January 31, 2006
On this day:

I'm a Honda S2000!

You live on the edge, and you live for the adrenaline rush. You don't need luxuries, snob appeal, or superfluous gadgets. You put your top down, get your motor revving, and take all the curves that life throws at you at full speed. So what if you spin out occasionally?

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Found at 4allfun.com

COW - Programming for Bovines

The COW programming language was designed with the bovine in mind. Given that cows have somewhat limited vocabulary skills, it seemed natural to incorporate only the words they know into the language.

As a result, all instructions are some variation on 'moo' which just so happens to be the only word they really understand.

Found at The Presurfer

Geek alert

Apparently the old Mozilla code has had new life breathed on it by the SeaMonkey Council. The result is Mozilla 1.8 an app that runs on Windows, Linux and Mac OS-X. Some of the features include:
  • SVG vector graphics support (without plug-ins)

  • "tab re-ordering": tabs can be rearranged by drag and drop

  • "Autoscroll" support - middle clicking on empty space allows scrolling by moving the mouse

  • Can set the e-mail client to use a single "Inbox" folder

  • "Roaming Profiles": store your complete user profile in a remote server (FTP, LAN share, etc)

  • Auto save draft messages in the e-mail client

  • Caching improved. Hitting the "Back" button shows previous pages much faster

  • See and retrieve original (source) URLs from the download manager's list of previously downloaded files

See more about Mozilla 1.8 and SeaMonkey 1.0

Water bed

Water bed

Found at Wugsy

Did you know ...

  1. "One thousand" contains the letter A, but none of the words from one to nine hundred ninety-nine has an A.

  2. 10 percent of all human beings ever born are alive at this very moment.

  3. An Average of 259,200 people die every day.

  4. 22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next hour.

  5. 315 words in the 1996 Webster's dictionary were mispelled.

  6. 40% of all people who come to a party snoop in your medicine cabinet.

  7. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

  8. At the end of the Beatles' song "A Day in the Life", an ultrasonic whistle, audible only to dogs, was recorded by Paul McCartney for his Shetland sheepdog.

  9. Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and white worms like fried pork rinds.

  10. Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

Found at Lethal_T's Cosmic Debris

Most dangerouse hamlet in the UK

Mail deliveries to a hamlet with just three residents have been suspended after safety experts picked out 23 potential hazards for the postman.

A stile, farmyard and a dry stone wall were among the possible "dangers" in a Postcomm health and safety report.

The inhabitants of Cefn Minog in Monmouthshire now have to travel to the post office to pick up their mail.


And there was me thinking that the most dodgy place was Goose's

January 30, 2006
On this day:

Dick & Jane

Were nothing like this when I was at school. Maybe they were and I didn't notice.

Great offers

A friend of mine is selling a Palm Pilot and DVD writer that are both in really good condition if anyone is interested.

PalmPilot GBP50

DVD Writer GBP40

Click the links to see a couple of photos to show what condition they're in, please send onto anyone else who may be interested

Body mods

Last year, as you long term visitors may know, I got my tongue pierced but I doubt that I would go to the body modification extremes of some people.

Breaker, breaker

Convoooyyyyyyyy. At first glance this looks like a bog standard delivery truck, but appearances can be deceptive.

House truck

Found at Attu's

January 28, 2006
On this day:

Poor Goose

Apparently Goose is not very well. He's laid up in bed with what he reckons is the bird flu, poor chickadee. Apparently in a turn of heart Badger has come over all Florence Nightingale, flown over and is attending Goose's bedside.

Thanks to Creamy for finding the image for me.

January 27, 2006
On this day:

Normal Service

Will be resumed later in the week. Last night was manic sorting out computers and having visitors. Tonight we have no kids so ......

January 25, 2006
On this day:

Shhh .....

We're hunting Convict .... hahahaha


A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The boy finds an earthworm exiting its hole in the ground.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you £5 you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The lad runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy £5, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little lad another £5.

"Grandpa, you already gave me £5."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

January 24, 2006
On this day:

Jesus Toy

Know someone that has a religious bent and you care enough for them to want to buy them a gift? One that's just that bit special? One that every time they look at it they'll think of you? Then look no further because Divine Interventions have just such personal gifts. Most christian religious figures are covered in their range including Jesus, God, Bhudda and even a Grim Reaper.

Brings a new meaning to I've found Jesus and he's in me.

Oh yeah, probably NSFW


A man is wandering around town when he notices his watch has stopped working.
He comes across a tiny shop window with a display of clocks and watches so he goes inside.

He asks the clearly Jewish proprietor if he can fix his watch.

"No", he says, "I don't do any thing like that."

Confused, the man asks why he has a window display of clocks and watches but doesn't do that sort of work.

The proprietor replies "I'm a a doctor. I perform circumcisions. What would you like me to put in the window?"

Rednecks - good ol' boys?

Rednecks Moving

Redneck Date-mobile

Redneck Beauty Pageant
Bathing Suit Contest

Redneck Offroading

Redneck Birthday Cake

Redneck Spring Break

Redneck Dog House

Redneck Reception

Redneck Pick-up

Floods Don't Stop
Rednecks From Fishing

January 23, 2006
On this day:

Sick and late ... deal with it

7 days after the earthquake in Pakistan rescuers are digging through the rubble.

One rescuer shouts "I can hear a faint voice". All digging work stops and the rescuer puts his ear to the ground and from way below he hears a voice saying

"We're still open"

Another sick post skanked from this.is.anfield

All Nude Firefighter Calendar 2006

The all nude firefighter calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. They are available for sale on the site - the calendars, not the officers.

Click on the link below to view all 12 (24) totally nude firefighters ...

All Nude Firefighter Calendar 2006

Goose gets drunk

Goose came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Goose, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Goose was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family .... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a goose." Goose was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a goose. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and honking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard gander strolled over and said "So you're the new goose, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Goose, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the gander, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Goose

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a goose was the best thing that ever happened to him ... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ............

"Goose, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting all over the bed"

Scottish Lonely Hearts Ads

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column. Well the ads are but be warned that some of the links are NSFW.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.
Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required.
No timewasters. Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshipper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

January 21, 2006
On this day:

What happened to Goose and Badger?

Goose has been a bit quiet of late and our intrepid reporter has found out why. Seems the Goose has been enjoying a bit of rest and relaxation.

Badger has also been quiet and once again our intrepid reporter has managed to track him down. Seems Badger has been out hunting for a nice deer.

Dead man walking!

January 17, 2006
On this day:

Brain teaser

Ok this ones quite hard to work out ... only 1% of the population can do it but I bet Goose gets it straight away. Good luck!


You are behind the wheel of your car and keep a constant speed. On your left you have a drop. On your right you have a fire truck and it keeps the same speed as you. In front of you runs a pig that is bigger than your car. A helicopter is following you at ground level. Both the helicopter and the pig keep same speed as you. What do you need to do to stop?

Answer in the comments.

Who says ...

that you can't have fun on a high powered motorbike in the depths of winter?


A beautiful woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "You are perfection, I must have you right now! I'll drop £500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have had my way with you roughly from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her mobile phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "He's an idiot, take it cos when he drops the £500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he even gets his pants down."

Call me back and tell me what happened." The friend says.

An hour and a half later the lady had still not called back so her friend called her, "Well? What happened?" the friend asked.

The lady said, "The fucker had it all in 50p's"

Did you know ...

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Blond Joke (I think)

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan!

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies . . "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Random Webcams

These webcams were found by Google. Their owners might or might not have intended for them to be public. Shame I didn't get these up in time for the Christmas parties ... mwuhahaha

The Brain Drain

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

1Cool Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25) Something slippery? - A conman

26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

2Cool A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30) Something red? - My sweater

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show, so I'll give you that.

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No