narvaez (1800-1868)
My dream - O Gods! Here is the snake I bore and fed. Clytemnestra (The Choephori)
Precious, precious, precious! My Precious! O my Precious! - Gollum (The Lord of the Rings)

There's more last words on epitaphs, wills, obituaries, last stands and farewells too.

It's been a hard day and I need a hug

The real life of the 3 bears

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my Porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who made and packed your lunches, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, and put the recycling out, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the frigging cat out cleaned the litterbox, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.

I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Why do Muslim terrorists commit suicide?

Let's see now:
No television.
No cheerleaders.
No baseball.
No football.
No basketball.
No hockey.
No golf.
No tailgate parties.
No Home Depot.
No pork BBQ.
No hot dogs.
No burgers.
No lobster.
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.
No gumbo.
No jambalaya.
More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?)
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies.
No Girl Scout cookies.
No Christmas.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of dinner cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really. IS THERE ANY MYSTERY HERE?

Posted by me cos Goose is a chicken.

Flip(pin) Hell

Ok, he's not quite in hell at the moment ... just purgatory ... heehee as the man would say. So he's not having a great time of it is our man Flip; and no I won't go into the details, if you're interested enough you can find it all on his blog. So what does he do?

Sit in a pub sulking and drinking himself into oblivion? NO
Walk around in a drunken stupor headbutting random objects? NO
Walk around looking for local yobbos (same as a Chav) to beat to a pulp? NO

Not our Flip, oh no, no, no, no. He sits down and starts up a veritable feast of sites. If you haven't checked them out then get over and take a peek.
The Flophouse - The original
Coolios - guest poster along with DNA
All Nudes - NSFW but some classy nude photos, not hardcore.
Etherus - NSFW same as above with more hardcore stuff
Sextreme - NSFW and all hardcore
Wafty Crank - NSFW and mainly hardcore
Tender Teens - NSFW and all ... erm ... teens

Al Qaeda and Bombings

Above pics shamelessly stolen from Goose

---

Some people have decided to take things into their own hands.

On the other hand there's good news for 'Asian looking' people who are too afraid to carry rucksacks becuase of obvious reasons.

Above text shamelessly stolen from Dan at this.is.anfield

---

Are you a Democrat, Republican, or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes
with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

ANTI-TALIBAN DAY
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and he must commit suicide if he does.

So this Sunday at 4 p.m. eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to show support for all American women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.

Above text shamelessly stolen from eyerocker at eye'm off my rocker

I did it

I finally finished Medal of Honour European Assault. It's bloody hard even once you know how to do it. Normal service will now be resumed ... possibly.

Wedding Cake Decoration

When on a committee

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.

Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.

Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.

When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.

Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

Ferrari Fall Foul In New Youth Venture

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Employment scheme and employ people from Luton.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Luton area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for .... At the crew's first practice session, the Luton pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower!!.

ESSEX DISASTER INNIT!

A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the scale hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering "faaackin ell" ...

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately GBP30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Millie-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
GBP2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
GBP5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret - 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"