Essex Girl Jokes

Following on from Badger's post about Essex Girls and finding out they are world famous (or should that be infamous?) here are a few more.

Before I get flamed for being a snobby twat, I hail from Kent, which is just the other side of the Thames Estuary from Essex. And yes, I lived soooo close to Chatahm that I could really be called a chav apart from the fact that I'm about 15 years too old. I believe that you could substitute "Essex girl" for "chavette" and "Wayne" for "Gaz" and the jokes would still be as funny.

Q: What's an Essex girls favorite wine?
A: aw go-on take me to Lakeside please please go-on take me. Lakeside is a big mall on the Essex border
Q: What's an Essex Girl's form of protection?
A: Bus Shelters
Q: What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Bag of Crisps?
A: You only get one bang out of a bag of crisps
Q: How may Essex girls does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?.
A: Five. One to make the mixture and Four to peel the Smarties.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for weeks after you've dumped your load in it.
Q: What does an Essex girl say after sex?
A: "Do you really all play for the same football team?"
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board?
A: An ironing board's legs are difficult to part.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?
A: An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.
Q: What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her feet.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and a plate of spaghetti?
A: Spaghetti moves when you eat it.
Q: What does an Essex girl do with her asshole after sex?
A: She takes him down the pub.
Q: What makes an Essex girls eyes light up?
A: A torch shone in her ear.
Q: How do you know when an Essex girl's had an orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
Q: What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of it's own.
Q: Why do Essex Girls wear knickers?
A: To keep their ankles warm
Q: How does an Essex girl get light?
A: Open the car door.
Q: How does an Essex girl turn the light off after sex?
A: She closes the car door
Q. What's the difference between a Walrus and an Essex Girl?
A. One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.
Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when f**cked.
Q. Why do Essex girls use tampons with long strings?
A. So the crabs can go bungy jumping..........
Q. What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!
Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
Q. Whats the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters
A. They both have saws in their box
Q. What does and Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?
Q. Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"
Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday
Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
Q. Why does an Essex girl drool?
A. Because she is full.
Q. How do you tell when an Essex girl is having her period?
A. She's only wearing one sock.
Q. What's the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.
Q. What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say ?
A. NEXT !
Q. Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A. Red means stop.
Q. Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger?
A. You can park in the handicapped spots.
Q. Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray?
A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.
Q. If an Essex girl and a London girl jump out of an airplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The London girl; the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.
Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Q. What do you call six Essex girls in a row?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. What do you call a London girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?
A. Goes home.
Q. What do Essex girls and computers have in common?
A. You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.
Q. What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg
A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg !!!!
Q. How is an Essex girl like a beer bottle?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
A. Gifted!
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a whole brain?
A. A Golden Retriever!
Q. Why is an Essex girl like a turtle?
A. They both get fucked when they're on their back.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!"
Q. What's an Essex girl's favorite wine?
A. "Daaaady, I want to go to Ibiza!"
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a pound coin on the top of her head?
A. All you can eat, under a quid.
Q. What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common?
A. You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q. What did the Essex girl say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
A. "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
Q. What do you say to an Essex girl with no arms or legs?
A. "Nice tits!"
Q. Why aren't there many Essex girl gymnasts?
A. When they do the splits they stick to the floor.
Q. What do a Ford Escort door and an Essex girl have in common?
A. The more you bang them, the looser they get.
Q. What's the irritating part around an Essex girl's vagina?
A. The Essex girl!
Q. How do you describe an Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots?
A. Flattered.
Q. What is the worst thing about having sex with an Essex girl?
A. Bucket seats.
Q. What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A. Remove their underwear.

An Essex girl is driving along and asks her boyfriend to kiss her somewhere warm, wet and smelly. He tells her that it's to late to drive to Canvey Island.

Voice on phone: "'allo Tracey. This is Dave".
Tracey: "'oo are you".
Dave: "Don't you remember? I 'ad you in the pub car park last night".
Tracey: "Was it The Red Lion, the Turk's Head or the Royal Oak?"

Wayne and Tracey are in a restaurant.
Wayne: "Do you fancy coq au vin?"
Tracey: "Nah. I fink sex in a transit is tacky".

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10?" says the council worker, "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl, "I just use their surnames".

Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?" "Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"

If you still want more after that try over here.