Embarrasing Photos

Via Goose

Chelsea pisstakes

One for Dan and Goose

Paris Hilton

Loves her new shoes

I'm Out

Wouldn't it be fun to use one of these "Out of Office" reply email or Instant Message "Away" Status??

1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall. Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.

2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over, but they would only get the message once)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. I've run away to join a different circus.

9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Marvin' instead of 'Martha.'

10. Your email has reached the Borg. Assimilation has begun.

Embarrasing Moments

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:

4th Place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'

After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

3rd Place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE'.

My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize".

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system:

"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"

And the winner is...

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture.

A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"

The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.

Realising what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned.

However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

Rabbit Joke

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie?"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. Again, the rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did during the whole of the previous year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of ham and cheese toastie". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"? The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie." The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

A year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only
served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. As he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you?".

"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your pub," comes the reply. The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties, you had a cheese and onion one instead." The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it." The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"Blimey " said the barman,"what from".

After a short pause the rabbit said...

............

............

"Mixing me toasties"

Attention!!

The DVLA have issued a notice which must be observed by all drivers within Britain