Car for sale

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off

You can see a picture here

Bird flu

One reason to be thankful if bird flu hits the UK

Sometimes you should keep your mouth shut

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him; and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from; so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children.

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Holy Crap" he says, "are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped me with some wet celery?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

Filched from TTR2's blog

How to enjoy prison

Thieved from Eyerocker

Watch out Grandma's about

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Happy Birthday

It's Mrs C's birthday today and we have visitors tonight and tomorrow so no posting. Will post something over the weekend if I have time and don't have a hangover.

The economics of prostitution

Wife or whore?

The choice is that simple. At least according to economists Lena Edlund and Evelyn Korn, it is.

The two well-respected economists created a minor stir in academic circles a few years back when they published "A Theory of Prostitution" in the Journal of Political Economy. The paper was remarkable not only for being accepted by a major journal but also because it considered wives and whores as economic "goods" that can be substituted for each other. Men buy, women sell.

More on the economics of prostitution

10 reasons why geeks make excellent fathers

1. LEGOS. The Geek is really more of a Man-Child than an adult. In their minds, they are still 10. They freakin' still love to play with their legos, and have never grown up. I have one friend, WHO WILL REMAIN NAMELESS, that still has legos in his room. He doesn't have kids. Just legos. Of course, my children love legos and Steve will lovingly spend hours playing legos with them.

2. VIDEO GAMES. Due to the whole Man-Child thing as stated in #1, the Geek loves video games. And he's good at them too. My husband is the hit of all the kids' friends because not only can he talk video games, he plays them too. If my children get "stuck" while playing their Gameboys and bring it to me for assistance, all I can do is feebly hold it and say " Mommy doesn't know how to play this." Daddy, however, can beat the game.

3. MATH. A huge plus here. No matter how old they get, Steve can still help with the math homework. My ability to be of assistance is going to last another few years before *I* end up throwing the math homework across the room in disgust.

4. SMART KIDS. Smart Geeks make smart children. Although for the most part, it's great to have really intelligent children, when your just turned two year old is using the word PREPOSTEROUS correctly, it makes for some difficult times as they get older. I literally spend a large part of my time scheming to stay one step ahead of my oldest child.

5. UP ON TECHNOLOGY. The beautiful thing about having a Geek for a parent is that you aren't wondering what your children are doing online. You *KNOW* what they are doing online and you can limit it if necessary.
It's fabulous peace of mind.

6. SCIENCE FAIR PROJECTS. Children of the Geeks always have the coolest science fair projects. And you don't have to cajole your Geek into helping. You'll find him fiddling around with the science materials whether you asked him to help or not.

7. TOY ASSEMBLY. You will never, ever have to spend six hours of your life, that you will never get back, trying to assemble some 2,000 piece toy at 3 am on Christmas Eve again. The Geek can do it in minutes flat. Usually without the directions. Whereas I have tried to assemble toys and said "Mommy has to go to the bathroom" just so I could escape and scream into my pillow in frustration, if the Geek is around, he can take it right off your hands. I now just say "Daddy is really good at this, let's wait until he gets home."

8. GADGETS. Never again will you have to wonder what that new electronic toy is that all the kids have. In fact, your Geek will probably already own it. The problem arises when the Geek won't share with the children. "Daddy, I want a digital camera." After the child leaves the room: "I'm not spending hundreds of dollars on a digital camera for him, he's too young." I say "Let's get him a cheap one." Steve looks at me as if I just said Aliens are invited to dinner. " To have it take crappy pictures?" He scoffs and walks away in disgust. No sub-par electronics in this house! How dare I suggest it.

9. SMART IS COOL. Having a Geek for a father instills the message into your children that smart is cool. They idolize Daddy. Hopefully, they'll want to grow up to be just like him.

10. BEING IDOLIZED IS GOOD FOR YOUR GEEK. Course, you have to be careful that his head doesn't get TOO BIG. That's why I blog. Gotta keep his ego in check SOMEHOW.

Via Welcome to MY world

Diamonds

Don't believe that the diamond market is run by cartels that fix the price?

The diamond invention—the creation of the idea that diamonds are rare and valuable, and are essential signs of esteem—is a relatively recent development in the history of the diamond trade. Until the late nineteenth century, diamonds were found only in a few riverbeds in India and in the jungles of Brazil, and the entire world production of gem diamonds amounted to a few pounds a year. In 1870, however, huge diamond mines were discovered near the Orange River, in South Africa, where diamonds were soon being scooped out by the ton. Suddenly, the market was deluged with diamonds. The British financiers who had organized the South African mines quickly realized that their investment was endangered; diamonds had little intrinsic value—and their price depended almost entirely on their scarcity. The financiers feared that when new mines were developed in South Africa, diamonds would become at best only semiprecious gems.

Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?

Classic Cartoons and pics

What was number one on your birthday

On my birthday it was:
Peter Sarstedt - Where Do You Go To My Lovely?

So what was number one on your birthday?

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding" and out on the "Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

Top 100 downloads

For top 100 downloads of free software or shareware for Windows XP.

Could only find a top 100 links for the Mac.

Road joke

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

I think that one's worthy of Goose's brother George.

Classic Double Entendres

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weight-lifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

If you heard any good double entendres or uttered any yourself then leave them in the comments.

Pool games

We've got quite a large temporary pool, 10ft diameter and 3ft deep, which we love to use in the summer and means that we're quite popular as people are always dropping in on the hot days; remembering that we live in England! But I wish that our pool was bigger so I could get a couple of these Motorized Pool Loungers so we could have a couple of races.


Via Attu

If you go ...

into the showers today
You're in for a big surprise

Via TTR2's Blog

Joke

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own fucking blanket!"

Swiped from Badger

Bum wines

A round up of the best wines for bums, no not the kind you drink anally you wierdos, the ones tramps drink. Although mainly American wines are listed as the top 5, the site owner has obviously travelled a bit cos they've listed Buckfast too. If pushed I'd have to guess that DNA has managed to get wasted at least once on them too.

IT Manager Game

The IT manager - overworked and underappreciated. You know the story. Back in school, always the last to be picked for football, but the first one they ran to when they accidentally deleted a homework assignment. Not much has changed since then. But the fact is it takes a special skill set to manage an IT department. As IT manager you need to monitor industry trends and administer mission-critical resources for an entire company. At the same time, you have to manage increasingly tighter budgets - finding ways to do more with less - and possess the people skills to oversee staff and run interference with top decision makers.

The Intel® IT Manager Game tests your entire skill set - people management, resource allocation, strategic analysis and planning. It also tests your courage under fire - can you stand up to the scrutiny of top management along with that of your peers in the industry? Will the decisions you make result in breathtaking profits or devastating losses? Will you enjoy the sweet taste of victory or the bitter agony of defeat? Are you destined for management glory or will you be the kid sitting on the sidelines, waiting for the bell to ring?

Find out by playing the Intel® IT Manager Game now

Christian Science

There's no shortage of articles lately where christian scientologists or whatevr they're calling themselves, are complaining about the theory of evolution and how little intelligent design ... ahem ... I meant intelligent design is being taught in schools. I have scoured the internet and actually found a Christian science textbook which should appease them.

Quote o' da day

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
- Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.

3 Variable Funny Test

the Shock Jock(61% dark, 69% spontaneous, 63% vulgar)

your humor style: VULGAR | SPONTANEOUS | DARK Your sense of humor is off-the-cuff and kind of gross. Is it is also sinister, cynical, and vaguely threatening to the purer folks of this world. You probably get off on that. You would cut a greasy fart, then blame it on your mom, and then just shrug when someone pointed out that she's dead. Yours is hands-down the most outrageous sense of humor; you like things trangressive and hardcore. It's highly likely (a) you have no limits (b) you have no scruples and (c) you have no job. Ironically, it's your type of humor that can make the biggest bucks in show business. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Howard Stern - Adam Sandler - Roseanne Barr

Take the 3 variable funny test

Bank Raid

Japanese(?) advert involving a bank raid

Midget Matador

A midget matador gets more than he bargained

Xbox Advert

Advert for Xbox, no idea what they're saying but now you know why your flights are always delayed.

Super cop

Super cop takes down 3 villains.

Smack the Pony

Window cleaning sketch from Smack the Pony(?)

Germany to the rescue

A distress call comes into the German Coast Guard

Pikey Plasma TV

Ginger kids foundation

There are few famous ginger people.


Alyson Hannigan - mmmmmm


Geri Halliwell - ermmmmm


Mick Hucknall - aaaaaaargh

Alyson Hannigan ..... erm there was a point to this post wasn't there? Oh yeah, there is now a International Ginger Kids Foundation

Pampered Pooches

With stars like Paris Hilton changing their dogs more frequently than they change their underwear (does Paris wear underwear?) there must be a demand for doggy accessories. Surely there is, Glamour Dog caters for every pampered pooches needs.

Elevator Etiquette

Conversations in the elevator are generally discouraged, however, it is acceptable to continue a conversation that was started before boarding as long as it is not clearly irritating others in the car. Avoid lewd jokes and topics that could offend others. If you feel the other passengers are not enjoying your discussion STOP talking and continue when you have arrived at your destination floor.

More Elevator Etiquette

Cool Movies

Pleix makes brilliant little artsy movie clips of very high quality and originality. Included in their repertoire is the music video for Basement Jaxx Cish Cash and look out for the latest featuring flying/floating dogs!

Shoe laces

Those simple little things that stop our shoes from falling off and our feet from slopping around inside. But how many ways are there to tie shoelaces? Five, ten; you'd be surprised.

Room illusions

Take a boring room, paint it carefully and you create an optical illusion which'd scare the crap out of the unsuspecting visitor.

Advertising illusions

As you are probably aware, advertisers nowadays like to play with optical illusions. Sometimes what you see is not all that it seems ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Snoop Dogg 's Answer:
This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.

Isaac Newton 's Answer:
The duck suggested to the chicken that they play follow the leader then the duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Steve Jobs 's (Apple) Answer:
Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing device can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens and recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert iChicken files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an additional $50/month fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is still in development. iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers, which can be found in nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a disease or stops working, you must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton, Montana and our iTechnicians will send you a replacement within 3 months. The iChicken. Wow.

More celebrity answers to Why did the chicken cross the road.

What's your favourite punchline for why the chicken crossed the road? Leave yours in the comments.

The Dialectizer

With the Dialectizer you can translate any page or text into a variety of dialects including Redneck, Cockney or Moron. I quite like the Swedish Chef.

Monobrow

Something I thought I had a problem with, the monobrow is the ultimate single eyebrow and has a site Celebrating the Unity of Your Eyebrows

Speeding saves lives

Ewww

Some people have too much time on their hands. For example:

Tampon Rockets
Tampon angel
Tampon peppers
Loads of items made from tampons
And finally for a bit of variety Maxipad slippers

The Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Why I can smile today ...

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion, Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just 3 people to run for Prime Minister and fifty for Miss United Kingdom?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn ... that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able To tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it ... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a council building?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Hemale or Shemale

Can you tell the difference between a hemale or shemale? I managed 9 out of 12.

Via Blogywood

Monk-e-Mail

Create a monk-e-mail from a range of monkeys. You can add your own message by text to speech, the mic, phone or select another message. Here's one I prepared earlier.



Note that it may take a while for the message to play as the server does get overloaded.

Budweiser Ad

The rooms so small you can't swing a cat

Bird flu

Apparently Goose has had flu ... well he reckons it was bird flu. But once again our intrepid reporter has found the true reason why he hasn't been updating his blog recently. It seems the Goose has been spending time in the company of a couple of birds alright.

One fatwa coming up

Dear muslims,

If you do not like my country, please leave.
If you do not like the way our women dress, please leave.
If you do not like our separation of politics and religion, please leave.
If you support violent responses to criticism of Islam, please leave.
If you support terrorism in any way, shape or form, please leave.
If you cannot accept satirical cartoons in our newspapers, please leave.
If you do not support democracy or the freedom of speech, please leave my country.

More information on the Face of Muhammed

Maude and Mable

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"It doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

European Commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

Tere will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl rite n styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

About the penis

There are two toilets in the building where I work. They are next to one another and each contains just one toilet bowl because I don't work for a big company. Following the traditions of society one is aimed at being used by the female employees and one - the other one - has been designated for usage by non-females. Without symbols on the door a visitor might wonder which was which out of fear of, for example, stinking the place up and stepping out just before someone of the opposite sex steps in. Also just before that person runs out gagging and crying. For some reason people of the same sex just seem to accept that discomfort more easily.

There are differences inside the two toilets which hint at their sexual orientation, so to speak. One toilet, for example, has a brighter lightbulb. Could this indicate that one sex has a greater need to look at itself? One toilet has a fluffy pink towel on the back of the door while the other has a towel that is a colour one hint of green up from grey and would be rated as 3H for hardness if it was a pencil. Can you accurately associate colours and rigidness of towels left by cleaners with the sexes of the persons using the bathroom, especially in this day and age and especially if you'd ever met our cleaners?

It's difficult but there is a killer clue though: one toilet - the toilet on the left if you ever visit - is distinguished (if that's not too fine a word) by possess ing an almost-permanent puddle of piss at the base of the toilet bowl. This piece of the enigma leads me to suspect that this toilet may in fact be ... the men's toilet

From Bubbly and Neonny

Joke

Victor and Donna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Victor suddenly jumped in the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Donna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Victor to safety.

When the psychiatric director became aware of Donna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Donna the news he said, "Donna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Victor, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead.

Donna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry, So how soon do I go home?"

Muscle cars

One for DNA the Top Ten Muscle Cars will help him decide which to use for his next road trip.

Alternative ending to Celebrity Big Brother

From Goose

What's your sexy name?

Cats in sinks

One for Uberbitch cos I know she loves pussy. So here are a load of Cats in sinks.

Biker related

Firstly the Presurfer found this great video of a biker kicking back in the middle of winter. He decided to dress in his biker gear and dance to My Humps ... no it's not me ... I haven't got as good a rythym as he has.

Next up we have a loony biker who has managed to do a sitting on the bars no handed wheelie. Where will it all end? What will be the ultimate biker stunt?

Finally the new British government advertisement for car drivers. Warning, this is a shocking video on the typical scenario when a car driver comes out with that short sentence all bikers dread, "Sorry mate, I didn't see you."

Oi Badger

My old masturbating friend Badger better watch out. His threats will now run from my back like water from a Goose's ... I mean duck's back. I've found someone who'll protect me. You see there's this Cornish fellow, goes by the name of Arthur Boyt and he loves a Badger sandwich.

The difference between airplanes and women

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes operate inverted.
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't complain if you hose them down.
Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
Airplanes can get high without throwing up.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like a woman, it's a bad thing.

Newsflash

Northern Ireland is, today, still trying to come to terms with it's worst ever, civilian airline disaster.

At 5.30 this morning a single engined Cessna nosedived into the burial ground of St Bernards Church, in Belfast.

Up to now, 2500 bodies have been recovered but the death toll is expected to rise as digging continues into the evening.

Time changes modern human's face

Researchers have found that the shape of the human skull has changed significantly over the past 650 years.

Modern people possess less prominent features but higher foreheads than our medieval ancestors.

Writing in the British Dental Journal, the team took careful measurements of groups of skulls spanning across 30 generations.

The scientists said the differences between past and present skull shapes were "striking".

More

Does this mean in a few hundred years we could all look like this?

Man spikes own drink

A man describing himself as a passionate masturbator has admitted that he spiked his own drink with the drug Rohypnol in order to have his way with himself.

The man told police he deliberately set out to prey on his own company, by slipping the potent sedative pill into his vodka and tonic while he wasn't looking. He said his plan from the outset was to take advantage of himself while his defences were down.

More

How much of a slut?

OMG my school photo

was stored here. Have a look to see if your's is stored at World School Photographs

Is God Black or White?

A little boy goes to his mother and asks,"Mom, is God black or white?" His mother replies,"He's neither black nor white." Next the boy asks,"Is God a man or a woman?" "He is neither a man nor a woman, dear." His mother replies. Finally the boy asks,"Mom, is it true that God loves all the children of the Earth." His mother smiles and says,"Yes, son, this is true." Still puzzled the boy thinks for a moment and asks,"Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

Wierd American Laws (Califonia)

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Like to see them enforce this with rats and cockroaches
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. How many whales live in Cali ... oh never mind
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. But a vehicle with a driver can exceed 60?
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. Where on earth would you keep an elephant anyway?
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. But a skateboard or rollerblades are ok
It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. But his fist is ok?
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand. Any children testifying have gotta be strong
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. How do you molest a butterfly?
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. No working late in the office excuses eh?
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. How do you take a lunch break?
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street. That explains the whale law then
It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner. The middle of the freeway is fine though

Medical Tales

I'm sure that the Cakesniffer herself will enjoy these.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see: The man had over fifty patches on his body. Now, the instructions also include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

And of course, the best is saved for last. A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.

---

This is one that apparently happened in my local hospital; told to me by a friend who worked there as a porter. A portly man walks in to accident and emergency covered in a blanket, which had been cut with a slit so that it was worn like a poncho, and by all appearances naked underneath. He asks to see a doctor, specifically a male doctor, when he gets to the counter. Now over here in England they don't like you just walking in to A&E without getting a lot of details but no matter how much they bullied and cajoled him, the man would not divulge what his problem was.

After a while a male doctor was eventually found for him and he was taken to a cubicle. A short time later the doctor appeared from the cubicle grinning like a maniac runs down the corridor, through a connecting door and proceeds to collapse in gales of laughter. The doctor eventually calms himself enough to ask several nurses to assist but after explaining the problem each nurse in turn collapses in uncontrollable mirth herself. Finally the doctor manages to gather assistance and the man is treated and eventually discharged still wearing the blanket.

So what was the problem that had caused such merriment in A&E? Apparently the man had been highly aroused and had decided that having a Badger moment would not suffice and had grabbed his terrier and buggered it. The terrier had then clamped down on him to such an extent that he had been unable to remove it.

Audi A8

Not an outstanding car in itself in the way a Ferrari or Bugatti Veyron but this A8 belongs to a Saudi Prince, so I'm told, and he's decided he wanted it customised. Is customised the right word? I think not, he's had it BLINGED, na'ot I mean?

How dodgy are you?

Criminal

How much time are you allowed on the internet when you're behind bars? With those answers that is the only place you can be… You're a bad piece of work who must be doing some time at Her Majesty's pleasure. Either that or you're some kind of Harry Houdini when it comes to paying your debt to society.

Based on your answers, we have calculated the maximum penalty for your crimes:

Years in prison: 61 Potential fine: £7000

No surprises there then!

Now let me know How dodgy are you?

Personal Ad

A lonely woman, aged 80, decided that it was time to get married
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you .... you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"