Quotes

"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)

"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."
- Mark Twain

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
- George Burns

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir..mighty scarce."
- Mark Twain

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get" a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

- Jilly Cooper

"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor


"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."
- Alex Levine

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Ed Furgol

"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
- Spike Milligan

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman

"I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
- Mark Twain

"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up."
- Joe Namath

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
- Herbert Henry Asquith

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
- Bob Hope

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
- WC. Fields

"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill

"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
- Unknown

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal