Happy New Year

Mrs Goose is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Goose watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?

What's the matter with you?"

Mrs Goose continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

Goose replies, "What did he say about your 50-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Eight deer collisions!

Mind you, it was over 1,001,385 miles, that's right ... Man Puts Over A Million Miles On Car

Speed camera scam

Given the time of year, the sight of an elf at the roadside might ordinarily bring a smile to motorists' faces. When he is armed with a police badge and a speed-gun, it is a different matter.

Determined to find out who is naughty and who is nice in the lead-up to Christmas, officers in Orlando, Florida, are dressing up as Father Christmas's elves and staking out the highway to nab drivers exceeding the 45mph limit.

Thankfully this speed camera scam is in America. But how long before camera partnerships or the police think of it over here?

Comeuppance

It's heart warming to see some scrotes get their comeuppance.

Three muggers got a nasty surprise when they tried to rob a 67-year-old former British boxing champion.

George Bayliss, of Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk, who won an amateur light-middleweight title 40 years ago, was attacked near his home on Tuesday.

When the gang tried to mug him, Mr Bayliss reacted by throwing a left hook and the gang ran off.

"They weren't up to much as opponents - I've faced much tougher people in the ring," said Mr Bayliss.

"They picked on the wrong man. I'm a southpaw, so I hit the ring leader on the chin with a left hook and all three ran off. "

Ex-boxing champ surprises muggers

Birds of Britain

Psst

Scroll down to see Santa's cock.













































































Keep going





















































At your fucking age, THERE IS NO SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!
And what do you want to see his cock for WEIRDO!!

Thanks Ebs

Festive joke

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?

It's always erect, stays up for 12 days and nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on!

From Mrs C

Farts and Poop are Fun!

A blog all about poop, shit, crap, farts, bodily fluids and functions. Got a funny poop story? Or how about jokes? Then we want to hear from you!

Farts and Poop are Fun!

Holy 80's

Alternatively, you are a child of the 80's if you remember most of these. Leave your tally in the comments.

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.


2. You watched the Pound Puppies.


3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton


4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.


5. ou yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.


6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.


7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom


8. Two words: Hammer Pants


9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"


10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars ... and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect


11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)


12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.


13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.


14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen ... and still know the turtles names.


15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.


16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.


17. You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)


18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.


19. L.A. Gear ... need I say more?


20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's Truly Outrageous.)


21. ou remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books.


22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"


23. You wanted to be a Goonie.


24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. Some of us head-to-toe, some of us just the socks ... and odd colours, not a matching pair.


25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.


26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.


27. You took lunch boxes to school ... and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.


28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.


29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.


30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.


31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.


32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up. And you just said "By the power of Greyskull" to yourself.


33. ou thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.


34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.


35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"


36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"


37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.


38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.


39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.


40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.


41. You remember Popples.


42. Don't worry, be happy


43. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.


44. You wore socks scrunched down and sometimes still do ... getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family


45. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.


46. You remember watching both Gremlins movies. Mugwai!


47. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"


48. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales


49. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.


50. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.


51. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool ... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"


52. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.


53. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.


54. You just sang those words to yourself.


55. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.


56. Homemade Levi shorts ... the shorter and more frayed the better


57. You remember when mullets were cool!


58. You had a mullet!


59. You still sing "We are the World"


60. You tight rolled your jeans.


61. You owned a bannana clip.


62. You remember "Where's the Beef?"


63. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"


64. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.


65. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.


66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!

I'm an asshole

Thanks a bunch to DNA for finding one of my favourite tunes (and I don't care how many times Firefox tells me that favourite is spelled wrong cos that's how it's meant to be spelled).

A Christmas Jingle

I wonder if SID has secretly had another blog for a while. As this revised version of Winter Wonderland is just the sort of thing I've come to expect from him.

The Loving Husband

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed .. "I meant my dress size, you fucking twat!"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

Are you gay?

Are you gay? No I'm gay.

My Advent Calendar

Thanks to my friend Dan for providing me with the best advent calendar ever.