Sorry, bit tied up of late

Ok, I'll admit it, I've been playing Star Wars Battlefront 2 and Conflict: Global Storm.



Star Wars Battlefront 2
A good outing this one. Glad they put in the space combat levels as it makes for a more interesting game than just shooting anything that moves. Downside is the very slow load times especially when resetting the level and the squad commands are down to "Follow Me".



Conflict: Global Storm
My first time with the Conflict games. I've really enjoyed the features in this game. Squad control gives loads of flexibility in tackling the levels and the AI is outstanding. Downside is that until you work out the controls it can take a while to really become immersed.

The Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Visions of science photographic awards 2005

TV ads

Not seen the Vodafone Mayfly ad or the latest Guinness ad. Maybe there's a certain ad that you would just love to see again? You can find over 560 ads at Best Ads On TV

Politically incorrect

A decision to call Christmas lights "Winter Lights" in south London has been condemned as showing a "total lack of respect" for Christians.

Advertisements for the switch-on of the lights in multi-cultural Lambeth have renamed them, apparently for fear of offending other faiths.

Tory councillor Bernard Gentry told the BBC: "Christmas appears to have been cancelled in our borough".

More

Dog fuel

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Joke

A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had good sex for over a year and is considering divorce.

After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he says "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". She can't believe it; at last he's going to pay her a bit of attention.

They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY ... I like it."
She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.

"The boys down the pub were right," he says, ".............. a Goatie WOULD suit me!"

Have you

got a problem with dust bunnies? Then you could do with the Mosstril 5000.

Never smile at a crocodile

No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin
Never smile at a crocodile
Never dip your hat and stop to talk awhile
Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day
Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile
You may very well be well bred
Lots oft etiquette in your head
But there's always some special case, time or place
To forget etiquette
For instance:
Never smile at a crocodile
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin
Never smile at a crocodile
Never dip your hat and stop to talk awhile
Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day
Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile

What time is it?

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"

"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and lifts the donkey's balls. "It is 3:10", the man exclaims.

"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.

Again the elderly man lifts the donkey's balls and says, "It is now 4:45."

By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by lifting this donkey's balls!"

"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"

"Of course", the man replies.

"Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.

"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that.

"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"

Game

Latest game from Pringles called King Kong Jump. You can watch the trailer for the new King Kong movie at the site too.