Alternative Blogs

After reading Monkey's blog and seeing him do a historical blog I thought I'd have an homage to Monkey and do an alternative blog entry myself. So I present to you, Noah's Blog which was probably called I'm Sailing Away.


Friday
A strange thing happened to me today. I was out working when I heard this voice call me. "Noah" it says. I turned round, looked up, looked down, even looked between my legs like a freakin flamingo but still couldn't work out where this voice was coming from. "Noah" it says "This is God". Yeah, like I'm going to believe that one.

"Noah, The end of all flesh has come before Me. The earth is filled with violence through them. I will destroy them with the earth. I am going to visit a terrible flood upon the earth. It shall rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Mankind and most life shall be destined to destruction. To survive this you must build an ark." says He. He tells me that He's all omnipotent and all that but He don't half talk funny.

What a crappy way to end the week. After all it's Friday afternoon, I'm just 10 minutes away from finishing my shift, I'm looking forward to having a boys night out with Shem, Ham and Japeth, maybe take them to the new tavern that's just opened down the road and here comes this God bloke telling me I've got to build an ark what the fuck is an ark! I've never heard of a flood either I don't know the first thing about carpentry. Oh, and to top it off I've got to take two of each kind of animal in with me.

Still at least I haven't got to take the mother-in-law with me. Every cloud has a silver lining after all.

Edit: I found out that an ark is like a big houseboat.

Saturday (Flood Day minus 300 days)
I just received a quote for the wood, no way I'm going to be able to afford this. He's going to have to dip in His pocket if He wants it built in time for this Flood.

Sunday (F minus 299 days)
Worshipped God to day, not much else going on as I'm resting.

Monday (F minus 298 days)
He says that He's helping but I tell you, He always turns up late and He's got the most pathetic excuses. "Oh sorry but there was an accident and I had to get some Samaritan to help this bloke". Yeah right. He never makes the tea either which really gets my goat.

Edit: I swear, if He says "That bit doesn't go there." or "You don't want to do it like that." I'm going to stick a nail through each of His hands and another through His feet and leave Him there. See how He likes that! On a cross would look good.

Wednesday (F minus 100 day)
I'm not allowed to take anyone else apart from the missus, the boys and their wives. Mother-in-law is really ragging my arse cos she can't go. "You've never been good enough for my girl. Said you'd never amount to anything and you haven't. Now you go on this half-baked scheme of building this humongous boat, collecting animals in twos and if that's not an obsession then I'm Lot's wife! You do know that all the women at the W.I. are laughing at you behind your back don't you!"

I'm glad she can't come with us the mean bitch.

Tuesday (F minus 20 days)
Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I've been real busy with this ark, which is looking pretty good if I do say so myself. Things progressed quite well after I press-ganged Shem, Ham and Japeth into helping Him and me. Most of the animals are collected and coralled. Having problems with the Dodo though.

Thursday (F minus 1 day)
Everything's done.

1. Family in the ark ... check
2. All animals accounted for; two of ... check
3. All food and water stored ... check
4. Door shut ... check
5. Flood ... outstanding

Friday
I've never seen it rain so much!!! I'd say that it was raining cats and dogs if I didn't have them here on the ark. Note to self: Must keep cats and dogs separated from now on cos they tend to fight. Listening to all the people pounding on the door was not nice. Wasn't long til the sound of the rain drowned them out though.

Saturday (1 day After Flood)
Still raining.

Saturday (7 days AF)
Still raining.

Saturday (35 days AF)
Still raining. Hope it stops soon.

Friday (40 days AF)
Stopped raining. Yay me. Ark survived. Animals and humans a bit stir crazy. I'm going to send a dove out see if it can find any land.