Medical Tales

I'm sure that the Cakesniffer herself will enjoy these.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see: The man had over fifty patches on his body. Now, the instructions also include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

And of course, the best is saved for last. A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.

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This is one that apparently happened in my local hospital; told to me by a friend who worked there as a porter. A portly man walks in to accident and emergency covered in a blanket, which had been cut with a slit so that it was worn like a poncho, and by all appearances naked underneath. He asks to see a doctor, specifically a male doctor, when he gets to the counter. Now over here in England they don't like you just walking in to A&E without getting a lot of details but no matter how much they bullied and cajoled him, the man would not divulge what his problem was.

After a while a male doctor was eventually found for him and he was taken to a cubicle. A short time later the doctor appeared from the cubicle grinning like a maniac runs down the corridor, through a connecting door and proceeds to collapse in gales of laughter. The doctor eventually calms himself enough to ask several nurses to assist but after explaining the problem each nurse in turn collapses in uncontrollable mirth herself. Finally the doctor manages to gather assistance and the man is treated and eventually discharged still wearing the blanket.

So what was the problem that had caused such merriment in A&E? Apparently the man had been highly aroused and had decided that having a Badger moment would not suffice and had grabbed his terrier and buggered it. The terrier had then clamped down on him to such an extent that he had been unable to remove it.