This week ....

I are been mostly playing Medal of Honour: European Assault. I are mostly finished 'em an' all. Some bugger keep killin me roight at the end. Anyone who has played it an' finish 'em let'un me know in dem dere comments.

Game

To keep you amused over the weekend. Try not to get vexed

Wedgie girls

If you're not too old to have outgrown the sheer delight of giving your girlfriend a wedgie, then take a picture, send it to Wedgie Girls and they'll stick it up (pun not really intended) on the web.

Macaulay are you ok

are you ok Macaulay? Parody of Smooth Criminal; might be old but not as old as some of the jokes Goose puts up.

Graduates

A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"

A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Coming out

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"

"Well...yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"

Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

Just for the taste of it

No more magic mushrooms

From July 18th magic mushrooms are now classified as class A drugs and possession can now result in a maximum seven years in prison.

Expensive Mobile Phone

I was against getting a mobile phone - cell for those of you across the pond. However, Mrs C signed us up to a contract, got both of us a mobile and we haven't looked back since. No one phones me on mine though ... sobs. I like the current mobile that I have; it's got a camera so I can keep pics of Mrs C and the pickpockets with me. The Vertu mobile/cell phones are definitely something a bit special though.

404 Page

I've seen loads of customised 404 pages on the web and many sent to me via email from friends. The 404 page here though is one of the funniest; if a bit long.

How Google Maps got me out of a traffic ticket

Google Maps has been around for a while now as you are probably aware: and useful they are too ... if you live in the US or UK. However, this is the first time that I've heard of a legal use for Google Maps. Read all about How Google Maps Got Me Out Of A Traffic Ticket

Cartoon

Sausages

"Can I have some Irish Sausages please, asked Paddy."

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't ..."

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Fucking Homebase."

New link site

I've been meaning to do this for a couple of days but blogger was slow, kids' end of year plays and presentations and wotnot prevented me from putting this up. So I must apologise to Eyerocker of eye'm off my rocker for not putting this up earlier and from who I yoinked this post.

An "Opinions" letter posted in the Phoenix, Az. newspaper the "Arizona Republic" on Jun 30, 2005.
________________________________

Subject: F-16 noise complaint...

From the Arizona Republic online.....

Quote: A wake-up call from Luke's jets

Jun. 23, 2005 12:00 AM
"Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base: Whom do we thank for the morning air show?

Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 a.m., a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet. Imagine our good fortune!

Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns' early-bird special?

Any response would be appreciated."

thx pops


The reply is classic, and a testament to the professionalism and heroism of the folks in the armed services. The response:


Quote: Regarding "A wake-up call from Luke's jets" (Letters, Thursday):

On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four-ship of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt Jeremy Fresques.

Capt. Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.

At 9 a.m. on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend.

Based on the letter writer's recount of the flyby, and because of the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the President of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured.

A four-ship flyby is a display of respect the Air Force pays to those who give their lives in defense of freedom. We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.

The letter writer asks, "Whom do we thank for the morning air show?"

The 56th Fighter Wing will call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques, and thank them for you, for it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their lives.

Lt. Col. Scott Pleus

CO 63rd Fighter Squadron

Luke Air Force Base

For the drugs I need

Song and animation about the side effects of legal drugs

Photography challenge and quiz

For all you photographers out there.

The Everyman believes that anyone who has ever taken pictures in their life, has taken good pictures. One of the primary differences between professionals and non-professionals is how reliably they can get the good shot. because, photography, like any art, is meant to capture a moment, convey a feeling, tell a story, it is erroneous to believe that in order for a photo to be effective or artistic it must have formal composition, ideal lighting or, and most importantly, be taken by a professional. Note that the deadline for submissions is 26th September 2005.

Alternatively, at Photo Friday there is a weekly challenge to submit a photo based on a theme. This week's theme is ... hahaha ... silky.

How not to take a picture of your monitor

Someone keeps stealing my letters ...

... and it's INFURIATING... and kinda fun, too. This little interactive flash game thingie lets you grab and drag scattered letters to form words, but be quick - other users may try to nick them before you're done.

Long flight

A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Cartoon

Equal Opportunities

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Housekeeping tips

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date

Naughty games

As you guessed, probably NSFW.

Firstly, from Goose we have a sexy fruit machine.

Next we have a game where you have to give a girl an orgasm without waking her up.

Cartoon

Bike round up

For those of you that don't know, I like motorbikes. Sooo, some interesting bits I've found about motorbikes recently.

I wish I could afford a paint job like this one. I'd love to see the faces on the tin can drivers as I pulled up behind them.



An article about an amazing trike designed for wheelchair users.



And finally, new world record for sidecar - 169mph. Funny thing is nobody was in the sidecar, swizz.

Ooops

A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Smith, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said Mr. Smith, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the secreatry. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Smith as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the dishes!"

Things to ruminate upon

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

How not to take a picture of your cat

Cartoon

Autopsies

Ever wanted to know how an autopsy is performed? Or how to calculate a time of death?

Tought you might have.

Naomi's tantrum

An Australian presenter caught in an off-air recording of the Today Tonight show. Naomi's tantrum - language nsfw.

About Consultants

You Might Be a Consultant if...

• you ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
• you decide to reorganize your family into a "team-based organization."
• you think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
• you believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
• you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
• you can explain the difference between "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses," and you actually believe your explanation.
• you can spell "paradigm" and you actually know what a paradigm is.

Hiring a consultant
The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."

The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"

The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."

The Plane Crash
A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.

And remember....
It takes two things to be a consultant - grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing

Spank the booty

One that I got a feeling DNA and probably Badgirl will enjoy is a bit of booty spanking

Cartoon

Iron hymen

Taken a while for me to post this one, but I forgot I had it. A brilliant parody on the bizzare/draconian policy on sex education. There's Iron Hymen for the girls and Sex is for fags for the boys.

Funnier if you live in London

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either!".

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:

"In London we have so many fucking South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice!".

Firefox browser extensions

Firefox is the browser of my choice and this site is designed with Firefox in mind. So I like it when I stumble on some handy Firefox browser extensions.

A message from Badger

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers... Now I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed; the bills aren't paid; there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter; the flowers don't have enough water; there is still only one check in my check book; I can't find the remote; I can't find my glasses; and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Don't laugh; if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

Regards
Badger

Pregnant Britney Spears Photos

I know that Goose likes Britney, wonder if he also has a thing for pregnant women? If he does these photos of a pregnant Britney Spears will have him fwapping for a while.

Cartoon

Mini Poll

Do your tits hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder
Like a regimental soldier?
Do your tits hang low?

Following last weeks mini-poll for the men, I want to ask a few questions of the women.

1. Is your left or your right tit bigger?


2. Which type do you have?

Result
Goose has moobs and women either don't like to discuss their tits as much as men like to discuss their tackle or they don't visit here.

Want a new Ford GT40?

Well if your name is Jeremy Clarkson (a presenter for a motoring programme in the U.K.) then you've waited most of your life to afford one and for Ford to build one you can fit in. I'll let you read about what happens to Jeremy Clarkson's Ford GT40

Football lookalikes

For Goose and Dan

Where do sayings come from?

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs", therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg".

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig". Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man". Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board".

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax". Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile". In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt ... therefore, the expression "losing face".

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced"... wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades". To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck".

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TVs or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there". The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip".

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was
drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's".

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys". Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".

Not tonight

This is the only post for tonight. My thoughts go out to all of those injured and killed in the bombings in London. To my knowledge 50 people have lost their lives in the bombings in London, over 400 have been injured and there's just been a controlled explosion on a bus in Edinburgh. I have no more words nor the heart to do anything else tonight. Peace to you all.

Olympic Bid Result

Been playing with GoogleMaps?

Well over at Satellite Fun they've found some interesting satellite photos.

The cow is dead

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?

Wristband craze

Even though Live8 is over, most people will probably continue wearing the sweatshop produced rubber bands round their wrists. I've not worn a single one, but this wristband might change my mind.

What employers really mean on appraisals ...

Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

Active socially: Drinks heavily.

Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

Average: Not too bright.

Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.

Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.

Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.

Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.

Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him feel appreciated.

Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.

Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.

Enjoys job: Needs more to do.

Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.

Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.

Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.

Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.

Happy: Paid too much.

Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.

Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.

Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.

Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.

Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.

Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.

Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.

Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.

Not a desk person: Did not go to college.

Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.

Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.

Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Should go far: Please.

Slightly below average: Stupid.

Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.

Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.

Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.

Uses resources well: Delegates everything.

Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.

Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.

Well organized: Does too much busywork.

Will go far: Relative of management.

Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

For my son

Ok, so he's 11, very funny or annoying depending on my or his mood. He's finished Need for Speed Underground 1 and 2 just after I have and he knows and loves his cars. Yes he does like bikes but he knows his cars. His friend's brother is in the process of chaving customising his car. So I know that my son will just love this link to Max Power Live 2005

Yamaha R1

Now I know that DNA would like to get his hands on my R1. In fact to quote:
Hell, I'd kill for Convict's R1 too! GREAT forkin' bike!

Well DNA, you can have your own R1 or even any Yamaha motorcycle in this range.

Badger on safe sex

A man is having a check up, and his Doctor broaches the subject of safe sex. It turns out this fellow is very concerned about it; he asks the doctor if she can see anything wrong with his methods.
"First, I always use a condom."
"Well, that's great!" affirms the doc.
"Yeah, sometimes two or three. Oh, I use other barriers too"
The doctor asks, "Oh? Which other barriers?"
"Well, Sometimes I use one of those Level-1 Hazardous Matierial Clean-up suits, sometimes I wear a space suit, but sometimes I just wear heavy neoprene gloves and a Welder's apron."
The Doctor tries to be tactful, "You're certianly being safe, but I can see where your partner might have be concerned that you're being insensitive."
And the guy says, "Partner? What partner?"

Noooooooooooooooooooooo

Noooooooooo, noooooooooooooooooooooooo, please, if there is such an omnipotent all powerful being as God, don't let the Jamster Crazy Frog get his own video game.

On a side note, 2 news sites are not happy with the Jamster company and their practices. Firstly we have a report found on Yahoo and following that we have one from the BBC.

All about

Dildos. Probably one for the uberBitch, may be one for badgirl but I can virtually guarantee that Mrs C knows everything on that page.

Guess the face

Ok, so I've altered it to make it a bit more difficult for you but who do you think this face belongs to?

Parodies

Music video parodies
Song parodies
video game parodies
More video game parodies
Star Wars parodies
Other movie parodies

Question

If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station and what is a Playstation?

Bad Ads

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Chopin and Jean de la Fontain.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale

And now, the Superstore - unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play

What employers really mean when they say...

Entry level position:
You'll be making minimum wage.

Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:
You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

Profit sharing plan:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

Competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

Nationally recognized leader:
A magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

Immediate opening:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

Casual work atmosphere:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive environment:
We have a lot of turnover.

Must be deadline oriented:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtime required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Flexible hours:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

Must have an eye for detail:
We have no quality control.

College degree preferred:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work.

Apply in person:
If you're old, you'll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem solving skills a must:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

What job applicants really mean when they say...

I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I've used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centered:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humor:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'm willing to relocate:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'm extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

My background and skills match your requirements:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:
I'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I have formal training:
I'm a college dropout.

I interact well with co-workers:
I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:
Wait! Don't throw me away!

In-laws

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Vagina Lady

Phallic symbols can be seen and recognized throughout our society. Vaginal imagery, however, seems to have been left behind. What gives? Somehow the air of mystery about the vagina has become mingled with shame and discomfort. But the vagina, in its glowing non-pornographic beauty, deserves to be admired in a non-pornographic way. The Vagina Lady wishes only to share that beauty with the world.

Breaking news

Badger has just recovered and is back with his sack following some tinkering with his ticker. Convict's sources have managed to track down and locate a picture of the surgeon sourcing the required parts for Badger's surgery. "I'd like to thank the everyone at the hospital, who looked after me: the nurses and surgeons that performed the operation. I'd especially like to thank the surgeons for letting me fiddle with my new heart parts prior to fitting it." he was quoted as saying.

Mini Poll

Fella's (WHAT?!) Fella's (WHAT?!)
Grab you left nut, make your right one jealous (what?)
Copyright Eminem

Following on from a conversation tonight in uberBitch's chat room inquiring minds want to know.

Is your right or left nut biggest?
Do you dress to the left or right?

Results
Dressing side: Left - 57% Middle - 28.5% Right - 28.5%
Nut size: Left - 71.5% Right - 28.5%

Happy holidays

To my American and Canadian friends

 

Shopping

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

Ducati 998

I know that DNA would love to have a big twin ... motorcycle that is! But I don't know what you'd do with this full size glass Ducati 998

Sex, sex, sex

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone oestrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.


2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.


3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.


4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!


5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression.It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.


6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!


7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.


8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.


9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.


10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Thanks to Jenni for that one.