About Consultants

You Might Be a Consultant if...

• you ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
• you decide to reorganize your family into a "team-based organization."
• you think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
• you believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
• you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
• you can explain the difference between "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses," and you actually believe your explanation.
• you can spell "paradigm" and you actually know what a paradigm is.

Hiring a consultant
The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."

The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"

The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."

The Plane Crash
A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.

And remember....
It takes two things to be a consultant - grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing